Mind Games
by TheBeautifulNerd
Summary: The new doctor is everyone who Lily has always dreamed of being. She's pretty, she's popular, and she's fun to be around. When she kindly offers to help Lily become that person though, things take a dark turn. Lily is soon losing weight, withdrawing herself from her colleagues, and feeling trapped in a manipulative friendship, and Iain seems to be the only one to notice.
1. Chapter 1

**New story from me!**

Chapter One

The new doctor was perfect.

In fact, she was the person that Lily dreamed of being. She was pretty for one thing with a delicate, pale face, and she wore a smile as big as Jupiter. A pink stethoscope was draped around her neck, and a cake tin was tucked under one arm. Lily stepped away from her locker and watched as she opened up the locker directly next to Lily's.

"Ah, good morning!" She greeted chirpily, shoving her bag into her locker before setting the cake tin onto the counter. "I brought lemon cake. Just help yourself, yeah?"

"Yes," Lily whispered, gripping her own stethoscope in her hands. "Thank you. May I ask who you are exactly?"

"Oh, I do apologise, how rude of me not to introduce myself." She held her hand out at once. "Alicia Munroe, I'm the new F2."

Lily looked at her hand nervously, hesitating to shake it. Eventually, she smiled and reluctantly agreed to it. Alicia didn't even notice the forced smile or the fact that Lily clearly hadn't introduced herself yet. She was too happy, too excited about her first day.

"I um...I didn't even know that Mrs Beauchamp was looking for a new F2," Lily sighed, as Alicia tied her hair up into a neat ponytail.

Lily noticed that the tips were a bright pink colour, just like her bag and her stethoscope.

"No?" Alicia asked, slamming the door of her locker shut. "I thought she would have mentioned it."

"She hasn't." Lily shook her head. "It's lovely to meet you anyway."

"You too." Alicia smiled. "What do you do here anyway?"

"I'm a registrar," Lily told her. "Like yourself, I used to be an F2. After passing my exams, I was promoted."

"No surprise that she's hiring then really, is it?" Alicia laughed. "If you've had a promotion, of course she'd be looking. I'm sorry, I don't think I ever got your name."

"You didn't." Lily shook her head. "My name is Lily Chao."

"Well, it is really good to meet you Lily," Alicia said. "I'm sure that the two of us will get along well. I'll be shadowing you after all."

"Did Mrs Beauchamp ask you to?" Lily questioned.

"Of course!" Alicia squealed. "She said that I needed to learn from the best. Don't tell her I said that, eh?"

Lily gave her a puzzled look and asked, "why?"

"Well, she probably doesn't want you bragging now," Alicia said, giving her a jokey wink. "She also said something about a tour. So Doctor Lily Chao, what's first?" She gave a dramatic shrug of her shoulders, and her smile grew bigger.

Lily didn't know what to say. She was extremely talkative and a bit too happy as well. Maybe she didn't know how the ED could turn in just a couple of seconds. Lily looked forward to a busy shift, just so Alicia could experience it for herself.

"Well, this is the staffroom," Lily said, gesturing to the room that they were standing in. "Feel free to help yourself to tea and coffee, and we also have water and there's juice and biscuits under the sink."

"Well, knowing where the biscuits are is always handy," Alicia joked, but Lily didn't seem too pleased at the use of humour.

"Anyway," Lily sighed, folding her arms across her chest. She had no time for jokes. "What are your plans for the future?"

"Um..." Alicia nervously shrugged her shoulders and folded her own arms. "I don't know to be honest. Working in a hospital? What about yourself?"

"Well, I used to want to specialise in dermatology," Lily said. "But the ED is where I belong now. I was the first one in my family to go to university and I don't know, I guess I just like the feel of working in an Emergency Department."

"I have to admit that it sounds rather scary to me," Alicia giggled, blushing at how ridiculous she was being.

"Of course it does," Lily let out another sigh, subtly raising her eyebrows at the new doctor. "Have you introduced yourself to everyone else?"

"Oh yeah, yeah, don't worry about that," Alicia said, waving a hand at her. Lily narrowed her eyebrows, confused. "Honestly, you were the last person who I needed to say hello to. Everyone seems so nice. Robyn and I are going to organise a karaoke night, and Cal and Ethan have asked me to go to the pub with them tonight. Are you coming?"

"No, thank you," Lily answered. "I try not to set foot in the pub, if I can help it."

"Fair enough," Alicia said in a quiet voice. "Well, I'm going to make myself a coffee before my shift starts. Could you do me a favour though?"

"That really depends on what the favour is," Lily said.

She stood by her locker with her arms folded. Alicia rubbed anxiously at the back of her neck and chewed her lip, slowly making her way across the room towards the coffee machine. In silence, she made herself a coffee, and it was just after her first sip when she eventually spoke.

"Don't tell anyone about what we speak about, alright?" Alicia said. "I know it might seem weird, but I've heard things about you. I'd like to be friends with you, but I'd also like to be friends with everyone else as well."

"We have a job to do," Lily snapped. "Friends aren't important."

"They are to me," Alicia said. "Please, Lily. I'd really appreciate it."

"What things have you heard about me exactly?" Lily asked.

"They call you the Ice Princess," Alicia stated.

Lily had had enough already.

"I'm well aware of that fact," she sighed, and folded her arms across her chest. "Fine. If popularity means that much to you, then I won't breathe a word to anyone."

"Thank you," Alicia whispered. "That means a lot."

"I...I guess..." Lily stuttered, trying to hide her hurt and disappointment in front of the new doctor. "I'll meet you in resus."

* * *

It had been an exhausting day in the ED. There had been a group of kids admitted after a riot had broken out at a local school, an elderly couple who'd made some kind of death pact, and a variety of casualties after a six vehicle crash on the motorway. It had probably been one of their busiest days yet.

She hated to admit the fact that Alicia was a brilliant doctor, and she'd worked really hard. She kept talking about the praise that Connie had given her, and Lily wondered if it was true. Could Alicia really be a better F2 than she ever was? She also seemed to get along with everyone, something that Lily had never found easy.

Lily stifled a yawn, as she made her way into the staffroom to collect her belongings. Then she noticed that the cake tin had disappeared from the counter. Grabbing her bag and her coat from her locker, she heard the door creak open and Ethan walked in with a tired expression on his face.

"Has the cake gone already?" Lily asked him.

"What cake?" Ethan looked puzzled. "If I'd known about cake, I would have taken my break earlier."

"Hmm, the boys must have scoffed it," Lily laughed, leaning back against the counter. "Busy day, huh?"

"Extremely," Ethan chuckled, and opened his locker to grab his own things. "Are you on an early tomorrow?" Lily gave a meek nod and smiled at her friend. "I guess I'll see you then," he said, before exiting the staffroom.

She tried not to show that she was actually feeling quite left out. It wasn't as if she wanted to join her colleagues at the pub, but an invite would have been nice. Slipping her coat on and holding her bag on one shoulder, she shut her locker and left as well.

As she signed out at reception, she noticed Alicia leaving with Cal and Ethan. The three of them were talking and laughing as if they'd been friends forever.

 **So I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. It's weird writing for Alicia but I'm giving it a go. Let me know what you think and I'll try to update soon x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Scarlett: Thanks so much. Your reviews always make me so happy. I love your support and I'm really glad that you like my stories. Thanks again.**

 **A: Thank you. Again, I adore your reviews. Thanks for the support.**

 **sweeet-as-honey: It's good to hear from you again. Thank you for reviewing.**

 **casualtyfics111: Thank you so much. I love all of your stories as well.**

Chapter Two

It was 8:30pm when someone pressed the buzzer to Lily's flat.

She was in the middle of studying at the time and because she wasn't used to visitors, she guessed that someone had accidentally pressed the wrong buzzer. It wouldn't have been the first time. With a heavy sigh, she slammed down her pen and marked the page in her book before leaving her bedroom.

"Hello?" She asked, lifting the receiver of the intercom.

"Hi Lily, it's Alicia," the geordie replied. "Can I come in?"

Lily so badly wanted to say no. It was late, she was studying, and the new doctor had already annoyed in her in more ways than possible. However, even she knew that it was rude to turn away a guest. Reluctantly, she agreed and opened the door for her.

Seconds later, someone knocked on the door to her flat.

"It's open!" She shouted, as she made her way back to her desk.

"I hope you don't mind me intruding like this," Alicia said, stepping into the corridor and slamming the door shut behind her. "But I really needed to talk to you," she added, arriving in the doorway of Lily's bedroom. "Nice place."

"Thanks," Lily whispered, her head in her book. "How did you get my address?"

"Ethan gave it to me," she said, stepping further into the room. "I hope you don't mind. What are you doing?"

"Studying," Lily answered, swivelling around in her chair.

"I obviously came at a bad time then, sorry," Alicia whispered.

"It's okay," Lily hissed through gritted teeth. She didn't really want to be disturbed, but what could she do? "What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to apologise," Alicia said, sitting herself down on Lily's bed. "It was wrong of me, and I shouldn't have said the things I said today. I thought about it whilst I was at the pub, and I felt awful. You have every right to hate me."

"I'm used to not being liked, Doctor Munroe," Lily sighed. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I'll stay out of your way, okay?"

"We can still be friends, and I wanted to make it up to you," Alicia said. "Why don't the two of us go shopping after work tomorrow? I could give you a makeover, and we can get to know each other a bit."

"What about the others?" Lily asked. "Won't you be embarrassed to be seen with me?"

Alicia was silent for a while. She didn't know what to say to that, clearly.

"They don't need to know," Alicia whispered. "A secret friendship might be quite fun anyway. What do you say?"

"We're supposed to be adults," Lily whispered, and pretended to read something in her book. "What kind of makeover anyway? I don't need one."

"Really?" Alicia tilted her head to one side. "I mean, you're really pretty Lily, but there's always some room for improvement. Isn't there something that you'd want to change about yourself?"

Lily lifted her eyes to look at her, but she stayed silent.

"Maybe a haircut?" Alicia suggested and walked over to her.

She tucked Lily's hair behind her ears and scrunched it into a ponytail. Lily frowned, as Alicia fiddled with the strands of her dark hair to try and change the style.

"Or you could change your clothes?" Alicia said. "You're always so formal. Personally, I think pink would suit you nicely."

Lily looked Alicia up and down and noticed that she was all pink. It made her want to throw up.

"Skinny jeans would look really good on you as well," Alicia said. "What size are you?"

"Size ten. Why?" Lily asked.

Alicia bit her lip and shrugged her shoulders, looking Lily up and down. "Well..." She said slowly. "Every girl knows that you should aim for a size six."

"Excuse me?" Lily scowled, shocked at what she'd just said.

She looked down at herself and sucked in her stomach, running her hand along her hips. She'd never thought of herself as fat, she'd rarely thought about her weight at all to be honest. She knew that she was healthy and she didn't need to know how much she weighed for that. But if Alicia thought that she needed to lose a few pounds, then what did other people think?

"I'm just saying," Alicia laughed. "A change in style is all well and good, but you need to make sure that it suits you. I used to feel really uncomfortable in dresses so I went on a diet, and now I can wear them all the time."

"I don't need to go on a diet, thank you," Lily said. "I'm perfectly happy with the way I look."

"Are you sure about that?" Alicia asked. "One shopping trip, Lily. It isn't going to hurt, is it?"

"I guess," Lily whispered. "I'll meet you outside work tomorrow then."

"Why don't you meet me at the shopping centre?" Alicia suggested instead. "Just in case one of us ends up working overtime, and we'll both be making our own way there anyway."

"Sure," Lily agreed. "That sounds fine."

"Well, I suppose that I should let you get back to studying then," Alicia said, standing up from the bed. "It was lovely to see you, Lily. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow."

"Yes," Lily replied. "You too."

"I'll see myself out," Alicia said.

She leaned down and wrapped her arms around Lily's neck, giving her a gentle hug. She then skipped towards the door in silence, turning to give Lily a smile before exiting. Lily waited until she'd heard the front door of her flat slam shut behind her, before closing her book. Suddenly, she wasn't really in the mood to study.

She was nervous about the shopping trip to be honest. Even when she was at school, she'd never done the girly shopping trip thing. She remembered that a whole group of girls had gone shopping on the last day of school, to celebrate finishing, but she'd just gone home and did a bit of extra credit work in preparation for college. She hated shopping, she found it boring and she saw no point in getting new clothes when she already had some.

She didn't really want to become Alicia's double.

She glanced up at the clock. 9:00pm. Had Alicia only been there for half an hour? It had felt like a lot longer.

She decided that an early night was probably the best idea. She changed into a pair of white and black spotty pyjamas from Next, washed her face and brushed her teeth, and ran a brush through her hair.

After climbing into bed, she switched off her bedside lamp and closed her eyes.

 **So I wasn't quite sure how to write this chapter. I hope it turned out okay. Let me know what you think please x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Giatrix: Thanks so much. And thanks a lot for your help as well.**

 **casualtyfics111: Thank you. Thank you for your support.**

 **Scarlett: Thank you! I'm glad that's coming across well.**

Chapter Three

Lily could feel all eyes on her, as she walked through the shopping centre with Alicia. Of course, they were all probably wondering if she was okay. She was twiddling her thumbs in an agitated manner, scanning the shops nervously, and looked close to lashing out at anyone who came near her. Of course, Alicia was still rambling about the dos and donts of fashion, so it was understandable for Lily to be so uncomfortable.

It had been a busy day at work and truthfully, she just wanted to go home and shove her head in a book. Alicia had insisted on the shopping trip though and she clearly wasn't going to let it slide.

"So, how long have you been at the ED for?" Alicia asked, as the two of them walked into New Look.

"Almost four years," Lily answered.

"Long time then," Alicia said, and she began to look through a rail of dresses. "Haven't you ever thought of going elsewhere?"

"No." Lily shook her head. "I like the ED. I used to want to work in Dermatology, but I enjoy the atmosphere of the ED. It's where I belong."

"Oh my goodness!" Lily thought that it was a bit of a dramatic reaction to what she'd just said, but then she realised that Alicia had actually found a dress. "Lily, what about this dress?" She asked, holding it up to show her.

Lily looked it up and down and grimaced. In her opinion, it was a rather ugly looking thing. It was white with lace, and a little black Peter Pan collar. Lily hardly ever wore dresses anyway; she was more of a blouse with either skirts or black trousers type of person.

"It's not too short so it will hide the top of your legs well, and the colour is nice and slimming," Alicia mentioned.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" Lily asked.

"Just try it on," Alicia said, shoving the dress at her. "Couldn't hurt, right?"

Lily snatched the dress from her and frowned. She imagined the dress being dipped into a bucket of green slime, and then she imagined Alicia's head. If everyone else in the ED could get along with her, then surely she could attempt it, no matter how hard it was.

Alicia ended up going into the changing room with Lily, something that she felt awfully uncomfortable with. Alicia told her though that many people went into the changing rooms together because it made it easier for people to give their opinions. Lily desperately wanted to tell her that it was just teenage girls who did that, and that other peoples' opinions didn't actually matter, but she kept her mouth shut.

After slipping into the hideous dress, she turned to show Alicia.

"Maybe you could do with a bigger size," Alicia suggested straight away.

"What do you mean?" Lily questioned. "It feels fine to me."

"It looks way too tight," Alicia remarked.

"It's a ten," Lily stated, taking a quick look at the label.

She didn't understand. The dress felt fine and it was her usual size, but she couldn't possibly wear something that looked too tight on her. What would people think if she went out in public?

"I don't know." Alicia shrugged her shoulders. "It just looks tight, Lily. That's just one person's opinion though, I guess. It might look fine to everyone else."

"What size are you?" Lily asked, narrowing her eyes at Alicia.

"Does that even matter?" Alicia laughed. "Well, I've been dieting and exercising a lot because I feel that kind of thing is important for a healthy body. I've just got myself down to a size eight, but I'm working towards a six. Like I said, everyone knows that you should aim for a size six."

"I have a healthy diet though," Lily argued, as she quickly began to change out of the dress. "I walk, and I go for the occasional run."

"Occasional sometimes isn't enough though, is it?" Alicia whispered. "And I'm a gym member as well. You should look at signing up."

"I don't have time for the gym," Lily said, as she finished getting changed into her own clothes.

It was true. Between work, studying and visiting family, Lily had no spare time to go to the gym. To her, going to the gym was a hobby that people had when they clearly didn't do anything else. She couldn't possibly blow off study time just to lift weights.

"You always need to make time for things that are needed," Alicia said. "I mean, not that you need to lose weight or anything but...Well, you make time for studying, don't you?"

* * *

Lily went home later, feeling worse than she already did. How had the dress not fit her? She didn't understand. After Alicia's help and advice, she'd ended up buying a couple of dresses and a pink jacket but in a smaller size. When she'd questioned it, Alicia just said that if she had new clothes, then it'd give her the motivation to work towards losing weight. However, the jacket was disgusting and the dresses weren't anything better.

Still, Lily hated the fact that she could have put on weight. When she'd stood in the middle of the changing room trying on clothes that obviously didn't fit, all she could think about was how embarrassed she was. Alicia tried on a few things herself and everything seemed to fit her; it was as if she was a Disney princess, magicked out of nowhere.

Lily rifled through her wardrobe and picked up her favourite blouse with the birds on it. Long ago, she would have been able to fit in it but now it just made her feel awful about herself. She tossed it onto the bed and threw her hands to her face, having another rummage through her clothes.

It wasn't as if she'd been lying to Alicia; her diet was rather healthy. She rarely drank fizzy drinks, salad and water was her favourite meal, but she had to admit that she did have the odd chocolate bar for a small snack sometimes. Maybe she just had to cut down on the sugar altogether.

Groaning in frustration, she left to grab a binbag from the kitchen. Opening it up and leaving it in the middle of her bedroom, she grabbed the rest of her clothes and chucked them straight into the bag.

As she sat there in a state, wondering what on earth she was going to wear to work tomorrow, she slowly picked up her mobile.

She opened the internet and typed in the word "dieting." Loads of different articles popped up but there was one in particular that caught her eye. It was a blog that someone had created on "Top Tips to Lose Weight." Lily had never looked at blogs before, and it was certainly something that she'd never thought of doing herself.

Biting down on her lip, she scrolled through the rest of the blog and bookmarked the page. She'd have another look at it tomorrow.

 **So I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'd lost a bit of motivation for this story but after some planning, I found it again. Let me know what you think x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Bonnie Sveen Fan: It can be hard to feel sorry for Lily at times. It is an interesting concept and I'm really enjoying the writing process of it. Thanks for your lovely review.**

 **A: It's certainly looking like that. Enjoy the update.**

 **Scarlett: Thank you, lovely girl! Enjoy!**

Chapter Four

At the very back of Lily's wardrobe, was a dress. It was one that she hardly ever wore and she couldn't even remember why she'd bought it in the first place. There must have been some sort of special occassional, but she was unsure on why she'd never thought of wearing it to work before. It was plain black with a lacy collar, so it was nice enough and smart enough.

She remembered what Alicia had said about dresses, and thought that maybe she should start to wear them more often. Then again, she also remembered what Alicia had said about hiding the top of her legs and panic filled inside of her. However, when she put the black dress on she saw that it was long enough to hide that part of her body. Luckily.

She wondered if anyone would compliment on her choice of outfit. When she arrived though, Iain was the only one who said something.

"You look nice," he said.

"Really?" Lily's smile grew as wide as the hospital corridor, and she felt her stomach do a flip as she turned to make eye contact with the paramedic. "Do I really look nice?"

"Well, yeah," he chuckled. "I wouldn't have said it otherwise. New dress?"

"Um...N...No," Lily stuttered, and shook her head at him. "I've had this for quite a while, but I've just never got round to wearing it. Thank you though. That means a lot, coming from you."

"What do you mean by that?" Iain frowned, hands in his pockets.

Lily smiled bashfully and shook her head, tucking a loose strand of hair behind one ear. "Doesn't matter."

"You're crazy, Chuckles," Iain laughed, walking over and slapping a hand down onto her shoulder. "In the nicest way. I have to get back to work anyway so have a good day, yeah? Don't work too hard."

He gave her a jokey wink and rubbed her shoulder gently, before walking off towards the ambulance bay. Lily leaned back against the desk and watched him leave, her smile getting bigger and bigger with every step that he took.

"You so like him."

She hadn't heard the voice at first, but then they spoke again and she noticed that Alicia had arrived at her side. She had already changed into her scrubs, and her pink stethoscope hung around her neck. She had her hands stuffed into her pockets and was looking in Iain's direction intensely.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lily said.

"I can see it in your eyes," Alicia said, a small smirk on her face. "Have you ever had a boyfriend before?"

"Don't be ridiculous, of course I have," Lily scoffed and turned to turn on the computer. "I just haven't found the right one yet, that's all. What about you? Have you got a boyfriend?"

"Not yet." Alicia shrugged her shoulders. "My parents are always getting at me about it though. I guess that's what happens when you get to a certain age."

"I guess so," Lily had to agree.

"You should ask him out though, if you like him that much," Alicia advised. "What's the worse that could happen?"

"He could hear me," Lily said.

Alicia frowned but she couldn't help but smile. "Did Doctor Chao just make a joke?" She laughed. "I have to say that I'm shocked. I could always talk to him for you and see if he likes you, if you're scared that is."

"I'm not scared, and you will do no such thing," Lily sighed. She wished that Alicia would just stop talking. "I'll talk to him myself."

"If you can handle that," Alicia said. "And I like the outfit choice for today. I don't remember you buying it though."

"I didn't purchase this yesterday," Lily told her, looking herself up and down. "I've had this for a while. What do you think?"

Lily had to mentally kick herself for caring so much about Alicia's opinion.

"Like I said, I like it," she said. "It's a dress that would look nicer in a smaller size but it still looks good on you though, I suppose. Also, that pink jacket that you bought yesterday would look lovely with it."

Lily tried not to look hurt by the comment. She'd said that it looked nice, right? That was all that mattered. Alicia was her friend, so she shouldn't take too much to heart.

"That reminds me," Lily sighed, turning her focus to the computer so that she had something to distract her whilst she spoke. "I took a look at a few dieting websites last night. One of them in particular was extremely helpful."

"Have you thought much more about the gym?" Alicia asked.

"Not much, no." Lily shook her head. "But I just don't think I will have the time and energy to go to the gym every single day."

"Well, I guess it isn't for everyone," Alicia sighed. She didn't seem happy. Had Lily already said the wrong thing? "The dieting websites will be good though and hopefully you can start on getting down to a size six, eh? We can help each other with it."

"Yeah." Lily nodded and began to anxiously bite her fingernails. She wasn't sure. "Alicia. Are we friends?"

Alicia looked shocked at that question and tilted her head to one side.

"Of course we are, Lily," she said. "Why wouldn't we be?"

"I just wondered." Lily smiled to herself. "I'm glad that we are."

"Yeah." Alicia returned the smile and nodded. "Me too."

With a flick of the hair, she was gone in seconds. Lily exhaled deeply and shook her head, her eyes on the computer screen. Looking up for a brief second, she noticed that Noel was watching her.

"Is everything okay, Doctor Chao?" He asked.

"Yes." She nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. "Thank you, Noel."

* * *

It had been a bad day.

The ED had been incredibly busy and Lily wasn't able to go on her break until almost three o'clock. She ran a hand through her hair and took herself off to the ambulance bay for a bit of peace and quiet. She hadn't seen Alicia much but when she did, she hadn't made her feel any better. She'd had a great day apparently, resulting in lots of praise from Connie. Lily hadn't actually witnessed this, so hoped that it wasn't true. Alicia was her new friend, but she'd hate to think that Connie was praising other doctors and not her.

She yawned and curled up on the sofa in Iain's office, a book in her lap. She had a bottle of water and a banana for lunch, but nothing else, and hoped that Alicia would be pleased with her determination and effort. It was helpful to have someone tell her what was right and what was wrong.

"What are you doing here?" Iain asked, walking in and making Lily jump.

"Sorry," Lily whispered, as she finished off her banana. "I just needed a bit of quiet time."

"It's okay," Iain sighed, and gave her a comforting smile. "Help yourself. I'm actually quite glad that you're here to be honest. I wanted to ask you something."

"Oh, yes?" Lily asked. "What did you want to ask me?"

She tried her best to remain calm and professional, and not like an excited, little girl.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink sometime," he said. "Work has been busy lately and you never did get to celebrate your promotion."

"Well, I guess people were just busy," Lily said.

It hurt to think about the bottle of wine that they'd carried off to the party, and the 'Congratulations' banner that they'd screwed up and put in the bin.

"A drink would be nice though," she said, shaking the awful memory from her mind.

"Great." Iain grinned from ear to ear. "Are you free tonight?"

"Why tonight?" Lily laughed. "What's the rush?"

Thankfully, she was free.

"No rush." Iain smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "I just don't want you to change your mind."

 **So I hope that chapter turned out okay. Let me know what you think. Things are finally happening between Iain and Lily, so that's exciting! I'll try and update soon x**


	5. Chapter 5

**casualtyfics111: Thank you. I'm glad that's a compliment, haha.**

 **Giatrix: Oh my gosh, thank you! This review made me smile. That's basically me when my friends suggest asking people out, it was a line that I enjoyed writing. I'm not the best at it but I do like to include some humour in my stories. Thanks again!**

Chapter Five

Lily had clear memories of dating as a teenager.

Her first ever boyfriend was called Jared Gale. He was tall, with dark brown hair, and chocolate brown eyes, and he was the youngest of eight kids. Lily had been seventeen at the time of dating him and in her opinion, he was the best thing in the world. Of course, Lily didn't hesitate to put her studies first, but she saw Jared whenever she could. Luckily for her he was also hard-working and dedicated to his schoolwork, so quite often they'd go to the park and study together.

Lily was devestated when they broke up. If they hadn't ended up going to two completely different universities, she knew that they'd still be together now. However, they both had to admit that the long distance relationship was hard, so they ended things.

Lily still thought about him sometimes and she wondered if he still thought about her. He was probably married with kids by now though.

Apart from Jared, Lily hadn't had many other boyfriends, so the whole dating experience was still rather nerve-wracking for her.

"What made you ask me out for a drink?" Lily asked, as she and Iain sat opposite each other at a circular window table.

There wasn't much of a view from 'The Lake House,' apart from a busy main road. Still, it felt nice to just sit and relax in a less busier part of the pub. None of them had ever been to this particular restaurant before, but it had plenty of good reviews and recommendations so they made the joint decision to give it a go.

"You sound surprised," Iain said, lifting his glass and having a sip of his beer.

"Not surprised as such," Lily answered. "Shocked, maybe?"

"Aren't they the same thing?" He chuckled. "You are enjoying yourself, aren't you?"

"Yes," Lily answered, sipping shyly at her glass of coke. "Of course I am. It was just a genuine question, Iain."

"I just wanted to take you out on a date, you know?" Iain said.

Iain shrugged his shoulders awkwardly and winked teasingly at her, as one of the waiters strolled over to their table with a couple of menus. Lily's heart began beating at twice the speed, as the waiter asked them if they'd be interested in ordering any food at all that evening.

"No, thank you," she spoke before Iain could. "We're just here for drinks tonight."

"I don't know." Iain shrugged his shoulders and turned to the waiter. "I'm actually feeling quite hungry. Can I?"

"Yes. Of course, sir." He smiled at Iain politely and handed the menus over to him. "I'll give you a minute," he said, before walking away.

"You only suggested a drink," Lily whispered, continuing to down her coke in an anxious manner.

She thought about the stuff that Alicia had said about; the diet, the exercise, the need to get down to a size six. What if the portion sizes were huge? And although she was hungry herself, she also knew that Alicia would murder her for breaking her diet plan.

"I know, but my stomach is growling," Iain said, as he opened the menu to examine it. "Are you having anything?"

"I'm okay, thank you," Lily said. "I'm not that hungry. I might have another drink though." She stood up and crouched on the floor beside her handbag to look for her purse. "Do you want anything?" She asked.

"If you're offering," Iain said, his eyes on the menu. "Just the same for me please."

Lily took out her debit card, threw her purse back into her bag, and made her way up to the bar to order drinks. As she waited, she peered over her shoulder at where she'd been sitting and saw that Iain was totally engrossed in the menu. She stood, tapping her card against the edge of the bar, when Alicia suddenly arrived at her side.

"Alicia. What are you doing here?" Lily asked.

She was stunned by her sudden appearance. She was like a ghost, always popping up out of nowhere and purposely making people jump.

"I come here quite regularly," Alicia said with a smile. "How's the date going?"

"Good," Lily sighed. "I'm just getting more drinks. Iain's ordering food."

"Are you?" Alicia asked, and Lily solemnly shook her head. "Because you are going to have to work hard to keep someone like Iain interested."

"Someone like Iain?" Lily whispered, squinting her eyes at her new friend.

"Well, there's no doubt that he's the fittest man in Holby," Alicia giggled, glancing across at the paramedic. "Think about it, Lily. He's a good looking bloke, so he could practically get any girl that he wants."

"I never really thought about that," Lily said, her head hung.

"Good evening, love!" Her moment with Alicia was interrupted, when the barman strolled over to take her order. "What can I get for you then?"

* * *

"We should definitely go there more often," Iain said, as he walked Lily home later that evening. "You should try their food next time. The chips are to die for, Lily." Lily nodded, agreeing with him, but staying in total silence. "Did you have a good time anyway?" He asked her.

"Yeah. I did, thanks," Lily said, exhaling deeply and taking in the gorgeous smell of the fresh air.

It was beginning to get dark, and the light from the stars shone down on them. Lily was pleased that Iain had made the suggestion to walk; it was a beautiful scenery and Lily couldn't think of a better place to be.

However, she was worried about making another visit to 'The Lake House.' It wasn't that she didn't like the place because she really did, but she didn't particularly want Alicia to witness another one of their dates. Even though they were friends, she felt quite intimidated by her at the bar, and it was nice to just spend some time alone with Iain.

That's if, he wanted the same thing. She couldn't tell.

"Did you have a good time?" She asked quietly.

"The best," he said, his hand slipping into hers without any warning whatsoever. "Why don't you stay at my place tonight?"

"Really?" Lily asked, looking down at their entwined fingers. "Would you mind?"

"If I did, would I have asked?" Iain said. "Of course I don't mind. It'd be nice to have the company."

Lily sucked in a breath and forced a smile, as they stopped outside Iain's block of flats. She'd never slept at a guys house before. She and Jared hadn't even stayed the night at each others houses, mainly because they both had extremely strict parents who always forbid it. It made her feel sick with nerves though. She wasn't sure what to expect.

"Come on," Iain whispered in her ear. She could feel his breath on her neck. "Let's go inside."

 **This chapter took me ages to write but I hope it was okay in the end. Thanks for the lovely comments guys. Let me know what you think. It's always nice to read your reviews. Thanks again x**


	6. Chapter 6

**A: Thank you. Let's hope so :-)**

 **Guest: You'll soon see what happens.**

 **casualtyfics111: Thank you so much! It kind of just comes naturally to be honest. I mean, I try to add in as much description and realistic dialogue as I can. Thank you. That really means a lot to me.**

 **citylightsonthewater: Thank you so much. I absolutely love seeing your reviews. They make my day. I'm glad that you're enjoying the story.**

Chapter Six

Lily was on cloud nine.

Days passed, and she was pleased to refer to Iain as her boyfriend. She wasn't going to lie, she'd been extremely nervous when Iain had asked her to stay over but it had been really nice. They'd just stayed up most of the night, kissing and cuddling, whilst sharing old and funny stories with each other. The whole idea of a relationship did make her feel sick with nerves, but at the same time, she enjoyed it.

She'd also been on another shopping trip with Alicia, and had treated herself to a pink jacket just like hers. Alicia had mentioned the fact that Lily had lost some weight but not enough to go down a size. Lily had tried to hide her disappointment whilst reassuring Alicia that she was doing her best.

She hadn't eaten a single thing in five days, and that made her feel great. The best she'd felt in ages in fact. She may have had moments of feeling hungry, but she knew that it'd make herself and Alicia happy when she was eventually able to fit into a size six.

She also kept her promise, and hadn't mentioned Alicia to anyone. She didn't mind so much anymore. Alicia had told her of times when she'd hung out with the rest of their colleagues, but then she also spent time with Lily as well. It was as if the two of them had a special, secret friendship.

Everything was going really well, until Iain made a comment on her choice of outfit.

"What on earth are you wearing?" He asked, strolling over to her one morning.

She was in reception at the time, flicking through a set of notes that Noel had handed to her. She thought she looked fine. She wore black trousers, white trainers, a pink vest top and a pink jacket. Not only that but her hair had been curled and tied up in a ponytail.

"Don't you like it?" Lily asked, her smile slowly fading.

"It's not that," Iain sighed, eyeing her up and down. "But it looks as if Barbie threw up on you."

"Well, I like it," Lily sighed back.

"Okay." Iain nodded. "Pink just...Isn't really you though, is it? Well, I've never seen you wear it before anyway."

"I just fancied a change, Iain," Lily said. "Is that so bad?"

"It's just very random and sudden," Iain said, running his fingers along the fabric of her new jacket.

Lily couldn't mention the fact that Alicia was the cause for her change in style. She'd promised that she wouldn't talk about the friendship between them, hadn't she? Alicia would hate her if she broke that promise.

"I just fancied a change, Iain!" Lily repeated her earlier words, her tone a lot snappier than usual.

"Alright, calm down," Iain said, rolling his eyes at her. "I was just making an observation. No need to bite my head off."

Without another word, he left to go back to the ambulance bay. Lily felt awful for the way that she'd snapped at him like that and she wished that she could run after him and apologise. However, he'd made himself clear that she'd annoyed him and she had work to do anyway. What was wrong with her outfit though? Alicia wore the same sort of thing and everybody loved her. However, Iain seemed to hate it and no one else had said a single word.

Maybe there was only one Alicia though.

Maybe Lily was never meant to be pretty.

* * *

"You look great today," Alicia said to Lily, as the two of them sat together on the sofa in the staffroom.

Lily shrugged her shoulders and took a sip from her bottle of water. She thought she'd looked great as well, but Iain's words continued to play in her mind. He was the person who she wanted to impress the most and it had completely backfired.

"Do I really?" She sighed. "My boyfriend doesn't think so and no one else has even said anything about it."

"They're all extremely busy today, Lily," Alicia told her.

That was true. The ED had been packed with patients. It had been hard to catch a break.

"You didn't say anything to Iain about me, did you?" Alicia asked.

"No, don't worry," Lily sighed. "I kept my word."

"Good," Alicia breathed out a sigh of relief. "I don't think he likes me that much anyway. Everyone else has been so welcoming and friendly. Maybe he's scared."

"What would he be scared of?" Lily asked.

"Well." Alicia shrugged her shoulders. "Does he hang out with any women who work here? Maybe he's worried that if he becomes close with me, that I'll somehow turn him on. He might be keeping his distance to avoid romance forming between us."

"That's ridiculous," Lily scoffed. "He hangs out with Robyn and Louise all the time."

"But are they his type?" Alicia asked. "I hate to break it to you but I have had plenty of boyfriends in my time, and I like to think of myself as an attractive woman. Why do you think I'm giving you this makeover?"

Lily didn't say anything.

"I don't want you to worry," Alicia continued. "But all I'm saying is that maybe Iain has hidden feelings for me, and that's why he isn't hanging out with me. There's no other explanation, is there?"

"But I'm dressed exactly like you and he hates it," Lily pointed out. "So he can't possibly have some secret crush on you. If you like him so much Alicia, you can stay away from him and get your own man."

"No way." Alicia grimaced and shook her head. "He is so not my type. If he did ask me out, I'd say no and then I'd tell you straight away. You're my friend, Lily. I'm not trying to be horrible in any way, just honest."

Lily went silent again. Alicia had made a few good, valid points there. For once, she had no argument. She was at a complete loss for words.

"Do you want to know what I honestly think his problem was?" Alicia spoke again.

"What?" Lily asked her.

"It wasn't the outfit," Alicia said. "It was...The weight issue. You've been doing well, Lily. However, there is still room for improvement and let's face it, you're still a size ten. There's nothing wrong with that size of course, but we did agree to get you down to a six."

"And I'm doing that," Lily spoke up. "I've not eaten all week, Alicia. You have to believe me when I say that."

"Oh, I believe you," Alicia said. "Clearly though, that isn't enough. If you want Iain to stay with you, then you need to work a lot harder."

Lily gulped to hold back the lump that was forming in her throat.

"I'm going to the gym on Tuesday," Alicia added. "Why don't you come with me?"

 **Sorry I haven't updated this story in ages. I didn't have much motivation for it. I hope you enjoyed the chapter though. Let me know what you think please. I'm off to Cardiff next week so updates will be slow for a little while x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Guest: I'm really glad that you like it. Thank you.**

 **A: She is indeed. Iain will soon start to have his suspicions. Cardiff was amazing, thank you! It was my second time there and I loved every minute of it.**

 **citylightsonthew: Thank you so much! You'll soon see what happens. Iain will start to notice soon, so stay tuned.**

Chapter Seven

"Just let me get a drink first."

Lily strolled over to the vending machine in the gym and examined the variety of drinks that it held. She inserted some change and went to press for a can of coke, but she soon heard someone clear their throat from behind her. She gulped anxiously, turned and saw that Alicia had been watching her the entire time.

"We're in a gym, Lily," she felt that she had to remind her. "Do you want to think about what you're doing there?"

"Right. Sorry," Lily sighed, turning back to the vending machine and pressing for a bottle of water instead.

She hardly drank fizzy drinks but sometimes, especially after a long day at work, she had a craving for something sweet and sugary. She'd almost forgot her diet plan for a second, and she really didn't want to anger Alicia in any shape or form.

"That's better," Alicia praised, smiling as Lily took a sip from the bottle. "Now, I usually start off on the treadmill and then I go for a quick swim sometimes as well. Do you like swimming?"

"I haven't done it much," Lily said.

She could swim, but she couldn't remember the last time she'd gone swimming. It was probably at school to be honest, and she could recall hating it with a passion.

"Well, maybe when you've lost a few pounds we could go," Alicia suggested. "Not being funny, but it's usually better to be at a certain weight before you hit the pool. You'll be wearing a tight swimming costume and showing off your body, that's all."

"Really?" Lily's smile dropped and she looked down at herself with a worried expression.

"You look good," Alicia said. "Just not good enough. Don't worry though, eh? This is why we're doing this."

Immediately, she tied her hair into a messy ponytail and jumped onto one of the treadmills. Lily hovered for a few seconds, her mind still on the swimming pool comment, whilst debating whether to join her or not. Alicia looked so at ease and so confident. Spending some time on the treadmill wouldn't be that bad, would it? After pondering on it for a moment, Lily set her bag and her bottle of water down on the floor and hopped onto the treadmill beside Alicia. She looked around for a second, before pressing the button to start the machine.

"This is why I usually come on a Tuesday," Alicia said, clearly sensing Lily's anxiety. "It's normally pretty quiet."

Lily nodded meekly, and slowly began to run at a medium speed.

"Am I doing it right?" She asked.

"Yeah, you are," Alicia said, clearly impressed. "You're doing great. Maybe take it up a speed though, yeah? You need to challenge yourself a bit."

Lily nodded in response and slowly reached across to adjust the speed. She felt the change in the treadmill immediately, but she managed it, and she did feel proud of herself. Smiling at how well she was doing, she turned and saw that Alicia had stopped to answer a text message. She'd been so involved in the exercise, that she hadn't even heard Alicia's phone go off.

"Is everything okay?" Lily asked, noticing the sudden change in Alicia's facial expression.

"I don't know," she answered. "I've got to go, alright? It's a family emergency. I'm really sorry."

Lily had to admit that she was disappointed, considering the gym was Alicia's idea in the first place. It did seem a shame to waste her session though, and she didn't necessarily need Alicia there with her. She seemed to be doing okay on her own.

"Do you need me to come with you?" She thought that she'd ask first.

"Not necessarily," Alicia said. "You can do if you want. I'd understand if you didn't want to stay here by yourself."

Was Alicia saying that she wasn't capable enough?

"No." Lily shook her head, panting as she continued her run on the treadmill. "I'll stay."

"Are you sure?" Alicia asked.

"Positive." Lily nodded, forcing a smile. "I hope everything is okay. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"You too," Alicia said.

And in seconds, she was out the door. Lily wondered if she'd done that on purpose. It had all seemed a bit sudden, but then it was pretty sick to fake a family emergency, so maybe it was all just coincidental.

However, as Lily continued her run on the treadmill she slowly found herself enjoying it. Not only was it great exercise, it made her relax and forget everything that had happened at work. She knew that Alicia ran sometimes, as well as attending the gym, and she knew that Connie often went for a morning run herself. Lily remembered herself telling Alicia that she didn't have the time to exercise in between work and studying, but maybe she was able to squeeze in a run before work.

She knew that it'd all be worth it, if she eventually made it down to a size six. Alicia would be happy, Iain would love her more than he already did, Connie might even offer her a promotion, and she would finally be happy with herself.

A ringing sound came from her bag, and Lily stopped the treadmill in order to check her phone. She prayed that it wasn't Connie asking her to go back to the ED to work some overtime, as she sometimes did that if they were extremely busy.

It was just Iain though.

"Hello," she answered, holding a hand to her sweaty forehead.

She was amazed at how hot she'd got in just the space of five minutes.

"Hey, Chuckles," he greeted, and she heard him blowing a kiss down the phone.

He'd obviously forgot about the small disagreement they'd had earlier regarding Lily's outfit choice. In a way, Lily was pleased. She hated arguing with him.

"Are you doing anything?" He asked.

"Um..." Lily began to bite her nails, and turned to look at the pair of treadmills behind her. "Why do you ask?"

"I just wondered if you fancied coming round at all," he said. "I could cook you a meal and we could watch a film, or put a film on and not watch it if you know what I mean."

Lily blushed bright red with embarrassment, knowing exactly what he meant.

"Sorry, Iain," she sighed, knowing that it was the right decision. "I can't."

"Okay. Is my cooking really that bad?" He laughed. "We can order in then. Pizza, Fish and Chips, Chinese, whatever you fancy."

"Sorry, Iain," she apologised again. "I've been asked to work late tonight. Massive RTC apparently, and they're short on doctors. I'm sorry."

She couldn't believe that she was lying to her own boyfriend. She felt awful about it, but she needed to get the exercise in. She'd promised Alicia. How disappointed would she be if she found out that Lily had left early to spend time with her boyfriend?

"Well." Iain sounded so disappointed. "You can't help that, I suppose. Maybe another time, alright?"

"Yeah." Lily nodded, but then realised how stupid that was because Iain couldn't actually see her. "Another time."

"I'll let you get on," Iain said. "Love you."

"I love you too," Lily said.

They hung up the phone and Lily took a deep, nervous breath, whilst switching her phone to silent and putting it back into her bag. She had another sip of water and jumped back onto the treadmill.

* * *

"Time for another busy shift," Zoe sighed, slamming down a set of notes in front of Connie. However, she was sat at her computer looking completely distracted. "Is everything okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Connie answered, lifting her eyes to see that Zoe had left the door to her office wide open. "Could you shut that please? I've got a tonne of paperwork to catch up on. I can't have people wandering in and out whenever they feel like it."

Zoe rolled her eyes and went to do as she was told, before making her way back to the desk.

"Could I have your opinion on something?" Connie asked.

"As a doctor or a friend?" Zoe asked, helping herself to a seat.

"Well, both," Connie replied. "What do you think about Lily?"

"Lily, as in Lily Chao?" Zoe asked, and Connie nodded. "Let me think. Firm, serious, terrible bedside manner..."

"I didn't quite mean it like that, no," Connie said. "Do you think she's been acting differently lately?"

"I haven't really noticed to be honest," Zoe said. "Why?"

Connie didn't say anything for quite some time.

"If you have some concerns about a member of staff, then you should really talk to them about it," Zoe said. "Lily seems fine to me though, so I don't understand what you're getting at."

"It's hard to explain," Connie said. "She just seems like a completely different person. She doesn't seem as focused on her work, and her style has changed as well."

"Well, she's got a boyfriend now," Zoe said. "I hate for it to sound as if we're in school, but Lily and Iain are completely loved up and I think Lily is the sort of person to change when she gets into a relationship."

"She shouldn't have to change for anyone," Connie said.

"I know, and I'm sure Iain wouldn't want her to change for him," Zoe said. "All I'm saying is that Lily can be sensitive and I don't think she thinks much of herself at the best of times, so maybe this change is because of the new relationship. It isn't anything to worry about and after a long time of dating, she will realise that Iain likes her for who she is. Honestly Connie, don't worry about her."

"Alright." Connie nodded at Zoe. She felt slightly better after talking. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Zoe said, standing up from her chair. "I'm going to make us a cuppa. Two sugars?"

Connie shot her a genuine smile. That was an offer she couldn't turn down.

"Yes please."

 **I got back from Cardiff yesterday and I had the best time ever! I met Charlotte Salt and Chelsea Halfpenny, which was awesome! I'd always wanted to meet Chelsea. I feel awful though because I hate Sam for coming in between Lily and Iain, and I've made Alicia so horrible in this story. Charlotte and Chelsea are both so lovely in real life though, and Chelsea has the best accent. I loved listening to her talk, haha. Geordie is my favourite accent anyway.**

 **I hope you liked the chapter x**


	8. Chapter 8

**Giatrix: Exactly! Thanks so much for your lovely review. It means a lot :-)**

 **citylightsonthew: Thank you. I miss Zoe and often try to write her into my stories when I can. Thanks for reading. I love seeing your reviews, they always make me smile.**

Chapter Eight

Lily decided to run to work the next morning, although she didn't realise how hard it would be.

She'd slipped on a pair of black leggings, a black vest top, and a hooded jacket that she hardly ever wore. She'd tied her hair into a ponytail and shoved everything into a backpack along with a bottle of water, making sure to leave the house with plenty of time to spare.

She just hadn't realised how big the distance between her flat and the ED was without her moped. By the time she arrived at work, she was panting and felt completely out of breath. However, the thought that she must have lost a few pounds by running to work felt good. No, it felt great.

Collapsing against the wall outside, she began to down her bottle of water, splashing some of it on her face to try and cool herself down. She wasn't expecting Connie to walk over to her.

"Doctor Chao?" She looked confused by her current state. "Did you run to work?" She asked, eyeing the registrar up and down.

"Of course," Lily said, trying her best to force a smile. "You run, don't you?"

"Short distances every now and then," Connie said. "However, you don't really live close to work, do you?"

"I just wanted to get in the exercise," Lily told her.

"Okay." Connie nodded, her concerns slowly growing. "Well, you must have left quite early to try and get here on time. Did you have breakfast?"

"Um...Sorry..." Lily stuttered, slowly shaking her head at the clinical lead. "I didn't have time."

"Right," Connie hissed through her teeth. "Well, there is a bowl of cereal with your name on it. Get something down you before you start your shift, please."

* * *

"Time of death, 11:36."

Lily stepped away from the table and tried to stop her tears from falling. It was always hard, losing a patient, and sometimes it made her question her ability. Was she really a good doctor if she allowed patients to die right there, in front of her?

"We couldn't have done anything," Zoe said, obviously sensing what Lily was thinking. "She was already gone when she was admitted."

"Yeah," Lily whispered, nodding meekly at Zoe's words. "Thank you."

"Why don't you take a break?" Zoe asked. "You've done more than enough this morning."

Lily gave her a thankful smile and exited resus to go and take an early lunch break. Iain was out on a call so she decided to go and find Alicia to have a comforting chat with her; however, she hadn't seen her all morning and wondered if she'd called in sick.

"Doctor Chao," Connie called over to her, as she crossed reception to go to the staffroom. "That cereal remains untouched."

"Sorry, Mrs Beauchamp," Lily apologised in a quiet voice. "I got held up."

"Go and eat, please," Connie said, gently turning her around and pushing her towards the office. "I know it may feel like I'm getting at you but you seem to have forgot the time you fainted on shift, due to missing breakfast. It was a long time ago Lily, but I don't want a repeat of that. You almost killed yourself last time."

"I feel fine though," Lily tried to tell her, as they entered the office.

There was a bowl of dry cornflakes sat on the table in front of the sofa, along with a glass of apple juice. Lily appreciated the effort, but she really couldn't eat anything. What would Alicia say?

"Even so, I'd feel more comfortable if you had something," Connie said. "We work in a high-pressured environment, and it's important that you eat breakfast before a shift."

Lily sighed heavily and sat down in front of the bowl. She slowly picked up the spoon but she didn't eat anything.

"Do you want milk?" Connie offered.

"No." Lily shook her head at her. "Thank you."

Connie nodded and took a seat at her desk. Lily really hoped that she wouldn't stay. How was she supposed to get out of it now?

"Mrs Beauchamp. Do you think I'm a good doctor?" She asked, her anxious eyes on the cereal.

"Now, what makes you think that you're not?" Connie asked. "Because you are. You wouldn't have been promoted to a registrar otherwise."

"I killed a patient," Lily whispered, slowly moving her spoon around the bowl.

"You didn't kill the patient, Lily," Connie said, sighing as if she'd annoyed her. "The patient was injured. Sometimes we can save them and sometimes we can't, but it doesn't make us bad doctors. Trust me, if you were a bad doctor then you would have got the sac years ago."

Lily knew that Connie was trying to compliment her and be nice, but it still didn't reassure her. She turned her attention back to the bowl of cereal, just as the office door flung open and Zoe hurried in. She looked completely swept off her feet, but she managed to give Lily a comforting smile.

"Connie, we need your help out here," she panted. "Doctor Knight has gone home early. There's been a huge RTC and..."

"Okay," Connie interrupted, raising her hands up to Zoe. "Stop there. I'm coming. Lily, when you've finished eating, head back to work please."

As if Lily needed telling. She wanted nothing more than to get back to work, but she was being forced to eat a whole bowl of cereal for no reason whatsoever.

She waited until Connie and Zoe had gone, before setting her spoon down on the table. She had to get rid of it, somehow. She eyed up the bin that sat at the side of the sofa and thought about it for a second. The bin was way too obvious. What if Connie went to empty it and saw the uneaten cereal at the bottom? Then again, it might be weeks until that happened and she probably would have forgot all about it by then. There was no other way to get rid of it. She just knew that she couldn't even swallow one mouthful, even the thought of it made her feel sick.

Deciding that there was no other way to get rid of it, she picked up the bowl, stood up and chucked the entire contents into the bin. Setting the bowl back down onto the table, she grabbed a wad of tissues from the box on Connie's desk and chucked them into the bin as well to cover the cereal. The cornflakes now looked well and truly hidden by the tissue, miserable at the bottom of Connie's bin.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Lily sat back down and noticed that Alicia was hovering in the doorway of the office.

"Don't tell anyone," she whispered, and gave the junior a shake of the head.

"I won't," Alicia promised. "I'm really proud of you. Well done."

* * *

"So, Doctor Knight has gone home sick," Connie said, as she leaned over the computer in reception. "And it's Doctor Keogh's day off. Brilliant." Zoe could sense the sarcasm in her voice but she didn't say anything. "So, we're going to have to ask some people to stay late tonight."

Connie sighed in frustration and ran a hand through her head, before turning to Zoe. Iain was stood nearby, glad to have caught a break, and trying not to get on the bad sides of Connie and Zoe. They looked extremely stressed out and busy.

"Well, I don't mind staying," Zoe offered.

"Okay." Connie nodded. "I might ask Doctor Chao as well."

Iain's ears pricked up at that.

"Hang on a minute!" He yelled, causing Connie and Zoe to turn heads. "That's not fair. Can't you ask someone else for a change? Lily stayed late last night."

Connie frowned and shook her head at him. She wasn't sure whether to be confused or angry because of the way that Iain had spoken to her.

"No she didn't," she told him.

"But she told me that..." Iain stopped, noticing the look on Connie's face. "Sorry," he apologised. "I'll um...I'll leave and...Sorry."

Blushing red with embarrassment, he left the scene to go outside.

He didn't understand. Lily had told him that she couldn't hang out with him, because she was working.

But Connie had just said that she wasn't.

It made him wonder what she'd really been doing.

 **So, Iain has found out the truth and Connie has started to have suspicions as well. There will be a huge Lily and Iain scene in the next chapter so stay tuned for that. Thank you for your lovely reviews on the last chapter. They mean a lot x**


	9. Chapter 9

**citylightsonthewater: Haha, thank you so much! More to come :-)**

 **A: Thank you. I really love reading your reviews. Enjoy the update :-)**

Chapter Nine

Lily was in the middle of talking to Ethan and Robyn, but Iain didn't even think twice about interrupting. He stormed over and grabbed hold of her by the arm, dragging her away from them. They didn't think much of it and just continued with what they were doing, but Lily went ballistic.

"What do you think you're doing?" She practically yelled at her boyfriend. "I was in the middle of a conversation. You don't own me, Iain."

"You lied to me," Iain just decided to come right out and say it.

"What?" Lily gulped anxiously and forced a frown, trying to pretend that she had no idea what he was talking about. "When?"

"Last night," Iain spat at her. "You told me that you couldn't come over because you were working late. However, I just tried to stand up for you by telling Mrs Beauchamp that you shouldn't work late again today, but she told me that you weren't even here last night!"

"Iain..." Lily tried to calm him down, to tell him that it wasn't what he assumed.

"You lied to me, Lily!" He shouted. "What could you have possibly been doing? Are you seeing someone else?"

"No!" Lily cried, violently shaking her head. "No, Iain! I love you, okay? I'm not seeing anyone else. I...I wouldn't do that. Please. You have to believe me, Iain." Tears filled her eyes, as she continued to plead with him. "Please."

"I wish I could believe you, but why else would you feel the need to lie to me?" Iain asked. "If this relationship is going to work, then we need to be able to trust each other. I don't want you to feel as if you need to lie to me. I'm not going to judge you."

Lily nodded meekly and whispered, "But I'm not having an affair."

"Okay." Iain returned the nod and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Then what were you doing?"

Lily didn't say anything.

"Come on, Chuckles," Iain sighed. "What are you hiding from me?"

"Okay." Lily gulped and shrugged her shoulders, whilst anxiously fiddling with her sleeves. "I was at the gym."

"The gym?" Iain narrowed his eyebrows at her. He had to laugh at how ridiculous her answer was. "That's it? Jesus, Lily! I was expecting something terrifying. Why didn't you just tell me that in the first place?"

"Because I was scared that you'd worry and accuse me of going on some crazy, crash diet," Lily whined.

"Isn't that what this is though?" Iain chuckled. "Lily. You're my girlfriend, so of course I am going to worry. You need to talk to me about things though. Look, you're beautiful so I honestly don't understand what this is about. You've never made trips to the gym before and I haven't seen you eating an awful lot lately either."

Lily hated the fact that they were actually having this conversation in the middle of the ED.

"I'm just trying to lose a little bit of weight, that's all," she whispered quietly. "Nothing too serious."

"What weight?" Iain asked. "There's nothing on you!"

Lily hung her head and Iain realised how serious she was. He was angry at her for lying, he was hurt, and he was upset, but shouting at her clearly wasn't going to help. Exhaling heavily, he took a few steps towards her and pulled her in for a comforting hug.

"You don't need to lose weight," Iain said, tapping her on the nose playfully. "Alright? You're perfect. I wish you'd come to me if you were feeling like this. That's what boyfriends are for, eh?" He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and asked, "Why do you think you need to lose weight?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders. Iain wanted them to be honest with each other, and that was the only way that the relationship would work, but then she really didn't want to get Alicia into any trouble. She needed to try and work out what was more important though; her friendship with Alicia or her relationship?

"It was just a friend," Lily said, slowly making the decision to make eye contact with her boyfriend. "She just told me that most women are a size six, and that..."

"Stop right there," Iain said quickly.

He was angry. She could tell.

"Who the hell is this friend?" Iain asked her. "Because she can't be a very good friend if she's encouraging you to lose weight."

"She is. She's lovely," Lily said. "She's a great friend to me, Iain."

"She doesn't seem like it," Iain told her, his hands on her shoulders. "Who is she?"

Lily sniffed and just shook her head, whilst whispering, "You don't know her. She um...She doesn't work here. She lives quite far away to be honest."

It was a complete lie, and she wasn't sure if Iain even believed it. Alicia had been a good friend though and she didn't want to cause any arguments between them. She knew that Iain would go after her if she told him, and she really didn't want that to happen.

"Okay," Iain whispered. He seemed to believe her. "Still, you need to ignore her. She's probably just insecure about her own body, Lily. You don't need to diet or exercise though, alright? You're perfect, just the way you are."

"Thank you," Lily whispered back, small tears stinging her eyes.

"Do you want me to talk to Mrs Beauchamp at all?" Iain offered kindly. "If you're struggling with the workload or something, I can see if she can take it easy for a bit."

"Work's fine," Lily told him. "Honestly, Iain. You don't need to talk to her. I'll be okay."

"Come here." He hugged her again and planted a kiss on her forehead. "I don't want to hear anymore of this silly talk. Do you feel better?"

Lily nodded and forced a smile for him. She returned the hug and rested her head against his chest, her eyes darting around the room for any sign of Alicia. She hoped that she hadn't heard them.

"I'm glad," he said, rubbing small circles up and down her back.

"Yeah." She sniffed. "Ethan and Robyn have invited me to go to the pub with them."

"That's great," he said, pulling away and holding her at arms length. "That's really nice, Lily. I'm glad that you're letting your hair down a bit and getting along with others."

"Me too," she said with a small smile.

She had Alicia to thank for that.

* * *

"Mrs Beauchamp. Can I have a word?"

Connie looked up from her desk, just as Iain walked into her office. He knew that Lily had told him not to say anything but truthfully, he still had concerns and he hoped that a chat would Connie would help.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," he whispered, anxiously rubbing at the back of his neck.

"You already are interrupting," Connie sighed. "But seeing as you're here, how can I help?"

"I'm just a bit worried about Lily," he told her. "I had quite a concerning conversation with her earlier. She told me not to say anything but..."

"You're not the only one, Iain," Connie said, a small smile on her face. "What happened? Talk to me."

Iain fidgeted awkwardly and folded his arms across his chest. What seemed like a good place to start?

"It probably doesn't seem like much," he said. "But she said she couldn't hang out with me last night because she was working. Obviously, that wasn't true. When I spoke to her, she said that she was at the gym. Now, I don't understand why she couldn't have just told me that in the first place but I've not seen her eat much either. I confronted her about this and she said that a friend had been telling her how she needed to lose weight."

"Right," Connie sighed heavily. She stopped what she was doing so that she could focus on what Iain was saying. Leaning back in her chair, she said, "Well, I can't say much about the constant exercise but Lily has been eating."

"Has she?" Iain raised an eyebrow at the clinical lead.

"Yes." Connie nodded firmly at him. "She had a bowl of cereal in my office this morning."

"But did you actually see her eat?" Iain asked.

"Well, the bowl was empty when I got here," Connie sighed, rubbing at her head as if she'd completely lost the will to live.

"Yes, but did you actually see her eat?" Iain emphasised a bit more.

Connie's eyes widened. She suddenly understood what Iain was getting at and he had a point. She'd been out of the office for quite a while, whilst Lily stayed to eat the cereal. She hadn't seen her eat, she'd just come back and assumed when she saw the empty bowl.

Clearing her throat, she glanced around the office and hoped that Iain's thoughts were wrong. She then eyed up the bin in the corner and sighed, before getting up out of her chair and walking over. Iain gulped and held back, as Connie lifted the bin and gave it a shake. When she noticed the cornflakes lying at the bottom, she slammed the bin down on the floor and held her hands to her head.

"I should have stayed with her," Connie whispered. "I didn't think she'd..."

"It's fine," Iain whispered back, and shook her head. "I don't know what to do. I feel as if this needs to be mentioned but I don't want to talk to her about it too much at work, and we're both on lates today."

"No." Connie sat down on the sofa and said, "I'm not putting Lily on a late shift. I'll talk to her, alright? Leave it to me."

"I really care about her, Mrs Beauchamp," Iain said.

"I know," Connie replied and gave him a reassuring smile. "But we'll get it sorted. I promise."

 **This chapter took me ages to write. I wasn't quite sure how to go about it. I hope you guys liked it though. This is the start of a huge build up, so stay tuned and keep reading. Let me know what you think please. It's always lovely to know thoughts x**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hollie: Thank you. It's always nice to see new readers. Enjoy the talk between Lily and Connie :-)**

 **casualtyfics111: Haha, indeed she is! Hopefully they can help her.**

 **citylightsonthew: Thank you! I hope you like the update. Lots of Iain and Connie in this chapter.**

Chapter Ten

Lily squirted some red icing onto one of the cupcakes that sat cooling on the baking tray. She held her tongue out in concentration and her fingers trembled, as she cautiously avoided any mistakes. She wanted the cakes to be perfect and for that, she needed total silence.

She'd changed since getting home from work. Although her outfit was a bit more comfortable, she still looked smart and dolled up, and her clothes had been picked out by Alicia on one of their regular shopping trips. She wore a white blouse with flowers on it, a pink jacket, light blue jeans, and a delicate pair of silver, heart earrings. She didn't look as good as Alicia though, and she knew that she never would.

The doorbell rang.

Lily huffed and slammed down the tube of icing, before storming over to the front door of her flat. She was shocked to see that her surprise visitor was Connie.

"Can I come in?" She asked.

Lily nodded shyly and allowed Connie to enter her flat, before shutting the door behind her.

"You're looking very pretty this evening," Connie complimented her.

"I am?" Lily narrowed her eyebrows at her. "Um...Thanks, I...I guess. No one's really ever said that to me."

"Well, I'm sure Iain has," Connie sighed, eyeing Lily up and down. "You are his girlfriend, after all. Hasn't he ever said how beautiful you look?"

"Um...Maybe." Lily frowned. Her head hurt. "I can't remember. Did you want something?" She asked, as she turned and walked back into the kitchen. "It's just, I'm kind of in the middle of something."

"I just thought that I'd pop in on my way home from work," Connie said, peering over Lily's shoulder as she continued to ice the cupcakes. "What are you doing exactly?"

"I'm making cupcakes for Iain," Lily told her. "As an apology. I don't know if he told you what happened between us."

"Oh! They're for Iain, are they?" Connie smiled and came to stand beside Lily. "Well, that makes sense. Because you wouldn't exactly eat one yourself, would you?"

"What's the matter with you?" Lily yelled. "Can't I do something nice for my boyfriend without it becoming an issue?"

"I'm sure Iain would rather have a healthy girlfriend on his birthday, than cakes that he is expected to eat on his own Lily!" Connie shouted.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily whispered, beginning to slow down with the icing.

"I know about the cereal, Lily," Connie said, her voice quiet but stern.

"Is that some kind of code word for something?" She asked.

"You know what I'm talking about," Connie said. "Lily. Could you stop icing those for two seconds so that we can have a proper conversation?"

"They need to be perfect," Lily whispered with a small smile. "No mistakes. I'm almost done though."

"Okay," Connie sighed impatiently and gave Lily a small nod. "Well, at least listen to me. Iain's worried, and so am I. I know that you threw the cereal in the bin and yes, I am worried about the fact that you didn't eat any of it, but I'm more worried about the fact that you lied about it. If you didn't want it, why didn't you just tell me?"

"I tried to," Lily said. "And you wouldn't listen. You never do."

"Don't be rude," Connie breathed. "You told me that you were fine and when I pushed the matter, you just went along with it. You should have just told me that you weren't hungry or that you didn't want anything, but the fact that you went and lied tells me that there is a lot more going on here."

Lily shrugged her shoulders and kept her eyes on her cooking. "Like what?"

"The exercise, Lily," Connie mentioned. "You lied to Iain, instead of telling him that you were at the gym. The lying needs to stop, okay? To us, it shows that there is something seriously wrong."

"There's nothing wrong," Lily argued. "You exercise, don't you? Everyone does. It's just something to do."

"Sweetheart, it's just all very sudden," Connie said.

"Don't patronise me," Lily yelled, accidentally knocking one of the other cupcakes and causing the icing to smudge. "Now look what you made me do!" She whined. "I have to start over."

"Lily, it's just cake," Connie whispered. "Iain isn't going to mind, alright? It's hardly noticeable anyway."

"It is." Lily sounded close to crying, and Connie could tell that there was something seriously wrong. "I just wanted to do something right for a change," she whispered, setting down the tube of icing.

"Right. I would like you to see someone," Connie said. "Ben Harding, a different counsellor, anyone."

"What?" Lily cried. "Mrs Beauchamp, I don't need therapy! Why...Why do you think I need therapy?"

"Because Lily, you haven't been yourself lately!" Connie shouted back. "You just seem quite down and that isn't a bad thing at all. We all have bad days, but if it's affecting your relationship and your work life, then it needs to be sorted. Ben's good at his job, isn't he? He helped Doctor Keogh when he needed it. If necessary, you could just have the one session and we'll say no more about it."

"I don't need therapy!" Lily argued, her wooden spoon clattering to the floor.

"Lily! For crying out loud, just listen to me for once!" Connie screamed.

There was the slam of a door and both women turned to see that Iain was standing in the doorway. He was home early. Lily gasped dramatically, aware that he'd seen the cupcakes, which were supposed to be a surprise.

"Iain," Connie spoke first. "What are you doing back so early?"

"Accident in the ambulance station," Iain said. "Got sent home early. I think the better question though, is what on earth is going on, and why do you think speaking to my girlfriend like that is acceptable?"

"What happened?" Lily asked, rushing over and pressing her lips against his.

"Just a small bang on the head." He kissed her back and shook his head. "Slight concussion, but I'll be okay. What's going on in here?" He asked, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Nothing," Connie said, shooting a small smile at Lily. "I'll leave you both to enjoy your evening, okay? Lily, I would like us to continue this conversation in my office tomorrow. We're not finished. Are you going to be okay?"

"Fine," Lily whispered, her head against Iain's chest.

"Is everything okay?" Iain asked, immediately concerned.

"We were just having a little chat about earlier," Connie said, subtly winking at him. "I'm sorry for raising my voice. Get well soon Iain, and I'll talk to you tomorrow Lily."

Lily nodded meekly, suddenly feeling sick with nerves, as Connie exited her flat.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Iain asked, gently stroking her hair. Lily gave him a reassuring nod and a smile. "What are the cakes for anyway?"

"I wanted to apologise," Lily whispered. "Do you like them? Um...The icing sort of smudged on one of them."

"Are you kidding?" Iain asked, walking over so that he could have a proper look. "They're perfect. I love them, thank you."

Lily smiled, feeling pleased with herself, and shyly fiddled with her jacket sleeves.

"Why don't I help with the rest of the icing?" He insisted, not wanting Lily to fixate on Connie's harsh words. "Just for the record, as long as you are here, and no matter what is going on that we might need to discuss later, I will have a brilliant evening okay?"

Feeling emotional, Lily nodded with small tears in her eyes.

"Now, that's enough soppy behaviour!" Iain said. "Where's the sugar?"

 **Probably one of my favourite chapters. I hope you liked it. There will be quite an exciting chapter next which I think you're going to like, so I will try and update soon. Let me know what you think x**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hollie: Thank you. That really means a lot to me. Enjoy the update x**

 **LillyMayFlower: This comment made me cry! Thank you for continuing to read my work and I'm glad that you're enjoying this story. I'm glad that you think I write Connie well. Honestly, I love writing for her, but I don't feel quite ready to write her as a main character. I liked it when she called Lily 'Sweetheart' as well because it seemed like the sort of thing she'd say in that kind of situation and although Lily thought it sounded patronising, it was quite gentle and comforting. Thanks again and I hope you're doing well.**

 **Captain Nut Nut: Thanks for your help on the spelling and grammar errors. They're always useful to know! I'm really pleased that you like the story though and your review meant so much to me. It was really lovely. Thanks again.**

 **Warning: This chapter could affact some readers. Graphic scenes of bulimia.**

Chapter Eleven

Surviving on very little sleep, Lily was up bright and early the next morning. The kitchen was a complete mess from her and Iain's cooking session, but she made a mental note to clean it later on that day. She was pleased that he'd enjoyed the cupcakes and there were still quite a few left.

As she made her way into the bathroom to shower and dress for the day, she heard Iain snoring soundly from her bedroom. She smiled, pleased that he'd stayed the night, and bit her lip to stop herself from letting out a small squeal of excitement. There was nothing like the happy feeling of waking up next to the person you loved.

She eyed up the scales that sat on the bathroom floor and anxiously stepped onto them. She tucked a few strands of hair behind her ears, slowly stepped onto them, and gulped as she looked down at the reading.

128 pounds.

She'd hardly lost anything. There was still so much work to do.

Deciding to shower later, she left the bathroom to go into her living room. On the bookshelf by the TV, sat a small notebook that she often used for making notes. She turned to a blank page, grabbed the pen from the coffee table and scribbled down her new weight.

She needed to work harder.

Her stomach rumbled, a way of telling her that it needed food. No. She couldn't eat. Lily shook her head and mentally kicked herself for having such a terrible thought. It had only been a week. She couldn't ruin everything now.

Another noise.

However, she'd been getting in a lot of exercise. Maybe she didn't have to stop eating completely. Eating was a basic human need, something that everyone did, including Alicia. But then Alicia was a lot slimmer and a lot prettier than she was. What if she continued to eat whilst keeping up the exercise? But then she may never lose weight. Maybe just the odd snack here and there though?

"No, Lily," she scolded herself, placing a hand on her stomach to try and stop it from making anymore noises.

She slipped her notebook between 'Jane Eyre' and 'Little Women' and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was still so early. She had time to cram in some more exercise before Iain woke up.

Maybe some press-ups.

* * *

She felt so dizzy.

As she sat on the sofa in the staffroom, she kept thinking back to the stuff that Connie and Iain had said to her. She didn't want to cause arguments with them and she didn't want anyone to worry about her. Alicia was her friend though, and she really appreciated the help from her. Yes, Lily was tired, but she knew that it would be worth it in the end.

Her stomach growled again.

She was still so hungry though.

She eyed up the biscuit tin that sat on the counter and an even louder growl escaped. She couldn't actually remember the last time she'd eaten something, the last time she'd tasted the sweet taste of a chocolate biscuit or a custard cream. She was being so stupid. Of course she didn't have to stop eating completely. Surely, exercising and healthy eating was enough. A biscuit wasn't exactly healthy but it was just a snack, and she'd start fresh afterwards. She hoped that Alicia wouldn't hate her, but it was only one, tiny biscuit.

She stumbled over to the tin and lifted the lid. There were no custard creams, but there were some chocolate biscuits. She took a deep breath and removed one of them from its home, slowly lifting it to her mouth. She scraped her teeth along the chocolate, briefly closing her eyes, as she took a bite. It was delicious.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Lily almost dropped the biscuit in shock, and her heart began to beat fast. It was Alicia, and she didn't sound happy.

"I thought we had a deal," Alicia snapped and crossed her arms over her chest. "How much of that did you eat?"

"Not...Not much," Lily stammered, blinking to stop her tears from escaping. "Sorry. I'm just so hungry."

"It's only been a week for crying out loud," Alicia scoffed, and came to stand beside her. "Pull yourself together. How the hell are you going to get yourself down to a size six if you can't even manage a week?"

"But I really want to be a size six," Lily cried. "I'm trying, Alicia. I did press-ups this morning! I made cakes for Iain last night and I didn't even touch one. I'm sorry, okay?" She gulped and her voice turned to a whisper. "The biscuit was a mistake, but I didn't even eat the whole thing."

"You can't just exercise and assume that you'll get down to a size six," Alicia said. "You need to really work for it Lily, and that includes treading carefully around food. You need to throw that up."

"What?" Lily's eyes widened, and she violently shook her head at her. "I hate being sick."

"You want to lose weight, don't you?" Alicia questioned, and took hold of Lily's hand. "Come with me."

Lily reluctantly followed Alicia out of the room. She wiped away a single tear and followed her through the busy crowd towards the bathroom. Lily could feel people watching her and she even heard Ethan call her name at one point, but she didn't look back. She just kept her eyes on Alicia the entire time.

Luckily, the bathroom was empty.

"Go," Alicia ordered, dragging Lily into one of the cubicles and pushing her down to her knees. "I mean it, Lily! Think of that disgusting bit of chocolate biscuit, sitting there in the pit of your stomach and causing you to put on weight. You need to get it out!"

"I'm sorry," Lily sobbed, hair dangling in her face.

"Just do it," Alicia spat.

Lily slowly stuck her fingers into her mouth and slid them to the back of her throat. Wincing hard, she began to cough, but she wasn't sick.

"Keep going," Alicia encouraged.

Lily nodded faintly and tried again. This time, she lurched forwards and threw straight up into the toilet. It was horrible. She absolutely detested being sick, and soon her stomach started to feel empty and sore.

"How do you feel?" Alicia asked, sitting herself on the cold floor beside her.

She was being nice again.

Lily didn't say anything. She coughed, flushed the toilet and remained on the floor with her back against the wall.

"You did well, Lils," Alicia complimented her. "I'm proud of you. Look, I have something for you."

"What is it?" Lily asked, grimacing at the horrible taste of sick swimming around in her mouth.

"It's a friendship bracelet," Alicia said, sticking her hand into her pocket and pulling something out of it.

"That's a little bit childish, isn't it?" Lily pointed out.

"No," Alicia giggled, leaning over and tying the pink bracelet around Lily's wrist. "Whenever you feel like eating, you can look at that and think about me, okay? You're my best friend Lily, and the first person I could really talk to when I started working here."

Lily nodded faintly, tears rolling down her cheeks, and she fiddled with her new gift.

"Why don't I come over tonight?" Alicia suggested. "We can have a girly evening, just the two of us."

"That'd be nice," Lily whispered, smiling slightly. "Thank you."

"I know what will cheer you up," Alicia said. "Have you got any hair dye?"

* * *

"I just wanted to continue our chat from yesterday if that's okay," Connie said, whilst chewing on the end of her pen. "How was your evening? Did Iain enjoy the cakes?" She managed a small smile at that point.

"He loved them," Lily said.

"Good. I'm glad," Connie said. "They looked nice."

She sighed before continuing.

"Regarding our conversation yesterday Lily, I don't want you to feel as if you're being forced into therapy. I'm just expressing my concerns and sometimes if a person is feeling low, then it's best to talk to someone who they don't know as well. Therapy doesn't necessarily means that someone needs help, but maybe what they do need is just a chat about something."

"I'm not feeling low," Lily whispered.

"Okay." Connie nodded at her. "And I have no reason to doubt you. Like I said before, I don't want you to feel forced into a chat with someone. However, I will take this opportunity to tell you that because of the job environment you are in, it is not safe for you to be missing meals. You're determined and you're hard-working, but we are in a highly stressful and mentally taxing job and we need to ensure that everyone is well fed in order to maintain that concentration. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes, Mrs Beauchamp," Lily whispered.

Connie examined Lily's outfit and cleared her throat. Her choice for today was a pink vest top, some skinny jeans, and some trainers. It wasn't her usual look at all.

"You don't need to change for anyone; friends, family, boyfriends," Connie elaborated. "You are a very kind and caring young woman, and a fantastic doctor, Lily. Whatever demon it is you are fighting, don't let it win. Talk to someone. We all care about you."

Lily nodded. She guessed that Connie was probably talking about Alicia.

"Speaking of boyfriends," She continued, "Are you changing the way you dress to try and impress Iain? He loves you for who you are, not what you wear. And, frankly, I'm starting to get a little concerned now. New outfits, running to work, skipping meals. This isn't you, Dr Chao."

Using her formal title made Lily pause, and she almost told Connie what Alicia had been saying to her, but she stopped herself. Alicia was her friend. She wouldn't do anything to hurt her, would she? No. Of course she wouldn't.

Stop being so paranoid, she scolded herself in her head.

"Lily?"

Lily glanced up, and made eye contact with Connie since the conversation began.

"I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp," Lily apologised. "I guess I have been a little distracted lately, but it's just the new job. I want to be a consultant someday, so I've been working hard."

"Perhaps a little too hard." Connie frowned. "Please Lily, spend some time with Iain, let him cook you a hearty meal, and when you're next on shift you can continue on your journey to being a consultant. Before you know it, it will be you sitting in this chair."

"Do you really mean that?" Lily asked, pleased but shocked.

"I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't mean it," Connie said. "Are you and Iain seeing each other tonight?"

"Not tonight," she whispered. "I um...I'm actually spending some time with a friend. I'll probably look at seeing Iain tomorrow though."

"That sounds nice," Connie said. "I'm happy for you. Have fun, alright?"

"Thank you," Lily said. "I'm sure I will. And um...Thank you...For saying that. If I ever become a clinical lead, then I hope I'm as good as you."

"You don't need to creep around me, Lily," Connie said. "I've already complimented you. I'll let you get on now, okay? I've kept you long enough. Take care of yourself."

"Well, thank you again, Mrs Beauchamp, that means a lot." And with that, Lily stood and walked out of Connie's office, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

 **I'm sorry that chapter turned out to be incredibly long! It took me ages to write. Took a lot of editing and research, so fingers crossed that it turned out okay.**

 **Honestly, I wondered if I'd had Iain and Lily worrying too early on in the story. But Lily has changed quite drastically in her personality, I suppose, so hopefully it seems okay.**

 **Let me know what you think x**


	12. Chapter 12

**Captain Nut Nut: Thank you so much.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: That is so lovely of you. Something dramatic has been planned and will come within the next few chapters so stay tuned. I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through that and in a way, I'm pleased that people noticed so that you could get the right help. I hope things are okay now for you. Thanks again for reading my work.**

 **Citylightsonthew: Thank you. That's good :-)**

Chapter Twelve

Lily was actually really looking forward to a girly evening with Alicia, and Alicia kept reminding her about the fun that they would have. Lily didn't know why Alicia wanted her to get a pack of hair dye, she already had pink in her hair, but she bought some on her way home anyway. There were so many different colours to choose from but eventually she plumped for blue, assuming that Alicia might have wanted something fresh.

"I hope blue is okay," Lily said, handing the hair dye over, as they sat on Lily's bed together. "I wasn't sure what colours you like."

"Me?" Alicia frowned at her and let out a small, embarrassed giggle. "Lily. The hair dye is for you."

"Me?" Lily repeated her question. "I um...I don't dye my hair."

"You should," Alicia said. "Dying my hair always cheers me up. Oh my gosh, I love it so much. Trust me, I am a professional so I won't go wrong, okay?"

"Alicia. No." Lily shook her head at her. "I'm...I'm exercising and I'm dieting but...I...I'm not dying my hair."

"What's wrong with it?" Alicia asked. "Guys love women with colour in their hair."

"But I already have a boyfriend," Lily felt as if she needed to remind her. "I don't need to dye my hair."

"You want to be my friend, don't you?" Alicia's tone suddenly turned aggressive, and it scared Lily. "And you want Iain to stay with you, don't you? He's already thinking twice about your relationship, Lily, so don't make things worse."

"He is?" Lily questioned, gulping back the lump that had formed in her throat.

"I overheard him talking to Jez," Alicia told her, and Lily wasn't sure whether she was lying or not. "This could really help you, Lily. It could save your relationship."

Lily glanced down at the hair dye in her hands and she suddenly felt sick. She'd never dyed her hair before and she had never had any intention of dying her hair.

"It doesn't have to be the whole head," Alicia added. "Just the tips, like me."

Lily gave an uncertain nod and asked, "Are you sure that you know what you're doing?"

Alicia nodded firmly with a smile. "Positive!" She said.

"Okay," Lily exhaled. "Let's...Let's do it then, quickly, before I change my mind."

"Great." Alicia's smile grew wider. "Let's go to the bathroom then. I'd hate to ruin your carpet."

* * *

Lily had to admit that she felt quite nervous about walking into work the next day. She knew that someone would have something to say about the blue tips of her hair. It had taken a bit of time for her to finally like it, and she hope that what Alicia said about guys was right. She hoped that Iain would like it enough to keep their relationship going.

As soon as she walked into reception, everyone turned heads, especially Connie.

"Oh. Morning, Lily," she seemed shocked. "I see you've changed your hair. It's um...Very different, did anything prompt such a change?"

"It's just dip dye," Lily whispered, gently touching a strand of her blue hair.

"You're right," Connie sighed, as she gathered some patient files off of the desk. "We have far more important issues at hand, so let's get back to work. Doctor Hardy, with me please."

Ethan looked up at that moment and choosing to ignore Lily's new hair, swiftly followed Connie away to cubicles.

Lily couldn't help but feel a little hurt at the fact that her change in style hadn't had enough of an effect on Connie. She obviously didn't see her as the sort of person who could have a lighthearted girly chat. To Connie, she was still the stern and cold Doctor Chao, but maybe that wasn't who she wanted to be anymore.

Putting on a mask to hide her pain and sadness, she left to go to the ambulance bay, hoping that Iain was in there. She just hoped that she wouldn't get the same reaction.

He was there, alone.

"Hi Iain," Lily whispered, stepping into the ambulance bay.

"My beautiful girlfriend!" Iain said, spinning round on the spot. "Whoa!"

His smile dropped.

Lily smiled for the both of them and asked, "What do you think?"

"I think you have blue in your hair," he said, frowning and jumping down from the ambulance. "My question is, why?"

"I just fancied a change," Lily said. "I thought you'd like it. You...Do like it, don't you?"

"Sure..." He didn't seem so certain. "It's just not really you."

"Of course it is." Lily shrugged her shoulders. "I did it for you, Iain."

"But you didn't have to," Iain said. "I like you just the way you are, Lily. I didn't ask you to go and dye your hair, did I?"

There was a pause as he reached out to touch a bit of the blue. He sighed and shook his head, suddenly remembering that Lily had mentioned spending the evening with a friend last night.

"This was your friend's idea, wasn't it?" Iain sighed again. "Was it the same friend who'd suggested losing weight? You need to stay away from her, Lily. She sounds awful and if I knew who she was, I'd be saying something to her about it."

"Don't, alright?" Lily whispered. "I agreed. I um...I like my new hair."

"Do you really?" Iain scoffed, but noticed the solemn look on Lily's face. "I'm sorry. It looks nice, okay? If you really like it, then...That's fine. You just need to be careful around this friend of yours. Personally, I don't like the sound of her."

Lily didn't say anything. She hated to hear Iain saying such bad things about Alicia, and she knew how upset she'd be if she heard him.

"Why don't you come round to mine tonight?" He suggested. "I'll cook for you."

Lily thought about it. What if Iain cooked her something with loads of calories in? What if she made an excuse not to eat and he got suspicious? Then again, he was her boyfriend and she remembered what Connie had said about allowing him to cook her a meal. She couldn't blow her own boyfriend off.

"How about we go out somewhere?" She suggested, knowing how much easier that would be. "Sorry. I...I just fancy eating out."

"So you can show off your new hair, huh?" He winked at her. "No, that's fine. Whatever you want to do, we'll do it. Have a think about where you might want to go, alright?"

"I will do," Lily said.

"Good." Iain leaned in and gave her a kiss on the lips. "I love you."

"I love you too," Lily replied.

There were eight hours until dinner. She felt sick with nerves.

 **A small filler chapter but I hope that was okay. It's going to start building from here x**


	13. Chapter 13

**ChloeNaomiTokyo: That's okay. Casualty was really good, but it upset me when Lily and Iain fought. Personally, I think Iain was such an idiot last night and he was incredibly rude to Lily. Thanks for reviewing.**

 **casualtyfics111: You aren't the only one. More to come.**

 **Hollie: That's a really good idea. I'm glad that you like the story.**

 **A: That's okay, I hope everything is good with you. A lovely Iain and Lily scene in this chapter.**

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan: You will soon see.**

Chapter Thirteen

"Let me take your coat."

Lily nodded meekly and slid her long, brown coat off of her shoulders. Although Lily had chosen a restaurant where it was highly unlikely to see Alicia there, she still found herself looking around for any sign of her. She really didn't want anything to ruin their date.

"Are you okay?" Iain asked, concerned for his girlfriend.

"I'm fine," Lily whispered. "Thank you. It's um...It's a nice place."

"Indeed," Iain chuckled, and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

Lily winced and gave him a nod, subtly stepping to one side so that Iain's arm dropped at his side. Iain looked her up and down but said nothing, as they followed the waiter to their table.

"Can I get you a drink?" He asked, and handed them each a menu.

"Yeah, just a Diet Coke for me," Iain said, cursing the fact that he was driving that evening.

"Um...Water, please," Lily said. "Thank you."

He nodded at them both and walked away, leaving them to have a look at their menus. Neither of them spoke for a while, but just stared intensely at the listings of food. Lily desperately tried to look for something that had the least amount of calories in it, but that was proving to be quite difficult.

"What are you going to have then?" Iain asked, as he closed his menu.

"I'm not sure." Lily gave an awkward shrug and tucked her hair behind her ears. "I might go for one of the salads."

Iain nodded. "Very healthy," he said. "You're going to make me look bad."

"What are you having?" Lily asked.

"Steak and chips," Iain said, grinning madly. "And of course, I will have to have my steak extra rare. I need it to be mooing on my plate, that's how rare I want it to be."

"That's gross," Lily said, but she had to laugh.

The waiter came back over with their drinks and took their orders, complimenting the both of them on their choice. Lily guessed that he said "good choice" to whatever anyone ordered, even if it wasn't a good choice at all.

"I'm starving," Iain said, as he walked away.

"Yeah," Lily said, taking a deep breath. "Me too. It's um...It's been a long day."

"It has." Iain nodded at her. "You know, it will take me a while to get used to your new hair. I still can't believe that you dyed it."

Lily managed a weak smile and said, "Sometimes change can be a good thing."

"That is very true," Iain yawned, as if he hadn't slept in years. "And you pull it off, but you know I love you in your natural state though. No makeup, hair up, curled up in bed on a Saturday morning is some of the best time we spend together."

"Me too." Lily smiled back at him. "So thank God it's Friday!"

Feeling genuinely happy, Lily playfully clapped her hands together, which caused Iain to laugh. Their food soon arrived though and Lily soon faded back to discomfort. The salad, although healthy, looked disgusting and something that would cause her to gain weight in seconds.

Iain thanked the waiter for the both of them and reached for the ketchup, squirting it all over his chips without a care in the world. He looked up and smiled lovingly at her, as he picked up one of his chips with his fingers.

"Tuck in," he said, gesturing to Lily's own meal. "Can I tempt you in a chip? They're really good."

"No, thank you," Lily said. "This salad is pretty big, I doubt I'll be able to manage anything else."

"The portions here are huge," Iain said. "Good though."

Lily nodded and watched nervously as the blood poured out of Iain's steak. She lifted her eyes and had a spoonful of her salad, chewing slowly and trying her absolute best to swallow. It was so hard though. She swallowed hard and looked across the room at a really slim girl, having dinner with her family.

Lily pondered, thinking that she was probably a size six. What was she doing? She'd been doing so well and now she was eating. She felt awful. She held back her tears and had a few more mouthfuls, the sickness growing bigger and bigger as the bowl slowly began to empty. She could feel her stomach slowly growing as well and she knew what she needed to do.

"I'm just going to pop to the bathroom," Lily whispered, putting her spoon down.

"You were hungry," Iain observed. "Was that nice?"

"Yes, thank you," Lily said, standing up from her chair. "I won't be long."

"I'll be here," Iain said.

The two of them smiled at each other, and Lily left to go to the bathroom. She hoped that no one was in there as throwing up wouldn't have been easy, but luckily someone was leaving just as she was walking in.

She was alone.

She locked herself in a cubicle and remembered what Alicia had told her. She needed to get every piece of food out of her, and fast. She leant over the toilet, flicked her hair out of her face and stuck two fingers into her mouth. She coughed, just as she heard the door to the bathroom open.

"Do you really think that you could be pregnant?" A woman's voice asked.

"I don't know!" Her friend replied, sobbing hysterically. "But I'm not ready for a baby, Jill! How do I even know that it's Peter's?"

"Don't cry. I'm sure everything will be okay," her friend replied. "We'll stay in here for a bit, okay?"

Lily rolled her eyes and let out a silent groan. Now was not the time for an hysterical woman to be in the bathroom. God knows how long they were going to be in there! She needed to be sick. She hovered in the cubicle for a little while, listening to their conversation whilst she waited. From their conversation, she learnt that the two women were called Jill and Sandra, and that Jill was pregnant but wasn't sure if the baby belonged to Peter or some idiot called Kyle. Jill was also in her twenties and studying hairdressing at college.

Eventually, they left, and Lily quickly forced her fingers down her throat again. Tears stung her eyes as she emptied the entire contents of her stomach and she suddenly realised how long she'd actually been away from the table for. Iain was probably wondering where she'd got to.

When she was sure that everything was up, she wiped her mouth and gave her hands a quick wash, before faking a smile and heading back to her date.

 **I hope you enjoyed the chapter. More to come x**


	14. Chapter 14

**ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you. Someone soon will :-)**

 **citylightsonthew: That's alright. How are you feeling now? I hope you're better. Thanks for the review.**

Chapter Fourteen

A month passed.

Whilst Lily and Alicia seemed to be growing closer, Lily and Iain seemed to be growing further apart. It wasn't that Lily didn't love Iain, because she did, but Alicia seemed to understand her a lot more. Besides she'd worked so hard and taken Alicia's advice, and she wanted her to notice that.

"How do I look?" Lily asked, as she examined herself in the mirror.

"Amazing," Alicia complimented.

She was smiling and it made Lily feel great. Had she finally done it? Had she finally lost enough weight to be the woman who she wanted to be? She couldn't believe it.

"Really?" She asked, turning to face Alicia. "I'm not sure."

"You look good, Lily," Alicia said. "You've done well. I'm proud of you, and I have a little well done present for you."

"You didn't have to do that," Lily said, tucking a strand of hair behind one ear. "You already got me the bracelet."

"I wanted to," Alicia said. "Close your eyes."

Lily closed her eyes and exhaled deeply. She was nervous, but also excited. What on earth could Alicia have bought for her? Suddenly, her hands felt very heavy and she opened her eyes to see the most beautiful black dress. She couldn't believe that Alicia had gone to so much trouble.

"So, I realised that pink might not be your colour," Alicia said. "But black definitely is. I thought you'd like it."

"I love it," Lily gasped, draping it across the bed. "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Thank you."

She ran her hand over it and fiddled with the tag that was attached. It was a size six.

"Do you think it will fit me?" Lily asked her.

"Probably," Alicia sighed, and gave a small shrug of the shoulders. "If you've worked hard enough, which I'm sure you have. I wouldn't have bought you a six otherwise. You'll just have to try it on and see."

"It looks too nice to wear," Lily giggled, as she continued to stroke the dress. "Thank you."

"You've already said that," Alicia laughed. "You're welcome though. I'm glad that you like it."

* * *

At work the next day, Lily didn't feel right.

She had a horrible sickness in the pit of her stomach, and the entire ED felt as if it was spinning. She was sure that it would pass, so she tried her very best to keep her mind off of it, by throwing herself into her work. Whenever a patient was wheeled in, she'd treat them. Whenever paperwork needed to be done, she was on it faster than anyone else.

"Lily!" She was so focused that she almost didn't hear Iain shouting her name. "You and I are having sex tonight," he announced randomly, causing a few heads to turn.

"Say it louder, I'm sure no one heard you," Lily muttered under her breath. "What's brought this on exactly?"

"We're supposed to be in a relationship here Lily, and we've hardly seen each other," Iain said.

"Don't be ridiculous," Lily said. "We've seen each other at work."

"Well," he sighed. "That's not really the same, is it? Come on, Chuckles. I don't want to be one of those boyfriends who never gets a chance to see his girlfriend."

"Sorry," she apologised quietly. "I've been busy."

"With this friend again?" He asked, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Honestly Lily, I feel a little pushed out. You keep seeing this friend of yours, I'm supposed to be your boyfriend, and I haven't even been introduced to her."

Lily opened her mouth. Maybe she should just tell Iain that Alicia was the friend, but knowing that it was someone else in the ED that she'd been spending time with might make him even more jealous.

She didn't want to argue with him.

"I'm sorry, Iain," Lily said, putting down her pen and carefully walking over to him so that she could give him a hug. "We'll spend tonight with each other, okay? I won't see anybody else, but you."

"You're allowed to have friends, Lily," Iain laughed, removing her hair from her face so that he could kiss her forehead. "But you shouldn't forget your boyfriend. Besides, I'm too good-looking to forget, eh?" He chuckled to himself, held her at arms length and winked at her. "I love you."

"I love you too," she replied.

The room continued to spin and Lily found herself toppling sideways. Iain quickly caught her before she hit the floor altogether, a confused and worried look on his face.

"Lily. Are you okay?" He asked.

"Fine," she answered quickly, shrugging him off. "I'm fine. I just...I um...Came over a bit dizzy, that's all."

"Maybe you should take a break," Iain said, his hands on her shoulders. "I'll get you a glass of water."

"Iain, I'm fine," Lily reassured him. "I'm not due my break for ages yet."

"You just almost fainted, Lily..." Iain went to say.

"I didn't." Lily shook her head, and folded her arms across her chest. "I've got a headache. There's a difference."

Iain sighed heavily and nodded, looking her up and down. She wore black trousers, a blouse and quite a thick jacket as well. She was probably boiling, hence the dizziness.

"Alright." He nodded. "Maybe take the jacket off though, yeah?"

Lily nodded and forced a smile, although she made no attempt to remove her jacket.

"Promise me that you'll tell someone if you feel unwell," Iain said. "Me, or Mrs Beauchamp, or even Zoe and Charlie?"

"I promise," Lily whispered, keeping her arms across her chest. "Thank you, Iain."

* * *

"I'm really glad that we're doing this," Iain whispered.

It was later that evening and he was currently lying in bed with Lily lying on top of his bare chest. It had been a long day, for the both of them, and Iain was pleased to finally be spending some quality time with his girlfriend.

"How are you feeling now?" He asked her.

"Loads better, thank you," Lily whispered, playfully tapping him on the nose. "And I think I know the reason as well."

"Oh yeah?" He laughed. "And what might that be?"

"You, you idiot," she giggled. "Thanks for today," she sighed. "You always make me feel better."

"That's what I'm here for," he said, running his hands up and down her back.

Lily tensed up and her smile turned fake. Iain narrowed his eyebrows, as he moved his hands to her stomach. She felt so thin. He could practically feel her ribcage.

"Lily..."

"Iain. Don't." She shook her head and rolled off of him and onto the bed. "Just, don't," she said, sitting up and hugging her knees to her chest.

"Lily," he whispered. He didn't know what to say. "Maybe this diet needs to stop now."

"No." Lily shook her head and tried to hold back her tears. "It's okay, Iain. I know what I'm doing."

"You've lost quite a lot of weight, Lils," he stated. "The dieting, the exercise, it...It needs to stop before it goes too far."

"Don't say that," Lily hissed through gritted teeth. "I don't want to hear it, Iain. You may say that I'm beautiful and that you like me just the way I am, but I know that it isn't true."

"What?" Iain snapped, sitting bolt upright. "Do you actually believe that? Do you actually think that I would lie to you? If that's what you think Lily, then maybe we shouldn't be in a relationship with each other! I can feel your ribs, Lily! I'm worried about you, so is Mrs Beauchamp, and although they might not have said anything, so is everyone else in the ED!"

"They hate me!" Lily shouted.

"They invited you to the pub the other day, didn't they?" Iain asked.

"Because of this!" Lily screamed, gesturing to herself. "Because I have worked hard to change myself, Iain! If I was the same, boring, old Lily Chao that I was before, then they never would have done that! I'm a better person now, Iain. People like me."

"You shouldn't have to change for other people," Iain said. "Am I not good enough for you or something? You'd rather spend time with this friend who makes you feel crap about yourself, you'd rather be popular and well liked by everyone, but you're forgetting the fact that I love you and want to spend time with you."

"That isn't true," Lily choked up.

"I don't know what to believe anymore," Iain sighed. "I'm really tired. I think I'm going to head to bed."

"I'm sorry," Lily sobbed, watching as Iain lay down and turned his back on her. "Iain? Iain, are you mad at me?"

It took him a while to answer. "Just go to sleep, Lily."

 **So I hope you enjoyed the chapter. The next one is quite a big one, but I have no idea when it'll be posted. I've been really busy lately and when I've had time to update, I've just been too tired. I will try and post it as soon as possible.**

 **Also, I'm in the middle of writing a Lily and Iain Christmas story. I'm pre-writing it because I plan to post a chapter a day throughout the whole of December. Hopefully I can manage it x**


	15. Chapter 15

**citylightsonthew: That's good. There will be lots of drama in this chapter, so I hope you enjoy it.**

Chapter Fifteen

Crashing. Banging. More crashing.

Tidying the back of the ambulance seemed to be the only thing to keep Iain's mind focused. He and Lily hadn't really been on speaking terms since their little argument, which he hated, but he just had no idea what to say to her. She was obviously insecure about the way she looked, but that was what he was struggling to understand. She was beautiful, and yet she was slowly ruining her body.

"Iain?"

There was a knock on the wall. Iain turned and saw that Lily was standing there, dressed in some black leggings, trainers, and a long-sleeved white shirt with a hooded jacket. Her choice in outfit made Iain cringe, and the sunlight helped him see how much weight she'd really lost.

"What?" He asked, his tone moody and agitated.

"Sorry," she whispered. "I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for lunch today."

"That depends," he sighed. "Are you planning on eating it?"

Lily didn't say anything and shifted uncomfortably on the spot. She folded her arms across her chest, gulped anxiously, and took a few more steps towards her boyfriend.

"I hate it when we fight," she told him.

"Me too," he let out another sigh. "But honestly Lily, I'd just rather not talk right now. It isn't because I'm angry as such, but worried. Why would you do this to yourself? I don't...I don't understand, and I'm going to talk to Mrs Beauchamp about it."

"No, Iain!" Lily immediately began to beg. "You can't talk to Mrs Beauchamp! Please, she...She can't know about this. Don't involve her!"

"She already has her suspicions, Lily!" He yelled at her. "Can't you see that you need help?"

"I don't need help," Lily's voice quietened again and she frustratingly ran a hand through her hair.

"Well, I'll let you think about that," Iain said. "But I don't want you to see that friend again. She's clearly manipulating you into being something that you don't want to be."

"This isn't her fault!" Slowly, Lily began to cry. "I'm not even that bad, Iain."

Fat, salty tears rolled down her cheeks, and she found herself gripping Iain's arm tightly. Her nails dug into his skin and she allowed her face to fall into his chest. She prayed that he'd pull her in for a hug and comfort her. He'd soothe her and talk to her, and he'd promise never to bring the topic up again.

He didn't do any of those things though.

He pushed her away gently, shook his head, and his eyes just filled with sadness and pity.

"Mrs Beauchamp needs to know what's going on," he whispered, placing one finger under her chin and lifting her face so that she was making eye contact with him. "It's for the best."

* * *

"What do you mean by 'thin' exactly?"

Connie chewed on the end of her pen, and anyone who knew her well would have been able to tell that she was deep in thought. Her eyes were half shut, and every now and then she'd let out a huge, frustrated breath. The vein in her forehead was so noticeable and creases in her blouse began to form.

Iain almost regretted mentioning anything to her.

"You should have seen her, Mrs Beauchamp," Iain said. "I'm seriously worried, and I don't know what else to do. Every time I talk to her, she just puts her defences up."

There was silence between them.

"She needs help," Iain added quickly.

"Okay, calm down," Connie sighed, dropping her pen onto her desk and running a hand down her face. "We've all had our concerns, but you need to realise that we can't just jump into accusing her of anything. It's a difficult thing to approach, so we need to tread carefully."

"You've changed your tune," Iain scoffed. "You were shouting at her the other day for making cupcakes."

"And I think we both learnt from that, that shouting is not the best way to go about it all," Connie said. "Where is Lily?"

"I think she's in the staffroom," Iain said. "She was getting hysterical, so I told her to take a break. She can't be dealing patients in that state."

"Good call," Connie sighed.

"It's this friend of hers," Iain said sadly. "I've never met her and I don't even know her name, but she sounds horrible, and she's slowly ruining Lily's life. Lily can't see that though. She's just desperate to have friends that she doesn't want to see the bad in her."

"Come with me," Connie said, standing up from her desk. "We'll talk to her together."

Nerves came over Iain and he suddenly began to wonder if he'd made the right decision or not. Lily was bound to get defensive again and he didn't really want the clinical lead to be on the receiving end of her abuse either.

Lily was in the staffroom, alone with just her thoughts. She had one leg crossed over the other, and her chin rested in the palm of her hand. Her eyes shone with tears and it made Connie's worries grow and take over her body. What had happened to the registrar, who used to be one of her best doctors?

"Right," Connie sighed, clearing her throat and perching on the edge of the coffee table so that she sat directly opposite Lily. "We need to have a chat."

"Iain spoke to you then?" Lily whispered, glaring at her boyfriend out of the corner of her eye.

"Because he's worried about you," Connie stated.

Lily straightened out her shirt and quickly stood up, desperately wanting to get away from the interrogation. The room spun though and Connie had to grab hold of her arms, helping her sit back down on the sofa slowly so that she wouldn't pass out.

"Look at you," Connie said gently and stroked at Lily's hair. "You can barely stand."

"I'm okay," Lily whimpered, pulling her arms away from Connie's grip. "I already told Iain that I don't need help."

"Just hear me out," Connie said.

Although she was worried, and slightly angry, she tried not to show it. Lily needed her to be calm and gentle, something that she wasn't the best at, but needed to at least attempt.

"You and I both know that you haven't been yourself. Your style has changed," she started off by saying and eyed Lily up and down. "You've been withdrawing yourself from everyone and you haven't been eating properly either."

Lily didn't say anything. Iain also stayed silent, allowing Connie to talk.

"This friend of yours," Connie sighed. "It sounds like she has an awful lot to do with it all, so maybe we need to try and sort that. I know you want friends Lily, but you have them. Robyn, Louise, Ethan, Cal, me?"

"They're not my friends," Lily mumbled. "I hear the way they talk about me behind my back, and they never invite me to join in with anything."

"Maybe because they're scared that you'll say no," Connie said. "Let's be honest here, you're like myself and you don't like going to the pub, do you? There's nothing wrong with that, but maybe that's why they don't invite you. Have you ever thought about inviting them to do something?"

"They won't want to," Lily said. "A...This new friend understands me."

"Does she?" Connie asked. "What's she been saying to you?"

Lily gulped and ran her tongue along her lips. There was no escaping the conversation.

"She...She's just been telling me that I need to lose weight," she admitted. "And that I need to get down to a size six, otherwise no one will like me, especially Iain. She said that she wouldn't like me, if I don't do what she says."

"That's ridiculous," Iain spat. "And you believed...?"

"Iain," Connie cut him off, and shook her head at him, before turning her attention back to Lily. "Who is this person, Lily? She has been horrible to you and she has caused you to become ill. You can't live like that."

"I can't say," Lily whispered. "She told me not that she didn't want me to talk to any of you about her."

"I would like to know her name," Connie said. "This cannot carry on."

Suddenly, she sounded angry. Lily didn't know what to do. She looked across at Iain who now had tears rolling down his face, and she knew that it had all come to an end. She didn't want Alicia to get into trouble and she didn't want to lose the friendship that she'd had with her, but Connie wasn't going to let it go.

Were Connie and Iain right? Was Alicia a horrible person? There had been times where Lily had felt upset and threatened by her, but mostly she'd felt happy. She felt like a better person, and she felt good about herself when she saw the weight that she'd lost. She would have never felt like that, if it hadn't been for Alicia's help.

"Lily?" Connie spoke.

It was no use. Lily had to say something. Maybe she could try to convince Connie that Alicia was secretly a nice person though, and maybe Connie would allow her to keep her job. Maybe she could then convince Alicia to stay friends with her.

"Sorry," Lily apologised, although she wasn't sure what she was sorry for exactly. "It's Alicia."

She felt awful, and she expected Connie to storm out of the staffroom so that she could go and give her a lecture. Instead, she and Iain just exchanged looks with each other.

"Okay..." Connie whispered, and gave Lily's hand a gentle squeeze. "And this Alicia, how um...How did you meet her?"

Lily frowned. She was confused.

"Alicia Munroe," she elaborated. "She's a junior doctor in this department."

Connie exhaled deeply. Iain turned away and ran his hands down his face. Connie just looked over at him, hoping that he'd say something, but he couldn't even look at them.

"Lily," Connie said, turning to look at her again. "There isn't anybody called Alicia who works here."

 **So a couple of you guessed in some earlier chapters, so a huge well done to you. I've been waiting to write this chapter for ages, so I really hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think x**


	16. Chapter 16

**LillyMayFlower: Thank you so much. Well done for suspecting it. At least now Lily can get the help she needs, and thank you for your honest opinion on this chapter before I posted it.**

 **ReadingxTherapy: Thank you! It was really difficult, trust me. I'm so pleased to hear you say that. You will see in this chapter.**

 **Captain Nut Nut: Thank you. I'm really glad that it was completely unexpected for you. That's exactly what I was aiming for. I will try and update those stories as soon as possible, so stay tuned.**

 **littlej23: Thank you, I am so pleased to hear you say that. It's always nice to hear from new readers. I always try and write inner thoughts for characters. Thank you for the lovely comment.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you. Enjoy the update.**

 **MrsWhovian: I'm glad that it came as a surprise to you.**

 **citylightsonthew: Sorry, I deleted it because I wanted to do some more editing on it. I hope it's okay, and thanks for your review.**

Chapter Sixteen

No one spoke for a good five minutes.

Iain was leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. Connie remained on the edge of the coffee table, her hands clasped and over her knees as she tried to take in what was happening. Lily just sat there, on the sofa, a blank expression on her face.

"You're lying," she whispered eventually.

"Why would I be lying?" Connie whispered back. "I'm clinical lead of this department, Lily. I know everybody who works here and I can tell you, hand on heart, that there is no doctor in the name of Alicia Munroe."

Lily fidgeted uncomfortably and she looked as if she was about to be sick.

"But...I've spoken to her," she said. "I've had conversations with her."

"Face to face conversations?" Connie asked, and Lily nodded faintly. "Did you ever text each other?" She asked, and Lily shook her head. "Okay. Did anybody else in the department talk to this...Alicia?"

"I don't know." Lily swallowed hard and glanced over at Iain, who now had his hands over his face. "I...My head hurts," she whimpered. "I don't know. She didn't want me to talk to anyone about her."

"And you didn't think that this behaviour seemed slightly unusual?" Connie asked gently.

Lily squeezed her eyes shut and a small tear escaped. She shook her head and ran her hands through her hair, letting out a silent scream. What was Connie getting at? Alicia had to be real! She'd seen her. She'd talked to her. She'd given things to her. The bracelet? And the dress?

"But she gave me presents," Lily spoke up, slowly opening her eyes so that she was making eye contact with her boss. "She did. She...She gave me this beautiful dress and a friendship bracelet, and she brought cake in on her first day of work!"

Connie flinched at how loud and hysterical Lily was becoming, and she hated the fact that her boyfriend was having to witness such things as well. Lily rolled her sleeve up, obviously wanting to prove to Connie that her new friend was indeed a real person.

However, the friendship bracelet had gone.

"That...That's impossible," Lily sobbed out. "It was there. I...I never take it off!"

She jumped up from the sofa and hurried across the room to her locker. She needed to find it, she needed to find any kind of proof. Everything had gone though. The bracelet, the dress, even the cake tin was nowhere to be seen.

"You did this," she accused, looking across at Connie and Iain with tears in her eyes. "You want me to think that I'm going crazy, so you stole everything from my locker."

"Lily, we didn't do anything," Iain jumped, taking the risk to walk over to her. "We would never make you think that. Just sit down and let us help you, please."

"Alicia's real," Lily cried, staring at him cautiously.

Her heart was beating fast and she was suddenly finding it rather hard to breathe. The room was still spinning, and suddenly Connie and Iain weren't her friends at all. They were horrible villains, desperate to take everything away from her. For the first time in her life, she didn't know what to do. No one made sense anymore, apart from Alicia. She was the only one who made any sense at all.

She felt so dizzy.

"Lily. Why don't we go somewhere more comfortable?" Connie asked softly, sensing the fact that she wasn't feeling well. "Sooner or later, this staffroom is going to be full of doctors and nurses taking their lunch break and that won't make you feel any better."

Lily's hands were shaking and she had to hold them to her head to try and make sense of the world. She had no idea what Connie was saying, what words were coming out of her mouth. Iain remained at her side and she could feel his breath on her neck. It scared her.

She wanted Alicia.

"She...She's real," she sobbed out again.

She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince them or herself of her existence.

"Alicia is just a figment of your imagination, Lily," Connie whispered.

"So...You're saying that I'm mad?" Lily accused, tears rolling down her cheeks. "That I invented her?"

"That your mind invented her!" Connie quickly corrected. "The mind can play crazy tricks on a person, Lily."

"She's my friend," Lily whispered, thinking back to all of the good times that she and Alicia had together. "She can't be made up. She just can't be."

"She's been causing you to starve yourself," Connie observed, and caught the way that Lily was looking down at her stomach. "Sweetheart, you've not been eating properly and..."

"I have been eating," Lily quickly defended. "Just because you've not seen me, it doesn't mean that..."

"Have you though?" Iain interrupted.

Suddenly, no one was allowed to finish their own sentences. Lily and Connie both turned their heads towards him, interested to hear what he had to say. Iain took the opportunity to continue.

"That time in the restaurant," he sighed, edging closer to her. "You ordered a salad and you spent quite a long time in the bathroom afterwards. Were you making yourself throw up at all?"

"No," Lily quickly lied, violently shaking her head at her boyfriend. "No! Why would you say that? I wouldn't do anything like that. I...I'm fine. I'm...I'm happy."

"Lily," Connie spoke up. "People who make themselves sick like this usually aren't happy for some reason, do you want to share anything with us? We're here to listen."

"I've not been making myself sick," Lily yelled. "I...I felt unwell, but...I didn't purposely make myself throw up. I...I wouldn't."

"But you'll admit that you've been dieting," Iain put in.

"Lily," Connie sighed, running her hands down her face. "Body image and dysmorphia is very common in young women, and if you've seen this Alicia as a real person and listened to every bad word that she's said then..."

"You are not a shrink," Lily cut her off, before she could say anything else. "So stop trying to psychoanalyse me!"

She turned away and held a hand to her head. The room was spinning faster than ever and she felt as if she was going to be sick.

"Lily. Are you alright?" Iain asked, concerned.

"Why don't we get you to a cubicle?" Connie suggested, walking over and tucking some stands of hair away from Lily's face. "You don't look very well and I would like to examine you. We can talk more about it then."

"I'm not going anywhere with you," Lily murmured, coming away from the lockers and falling weakly against Connie.

Her knees gave way beneath her and she toppled to the floor with a thud.

"Okay." Connie kept hold of her shoulders and crouched down beside her. "Are you in pain at all?" She asked, and Lily shook her head. "Alright. Come with us though, please. Everything's going to be okay. I promise."

Lily felt Connie give her hand a gentle squeeze.

She glanced up and noticed the pure sadness in Iain's eyes.

It crushed her.

She'd caused that.

 **I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'm not too sure on it. I read it over and it seemed quite messy and rushed to me, but I hope you guys liked it. Let me know what you think x**


	17. Chapter 17

**LillyMayFlower: Thank you so much.**

 **ReadingxTherapy: Thank you. You will soon see what happens. I try my best, although sometimes it's quite difficult.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Oh, that's so lovely of you. Thank you. I'm really sorry to hear that and I am sending you loads of get well wishes. I hope my story isn't too difficult to read, as I know it can be if you're going through similar stuff. Apologies if it is. I don't know if you have an account on here but I am always here if you needed to talk. Get well soon, lovely girl xx**

 **citylightsonthewater: Thank you! Enjoy the update.**

Chapter Seventeen

"Just step onto the scales for me, sweetheart."

Fear and anxiety filled Lily's big, brown eyes. She looked at Connie with a face of sadness and slowly shook her head. She couldn't. Connie was bound to see her weight and she'd just judge her completely. She didn't even want to know her weight. What if the number was huge?

"I really need you to," Connie whispered. "I won't judge. I'm here to help."

It was as if she'd reached inside of Lily's mind and pulled out her thoughts.

Connie was trying her absolute best to be sympathetic and gentle with Lily. Lily was sick and she couldn't help it, so Connie knew that taking the angry approach wouldn't get either of them anywhere.

Lily just knew that Connie wasn't going to let her go until she'd been weighed.

"Please just don't say the number out loud," Lily begged her, reluctantly taking a slow step onto the scales. "I can't bear to know."

Connie sighed deeply and looked down at the reading, logging it in her notepad so that Lily didn't need to know how much weight she'd lost.

"Regardless of the number, which I will have to talk to you about at some point," Connie said. "You know how ill you are becoming, Lily. Your body is telling you."

"Promise me that you wont tell Iain how much I weigh!" Lily pleaded, a fresh set of tears brewing. "He can't know, Mrs Beauchamp. He'll be so disgusted."

"What would you say, Lily?" Connie sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. "If I said that you'd actually lost quite a...Scary amount of weight. Would you believe me?"

"I'd say you were crazy," Lily whispered, wrapping her arms around herself. "It's still not good enough. It never will be. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for anyone."

Just as Connie was about to argue with her, Charlie popped his head around the door. He opened his mouth but saw that Connie was tied up, so immediately shut it again.

"I need to deal with this," Connie sighed, knowing that Charlie probably wanted to discuss Lily's current situation. "Do not move a muscle," she told Lily sternly. "I'll send a nurse in to take your blood pressure."

She gave Charlie a small and worried smile, and left the cubicle with him. They made their way to reception where Iain and Zoe were both waiting, both of them filled with worry as well. Connie ran a hand through her hair and leaned against the desk with her arms crossed.

"Her weight is rather low for someone of her age and height," Connie said, handing her notepad over to Charlie.

She didn't particularly want to mention it out loud, as the ED was full of people who were quite happy to listen in on conversations. Connie didn't need to say anything though, as Charlie's face said it all.

"Iain told us what happened in the staffroom," Zoe said. "Has she really been seeing things?"

"What?" Charlie glanced up from the notepad with wide eyes. "Are you serious?"

"Not seeing things as such," Connie said. "But you know how Lily hasn't been herself lately? She's been withdrawing herself from everyone, she's not been eating, she's dyed her hair, that sort of thing? Well, turns out she's been talking to this person called Alicia Munroe who she said was a doctor in this department."

"But she isn't," Zoe stated.

"Obviously!" Connie snapped, annoyed at the fact that her colleague was stating the obvious. "I don't know what's going on here, I'm just as confused as you. Clearly, we need to send her for a psych assessment though. This imaginary person has caused her to harm herself, and Lily may not want to admit it, but she needs help."

"Do you think she could be ill?" Charlie asked. "Schizophrenia? Bipolar Disorder?"

"No." Iain shook his head. "Surely, we would have realised sooner. I...I know my girlfriend. Lily won't have any of those things."

"Seeing things isn't exactly the new normal, Iain," Connie said, sighing for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "I don't know, honestly. Hopefully we'll know more after an assessment."

Charlie said nothing and suddenly he was looking past Connie at Zoe. "Do you remember Ruth?" He asked her.

"Who doesn't remember Ruth?" Zoe joked, chuckling to herself.

"Ruth?" Iain narrowed his eyebrows at the consultant.

"Ruth Winters," Zoe elaborated. "She was a junior doctor years ago. She was good, don't get me wrong, but she did have a few issues and she had to be sectioned in the end."

"What was wrong with her?" Iain asked.

"Bipolar Disorder," Zoe said. "But she came back to work, and she ended up moving away from Holby with her partner, and a baby on the way. I hate to sound like a total cliche, but she got the happy ending that she deserved in the end."

Iain nodded faintly and Connie knew what he was thinking.

"That doesn't necessarily mean Lily will be diagnosed with that," she put in. "Don't worry. We'll get everything under control; Alicia and the eating."

"But if she realises that Alicia is just in her mind, surely she'll start eating again," Iain said.

"I'm afraid it isn't as easy as that, Iain," Charlie sighed, looking at the paramedic with sympathetic eyes. "Lily has spent a long, long time, thinking that Alicia is real, and her mind has been filled with awful, awful thoughts. It might take her a while to think positive thoughts again."

Iain nodded and rubbed at the back of his neck anxiously, as Robyn passed by the desk.

"Oh, Robyn?" Connie called to her. "Lily is in cubicles. Don't say anything to her, but could you just take her blood pressure for me please?"

"Um...Sure." Robyn looked confused. "Why do you not want me to say anything?"

"Just don't." Connie pursed her lips and shook her head. "Just make a note of it and return to me, please."

Deciding that it was best to just obey the clinical lead's instructions, Robyn nodded and hurried away to cubicles. Connie exhaled deeply and threw her head back, noticing how concerned Iain looked for his girlfriend. Honestly, she felt sorry for him. It couldn't have been easy.

"Um...Mrs Beauchamp?" Robyn soon came back over.

All heads turned and saw the look of panic on the red-head's face.

"Lily isn't there."

 **Cliffhanger! Sorry it's taken ages to update. I wasn't quite sure how to write these next couple of chapters so was trying to plan it all out x**


	18. Chapter 18

**ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you so much. That's so lovely of you to say. I hope you get better soon, and enjoy the update.**

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan: I remember that episode as well. I absolutely adored Ruth and Jay and I really miss them. Ruth was one of my favourites.**

 **Giatrix: Definitely! The poor guy has no idea what to do, bless him. I'm really glad that you think that, and thank you for giving your opinions and listening to my rants haha. Means a lot.**

 **casualtyfics111: Ah, you will soon find out.**

 **A: Thank you. You'll see what happens in this chapter.**

 **RedBelle94: Thank you. It's always really nice to hear from new readers. I feel as if it is important to show the reactions of Lily's friends and colleagues. I am planning on that, yes, so hopefully you'll be seeing Ruth very soon.**

Chapter Eighteen

"We'll be safe in here."

Lily locked the door of the on-call room and turned slowly to face Alicia. She was sat on the floor with her back against the wall and her knees hugged to her chest. Lily gave her a small smile and set the key down on the little table, before taking a seat on the bed.

"Alicia." A pause. "Are you real?"

"I knew it," Alicia scoffed and shook her head in disbelief. She seemed angry. "I just knew that you would side with them. Can't you see that they're trying to seperate us, Lily? They're feeding you with lies."

"I...I'm not siding with anyone," Lily stuttered, her eyes shining with tears. "I need to know though. Am I going crazy?"

"Lily," Alicia sighed. "I'm as real as you want me to be. I'm the one that you need to listen to, alright? Not Iain, not Mrs Beauchamp, not Zoe, not Charlie, not anyone else but me! Do you understand?"

"I'm just so scared," Lily began to cry and allowed her head to fall into her hands. "My head hurts. Mrs Beauchamp said that you weren't a doctor here, and she knows everyone! What if...What if you are just in my head?"

"Fine!" Alicia shouted and stood up from the floor, causing Lily to flinch slightly. "If that's what you want to believe, then go ahead! I don't care! Just so you know though Lily, I lied. You haven't lost weight. In fact, you've gained it and you look worse than ever."

"But Iain loves me and he would never say those horrible things you just said to me. How can you expect me to trust you over him?" Lily screamed.

"Haven't you heard the saying that real friends are those who are you honest with you?" Alicia asked.

"Don't say that," Lily whispered. "I've been trying. Honestly, I have."

"Clearly not hard enough," Alicia spat. "Just look at the state of you. I'm sorry Lily, but you've ruined it for yourself. If you don't want to think that I'm real, we're done."

No," Lily cried, shaking her head and reaching out to try and grab Alicia by the arm. "Please don't go. I...I need you."

This feeling of total desperation was new to Lily. It was foreign to her, the kind of emotion she had so often judged other people for exhibiting. It had crept up on her slowly to begin with, but now, in this moment, it was consuming her. She didn't know who she was without Alicia there to guide her every move. As she wrestled with her own thoughts, she realised she couldn't get a hold of Alicia's arm - because there was nothing to hold on to. Her heart sank.

Was Connie telling the truth? Had Alicia been a figment of her imagination? It couldn't be true – Alicia was stood right before her. As she searched herself for answers, she found only one which she knew to be true - the once confident Lily Chao had been reduced to a shell of the woman she used to be, and had become her own worst enemy. Lily was sure everyone was going to judge her, and judge her harshly.

* * *

"You weren't here when Ruth was working in this department," Zoe said, as she and Connie speed walked towards the on-call room. "If I have learnt anything, it's doctors who are usually in a vulnerable state that hide themselves away in here. It's a safe place, isn't it?"

"And if she isn't in here?" Connie sighed.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Zoe said.

Of course, everyone had completely freaked out when Robyn had informed them of Lily's sudden disappearing act. Robyn had been sent back to work, whilst Charlie and Iain covered one half of the hospital to try and find her, and Connie and Zoe the other half. Straight away, Zoe had thought back to the conversation that she'd had with Charlie about Ruth, and how she'd locked herself in the on-call room when things had got too much.

They reached the door and she immediately tried the handle, only to find that it was locked.

"Lily," she called, her voice calm and gentle. "Are you in there?"

"Go away!" Lily called back straight away.

She sounded different. It was as if she'd been crying, she sounded weak and almost scared.

"Move aside," Connie snapped, upon realising that Zoe had been right in her guessing. "Lily, open this door! This isn't funny!"

"Connie, act calmly," Zoe whispered.

"She could hurt herself," Connie hissed.

"She won't." Zoe shook her head, a hand held to her mouth. "I promise you that she won't do anything of the kind. I've known Lily a lot longer than you and..."

"This is not the time to play who knows Lily best!" Connie interrupted her loudly.

"Just stay calm," Zoe told her.

"Lily," Connie breathed, attempting to keep her calm like Zoe had told her to. "I really need you to open the door for me. Now, please."

"I said go away!" Lily shouted again. "What don't you understand?"

"Now is not the time for fun and games!" Connie immediately lost it again. "Just do as you're told! I mean it!"

"That's not staying calm," Zoe whispered, looking down at the floor and shaking her head at Connie.

Connie pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled deeply, placing a hand on the door of the on-call room. Zoe didn't know what to do, as it seemed as if Lily wasn't going to open the door at all. Just as they stood, pondering to themselves, Charlie and Iain arrived.

"What's going on?" Iain asked, hurrying up the steps to the door. "Is Lily in there? Let me speak to her!"

"Keep her calm, Iain," Zoe whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder gently.

"Lily?" Iain choked out, his forehead pressed against the door. "It's me. I need you to listen to me here. I know that you're scared but just listen to my voice. I know that it may seem like everything is going wrong for you, and that the world just seems to be crumbling around you, but you're not alone in this. You have me and so many other people who love you."

"Just leave us alone," Lily sobbed. "Please!"

"Us?" Iain questioned. "Lily. Who's us?"

"Alicia!" Lily suddenly yelled and threw something at the wall, causing Iain to jump back. "We're fine, just the two of us!" Lily was determined to prove that Alicia was real, she would not, could not, be taken for a fool. "Alicia is helping me, so I don't need anyone else!"

"Lily," Iain sighed and crouched down on the floor. "Come on, Chuckles. I love you."

Silence lingered, before Lily spoke again.

"Alicia told me that people who love you are honest with you," she whispered. "So I need to know what you don't like about me, Iain. You can't love everything because that's not possible. That's not honest. That's not love."

Iain glanced up at Connie who was towering above him. She looked almost as scared as Iain felt. He didn't know what to say.

"If you're honest with me, I'll open the door," Lily said.

It was a catch-22. There wasn't anything that he didn't like about her, but then he also needed her to open the door. He couldn't lie and come up with something though. She'd be so upset, and she was already in a vulnerable state.

"I love you, Lily," he said. "That's never going to change. I hate that I haven't made you feel happy and secure enough to trust in that. So, I guess you could say that something I struggle with is trying to get you to trust me, I really wish you would. But hey, we'll work on it together, alright?"

There was a long pause. No one spoke. A sniff was heard from Lily and suddenly so was a click of the door. Iain gasped and stood up, stepping back from it to give her some space. The door slowly opened and Lily stood there, staring at the crowd of people that stood before her, tears causing her mascara to roll down her cheeks. The blue tips of her hair stuck to her tear stained face, and she looked completely wiped out.

Iain didn't say a single word to her, but instead just enveloped her in his arms. Her frail arms wrapped tightly around his neck and she closed her eyes and buried her face deep into his shoulder. He could feel how thin she'd become, but he decided to stay quiet.

She needed him.

"They are all so good at manipulating you, Lily!" Alicia suddenly yelled, causing Lily's eyes to snap open. She was back. She was real. "Just telling you what you want to hear. Go on, get violent and see what happens then. Iain certainly won't stick around. They'll all just cart you off to some psych facility!"

Things escalated rapidly, and Lily unexpectedly lashed out.

"Don't make me do this, Alicia!" She screamed, and thrashed about in Iain's arms. "Not to him! I love him!" She collapsed back into Iain's arms in floods of tears and sobbed, "Iain! Don't leave me. Please, don't let them take me! I can't!"

"Okay," Iain soothed, and began to rub comforting circles up and down her back. "Okay, calm down. Calm down. I've got you."

"Lily," Connie then took it upon herself to step in. "Why don't you come with me, lovely? We'll take you somewhere more comfortable."

"No!" Lily shouted, clinging onto Iain for dear life – the life she had worked so hard to build for herself. "I'm not going anywhere with you! I just want to stay with Iain."

"Well, Iain can come with us," Connie said, stroking at her hair. "You can trust me, eh? I won't let anything bad happen to you."

"Don't talk to me like that!" Lily spat at her. "I'm not a child!"

"Okay, I'm sorry," Connie said, glancing at Zoe out the corner of her eye. "But I still need you to come with me."

"It fits though!" Lily cried, causing Connie to jump. "I told Alicia, it fits! It does! Size six is fine!"

"I'm sure it is," Connie said. "I don't doubt that."

"You all think I'm stupid!" Lily said. "Stupid, Dr. Chao, who's completely lost her mind! I bet you're all loving this, aren't you? You're all having a good laugh at me, I know you are!"

Connie shook her head. "That's not true. You're a fantastic doctor in this department, and we just care about your wellbeing. Now, stop this and come with me. Iain can come too."

"You don't care!" Lily screamed. "None of you care! You just care about your stupid ED! You're scared that an inspector will walk in here and see that one of your doctors has gone crazy!"

"Stop screaming at me," Connie said, feeling deafened and hurt by Lily's words.

"I'll scream as loud as I want," Lily said, and suddenly turned her body to the door of the on-call room. "Alicia! Shut up!"

Zoe held her hands to her forehead and suggested quietly, "Maybe we need to get her sedated."

"What?" Iain piped up, and let go of Lily's arms. "No! No way! That's not happening! You'll have to go through me first!"

"No, I think you're right," Connie said to Zoe, and nodded her head at Charlie. "Charlie. Get a member of psych down here, now."

Charlie was already off down the stairs, before Connie could even finish her sentence.

"No!" Lily screamed, and began to lash out at Connie. "No! You're making Alicia hate me!"

"Lily. Calm down," Connie spoke sternly, and took a gentle hold of her to try and sit her down on the floor. "You don't need to be scared, alright? I'm here, Iain's here, you're going to be fine."

"Let me go!" Lily screamed, tears rolling down her cheeks.

No matter how much she thrashed about in Connie's arms, there was just no getting away from her grasp. She heard Connie ask Zoe for help, whilst mentioning how strong Lily actually was, and she heard Iain begging for Connie to stop. She didn't listen to him though.

Charlie returned minutes later, with a man who she vaguely recognised. Maybe he'd been down in the ED before. She wasn't sure.

And where had Alicia gone? She couldn't hear her and she could no longer see her either. She'd left. She hated her.

"Just do it."

That was Connie's voice. She sounded upset. Her arms remained around her waist and suddenly, she felt Iain's hand in hers.

The last thing she remembered was the prick of the needle going into her skin, before everything went black.

 **One of the hardest chapters ever to write, and probably one of my longest. Thank you to the lovely Giatrix for her help and thoughts on this chapter before I posted it. I hope you all liked it x**


	19. Chapter 19

**ReadingxTherapy: Aw, I'm so sorry that I made you cry. Hopefully they'll all be able to help her. Thank you so much for the lovely comment. Your reviews make me smile and I really love your writing as well.**

 **LillyMayFlower: Thank you and I'm glad you said that, as I do love writing for Zoe. I remember her in the episodes leading up to Ruth's breakdown (those were my research for these chapters of the story). Thank you so much and I hope you enjoy the update.**

 **Bluebell140: I agree that sedation must have been hard for him. Hopefully he won't have to witness it again.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you. I actually quite like writing long chapters. Not at the moment as I will be going for a bit of a rewrite with it, I felt like it was clashing with a few of my other stories. Hopefully it will be posted again soon.**

 **A: Me too. Thank you!**

 **citylightsonthew: Thanks for the lovely review. I hope you're okay and I'm always here if you need to talk.**

Chapter Nineteen

The secluded room felt like a prison.

The walls, that were supposedly white, were dirty and stained. There was nothing but a bed, a wardrobe that was hardly big enough to hold a couple of dresses, and a small table. It didn't look very friendly, in fact it looked as if it was going to open up and swallow the next person who walked in. There wasn't even any light. The window was high up and barred, causing the patient to feel even more trapped than they were.

Iain sat on the uncomfortable mattress with his back up against the stone wall. Lily lay beside him with her head in his lap, and he slowly rubbed small circles up and down her back to try and comfort her. She was shaking and every now and then, a small sob would escape from her mouth. He wished that there was something that he could do, but unfortunately it was out of his control.

What hurt him more was the way Lily had screamed for his help during sedation. He knew that he'd have to leave her again soon, and honestly, he was dreading it.

The door creaked open, and Connie was the first one to walk in. Charlie and Zoe followed her, along with a nurse who worked on the ward and went by the name of Caroline.

"Iain," Connie spoke softly, and the paramedic knew what was coming straight away. "Why don't you go and get yourself a drink with Charlie? We need to talk to Lily for a bit, and quite frankly, you look exhausted."

"I'm fine," Iain said, moving his hand to gently stroke Lily's hair.

"We really need to speak to Miss Chao alone," Caroline spoke sternly.

Iain knew that he wasn't going to like her. She looked like one of those old-fashioned nurses or headteachers, where she carried a cane everywhere she went, looking for some excuse to whip someone with it.

"Just come with me, Iain," Charlie said, nodding his head towards the door. "We'll grab a coffee or something. You can come and see Lily in a little while."

"We'll have to see about that," Caroline cleared her throat. "Technically, it isn't visiting time."

"Technically, Lily isn't actually a patient on this ward as of yet," Connie snapped, knowing that Iain would want to say a proper goodbye to his girlfriend. "So I think we can allow the two of them a bit of time after we talk."

Iain nodded and sighed deeply, as he gently removed Lily's head from his lap.

"I'll see you later, okay Chuckles?" Iain said, leaning forwards on the bed.

"What?" Lily slowly lifted her head and her eyes went wide. "No, Iain. Stay."

She sounded exhausted, but he couldn't really blame her.

"I'll be back later," Iain said and planted a loving kiss on her forehead. "I promise. Come on, you're Lily Chao, the bravest and strongest person I know. I need you to continue being brave and strong for me because we just want you to get better. Alright? I love you, beautiful."

"Iain," Lily sobbed and clung to him like a small child, as he embraced her. "Don't go."

"I'll be back later," Iain promised.

"Iain!" Lily screamed, as Iain stood up from the bed. "Iain!" She kept hold of his arm, refusing to let go.

He sighed and looked down at her terrified face. Her tears began to fall faster, and he realised that if he loved her that much, then he needed to try and let her go. No matter how hard it would be.

"We just want to help you," he whispered. "I'm sorry, Lily."

"Iain!" She screamed in floods of tears, as he walked with Charlie to the door. "Iain, don't go! Iain!"

"Alright. Okay," Connie whispered, moving to take Iain's place on the bed. "Come here, please. Don't get upset. You're alright, and he'll be back later. I promise."

"Iain!" Lily screamed once more, as the door slammed shut behind the men. "Iain!"

"Ssshh, Lily," Connie soothed, pulling her in for a hug. "Stop, please. I just need him to go with Charlie, just for a little while, so that we can talk to you. Come on. You do realise why you're here, don't you?"

"I'm fine," Lily hiccuped between sobs. "Don't lock me up, Mrs Beauchamp. I'm okay, I...I promise."

"Now, you don't actually sound too sure about that yourself," Connie whispered, removing some wet streaks of blue hair away from her face. "We love you and we care about you, and we don't want anything bad to happen to you. Just stay here for us, give yourself a little break, and when you're better you'll be allowed out again."

"But I'm okay," Lily whispered, weakly resting her head against Connie's shoulder. "I...I just need to work."

"Lily." Zoe crouched down on the floor in front of her and placed a gentle hand on one of her legs. "Alicia isn't real, darling. I think even you know that, don't you? You're seeing things but not only that, you're starving yourself. Can't you see that you need professional help, something that Connie and I can't give you alone?"

"I don't want to be here," Lily choked out.

It broke Connie's heart to hear Lily so weak and vulnerable, and as Zoe talked to her, she tried her best to wipe away the tears that had somehow started to roll down her cheeks. She found herself holding Lily tighter and she wasn't sure if that was to bring comfort for her, or for herself.

"You won't be alone," Zoe said. "Caroline and the other doctors and nurses will look after you, and there will be other patients going through similar things. Iain will be able to visit during visiting hours, and Connie and I are going to be helping out too."

"Really?" Lily asked.

"We won't just be in the ED," Connie said. "We've discussed it, so we'll be working between here and the ED. That way, we can help with your treatment but we'll also be here if you just need someone for a chat and a cuddle."

Lily shrugged awkwardly in her arms, and pulled away.

"It's okay to feel scared," Connie told her. "People who are scared and upset are not weak, they've just been trying to act strong for so long. That's all."

"How long will I have to be here for?" Lily asked her.

"That depends," Connie sighed, and looked over at Zoe and Charlie. "If you respond well to the medication and if..."

"Medication?" Lily immediately questioned.

"And if your eating is going well, we can look at discharging you," Connie interrupted in a stern voice. "The medication will help Alicia go away, Lily. I promise you that if you take this medication, then you will never have to see Alicia again."

* * *

It was horrible, hearing Lily's cries for help, as Iain had left the room.

They'd been so loud, so ear-piercing, and so sad. Tears rolled down his face, and he couldn't quite believing what was happening to his girlfriend. Lily didn't belong in a psych ward, she never did, and she was bound to hate the fact that she wasn't able to work.

"How are you doing?" Charlie asked, sitting down on the sofa beside Iain in the visitors room of the ward.

He handed him a cup of coffee, before having a sip of his own.

"I'm meant to be the one to protect her, Charlie," Iain said, his fingers curled around his mug. "But how can I do that when I don't even know what I'm up against? This Alicia is like my personal nemesis that I just can't overcome. I don't know what to do."

"Do you remember when I told you about Ruth?" Charlie sighed, and Iain nodded. "Her partner Jay, was a lovely guy. Okay, he...He got off to a bad start when he first arrived at the ED, but who hasn't? He felt exactly like you though. I remember seeing his face when Ruth first got sectioned and I remember that he rang her in psych once and suggested visiting because he had news to tell her."

"And what happened?" Iain asked.

"Ruth hadn't been taking her medication," Charlie said. "So, she assumed that Jay was going to ask her to move in with him. She escaped the ward, went on a massive shopping spree, and just had this complete downward spiral."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better, Charlie?" He asked.

"What I'm saying is, that Jay was scared and upset to see his girlfriend in that state," he said. "But he got through it. Soon, Ruth was out and working again. She got pregnant and they moved away from Holby. Let's think, their little girl would probably be about four now. I still keep in touch with them, so I could see about you having a chat with Jay if you want."

"Really?" Iain asked, and Charlie nodded. "And Ruth? Do you think Lily would benefit from a chat with her?"

"Well, I don't see why not," Charlie said. "In a lot of ways, Ruth and Lily are both very similar. I'll give them a call, and see if we can arrange a day for them to visit."

Iain nodded thankfully and had some of his coffee. The two of them just sat there for a while, discussing random subjects whilst finishing off their coffee. Iain couldn't help but let his mind wander though, and he wondered how Lily was getting on and whether she was co-operating or not. He couldn't imagine that she was.

Charlie obviously sensed this.

"Shall we go and see if they've finished then?" He asked, taking Iain's empty coffee mug from him.

Iain nodded and stood up with Charlie, following him down the corridor towards Lily's room. Other patients on the ward stared at them as they walked, wondering what was going on, and the odd one screamed and caused Iain to jump a mile in the air.

Why on earth was he letting them lock Lily up?

As they walked into Lily's room, he saw that she was still on the bed, in Connie's arms.

"Hey," he whispered.

She slowly lifted her head and gave him a small, calm and frightened smile.

"Come on," Connie breathed. "Come and say goodbye."

Iain wiped a small tear away from his eye and walked over to bundle Lily into his arms.

"You're going to be okay, Chuckles," he cried into her shoulder. "I'll visit you every day, alright? I promise. Stay strong for me and you'll be out in no time, okay?"

"They want to take Alicia away," she cried back, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck.

"Alicia wasn't a very nice person to you, Lily," he said. "It's for the best."

"She helped me though," Lily said.

"They can help you here," Iain told her. "I love you so much, okay? I want you to remember that. And when you get out of here, I'd like you to move in with me."

"Really?" Lily asked.

"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me," Iain said. "You're the woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with so when you're out, we're going to move in together and one of these days, we'll even get married. I promise you Lily that when you're out, you will never have to see Alicia ever again."

 **So I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thank you so much for all of your lovely comments so far x**


	20. Chapter 20

**Bluebell140: Me too and let's hope so.**

 **RedBelle94: Thank you so much. I totally agree and I'm glad it shows well in Iain. When I first started writing for this couple, I was really worried because I hadn't written Iain as a main character before. I'm used to him now though, lol. Thanks for reviewing.**

Chapter Twenty

Lily couldn't believe it.

She didn't want to believe it.

She, Doctor Lily Chao, had been sectioned.

Everyone else had left the ward to go back down to the ED, and she'd never felt so alone. She sat on her bed in a pair of tracksuit bottoms, some trainers, and a baggy jumper. She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her head against the cold wall, as fat tears began to roll down her cheeks.

Her freedom had been taken. Her electronic items and her jewellery had been taken off her, she was stuck in a tiny room that felt more like a cardboard box, and she was only allowed to see her boyfriend during visiting hours.

She'd ruined things for herself and she knew that. There was nothing that she could say to change the things that she'd done. Everyone she loved was gone and she wished that she could turn back time and do things a lot differently. Her body was filled with this ugly, terrifying storm that was just slowly taking over. There was no way out. She was trapped, with no hope and no future.

She hated herself and she couldn't stand to face another day.

She looked towards the door, praying that someone would come to take away her pain. She thought of her colleagues working down in the ED and wondered if Connie had told them what happened. She missed them. She missed working, and she missed the atmosphere of the Emergency Department. She missed Connie, and wished that she was brave enough to show her weak side and ask for a hug. Connie had been like a second mum to her.

Why was that though? Why, Lily asked herself, was she never the one to initiate hugs or tender moments with people? She thought immediately of Iain, for he was the only exception to that rule. After all, she had kissed him first. Then again, now that they were together it was nearly always left up to him to make the first move - that sounded awful put like that, and as the thought circulated in Lily's mind her self-loathing grew even more monstrous. She was convinced it was only by some miracle Iain was still interested. Maybe he was only hanging on out of pity, maybe he wouldn't come back and maybe she'd be alone in this cold, oppressive room forever. Lily couldn't understand herself - She loved Iain, so why couldn't she show that properly? Did he even know how much she loved him, or did he think that their relationship was like Alicia - a mind game.

Being alone with all these conflicting thoughts was exhausting, and Lily could no longer distinguish between what was going on in her head and what was happening all around her. The one thing she was absolutely certain of, was that she missed Iain more than anyone and wished he was there with his arms wrapped around her making her feel safe, like only he could.

Thinking of Iain made her cry even harder and she dug her nails into her legs. The door creaked open and she was about to shout at Alicia to leave her alone, but when she looked up she saw that it just Caroline.

What if Caroline was in her head as well though?

"Dinner time," the nurse said.

Dinner time? Just those two, little words sent shivers up Lily's spine. The sound of them made her skin crawl and a sudden sickness arrived in the pit of her stomach. Caroline didn't appear to be going anywhere though, so Lily had no choice but to follow her.

Walking down the corridor of the ward felt absolutely terrifying. The rest of the patients were already sat in the dining hall, ready to eat, and Lily was sat at the end of the table beside a woman with curly, blonde hair. Lily examined her carefully, wondering what her reason for being sectioned was. The blonde woman didn't speak to Lily though, but Lily couldn't really blame her. She was new to the ward, wasn't she? Who would talk to her?

The food came, and it made Lily's stomach churn. It was porridge, not the nicest of meals. Lily picked up her spoon and watched the horrible, thick, lumpy stuff plop into the bowl.

"Are you actually going to eat that?"

Lily looked up and saw that Alicia was sitting opposite her. She was back. Gently putting her spoon back, she pushed her bowl away and shook her head. She couldn't.

"That's the right answer," Alicia said.

Lily glanced down at the full bowl and looked down the table at everyone else who seemed to be eating it without any problems. She gulped and looked back to Alicia, only to realise that she'd now disappeared. Faded away into thin air.

"Lily Chao!" Caroline's stern voice echoed through the hall, and soon the nurse was at her side. "Is there a problem? You need to try and eat something whilst you're here."

Lilyhung her head and actively tried to remember Iain's words about never having to face Alicia or her horrible comments again if she managed to push on with the recovery. She thought about the fact that Iain had mentioned them getting married. Was that even possible? Would she make it that far? Did he even mean it? He might not have done, seeing as he didn't even have a ring and she couldn't remember him ever getting down on one knee either. She could visualize him though, standing at the topof the aisle, gazing lovingly at her as she walked down in her beautiful, long, white, lacy dress.

She forced a smile for Caroline, and slowly shook her head, as she lifted the spoon to taste some of the porridge. It made her feel sick and as soon as she swallowed some, she noticed that Alicia had returned to the table.

Unfortunately, she only managed the one spoonful.

* * *

"How's she been?" Connie asked, as she and Charlie arrived at the psych ward that night.

It had been a busy day at the ED, but both of them had agreed to help out on psych for the night. With it being Lily's first night on the ward, the two of them had agreed to make sure that she got settled.

"Not great," Caroline sighed. "But first days are always hard, aren't they? She didn't eat at dinner time, and she's spent the rest of the time in her room. She may still be awake, so it's probably worth a chat."

Connie glanced at her watch and nodded sadly, as they followed Caroline to her room. Caroline opened the door and Connie and Charlie stepped in, both quite pleased to see that Lily was still awake and just sat up in bed with her knees to her chest. Immediately, Lily left her bed and hurried over to fling her frail arms around Connie's neck.

"Hey!" Connie laughed, almost falling backwards. She handed Lily's set of notes to Charlie and asked, "What's this all about?"

"Have you come to let me out?" Lily mumbled into her shoulder.

"Well, I can't do that, but I can promise a little chat," Connie said. "Alright? Is it okay if we use the lounge, Caroline?"

"All patients should be in bed," Caroline said sternly.

"It's her first night," Charlie reminded her. "You said yourself that first days are always hard. Give her a break, why don't you?"

Although Caroline wasn't at all happy about the situation, she agreed to let Connie and Lily go to the lounge. Connie sat down on the sofa, turned on the TV and bundled Lily into her arms. Lily just clung to her in silence, her whole body shaking, her eyes fixated on the news programme that was being shown.

"It'll get better," Connie whispered, removing some strands of hair from Lily's face.

"I just miss everyone," Lily whispered back, and gave a small shrug of the shoulders.

"Homesickness," Connie stated. "Completely natural. You'll have visiting times tomorrow though, and I'm sure Iain will pop by to see you."

Lily nodded and looked towards the TV screen with a small smile.

"I saw Alicia again earlier," she said. "But...She isn't real, is she?"

"Do you think she is?" Connie asked.

"I...I don't know," Lily stammered. "I thought she was. Now, I'm not so sure." Connie nodded and rubbed small circles up and down Lily's back. "Are you sure Iain is coming tomorrow? You will remind him, won't you?"

"Lily. I won't have to remind him," Connie laughed. "Believe me, it was hard enough getting him to leave. He'll be here, I promise you."

Lily sighed and rested her head against Connie's lap wearily. Tomorrow seemed like such a long way away. She thought about Iain, fast asleep at home - or was he asleep? Maybe he was wide awake, thinking about Lily. Those thoughts brought more tears to her eyes and she couldn't wait until visiting time rolled round.

In the meantime, she just had to sit and wait patiently.

 **This chapter has taken me all day to write. Thank you to Giatrix for helping me out and giving me your opinion. It was nice to hear what someone else thought of it before I posted it.**

 **Thanks for all of your support on this story so far guys. Lots more to come, so stay tuned x**


	21. Chapter 21

**Bluebell140: Yeah, so do I.**

 **littlej23: Aw, that's okay. I hope it's all been okay for you. Thank you so much. It was a really hard chapter to write and I did quite a bit of research for it. I do like writing about dark and heavy topics, so I'm glad you think so. Thank you.**

 **McKayla: Connie and Lily have always been one of my favourite relationships to write. Thank you and I will add loads more of them for you. Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad that you're enjoying the story.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you so much. Enjoy the update.**

Chapter Twenty-One

"Mrs Beauchamp?"

Connie lifted her head and glanced across at Robyn who'd somehow snuck up behind her. She wasn't sure how long she'd been standing there for, but she looked upset. Connie sighed heavily and pursed her lips together, before slowly walking over to the nurse and embracing her in a hug. Usually, Connie Beauchamp was never one to initiate hugs or any physical contact for that matter, but she knew how hard Lily's section was on everyone in the ED.

"How...How is she?" Robyn mumbled into Connie's blouse and her lower lip wobbled.

"Um...Well, I'll be honest with you," Connie said, and rubbed small circles up and down Robyn's back. "Not great, but it's only been one night. She'll get there, Robyn."

"I...I wanted to get her a card," Robyn whispered, pulling away and shrugging her shoulders at Connie. "But I don't know if she'll appreciate it or not."

"It's a lovely idea," Connie said. "But let her settle for a bit first. Iain is visiting her later but too many visitors at once might overwhelm her a bit."

Robyn nodded faintly and a single tear rolled down the right hand side of her face. She hated the fact that she was getting so upset in front of Connie, the fact that she was actually crying. It wasn't even as if she and Lily were ever that close.

"Sorry," Robyn apologised, and shook her head. "I..."

"Hey," Connie whispered, and leaned across to rub Robyn's shoulder. "Don't be. Take a break, alright? Pop to the shop or something and choose a nice card for Lily."

"Sure." She nodded faintly. "Is she...Is she eating yet?"

There was a small moment of hesitation before Connie answered her.

"Not yet," she whispered. "These things take time though."

* * *

Lily rolled over onto her back and her eyes slowly fluttered open. She groaned and looked towards the small ray of sunlight that was peeping through the bars in the window. She glanced down at the red and white striped pyjamas, and the itchy, white, hospital socks that she was wearing. Letting out a big yawn, she rubbed at her weary eyes and pulled the duvet up to her chin. She had no idea what time it was, but she was pretty sure that it was the middle of the afternoon. She'd slept through breakfast and lunch, and she'd expected Caroline to come and drag her out of bed. After all, weren't patients supposed to be stimulated to help them recover?

She never did though.

Lily sighed deeply and rolled back onto her side, as there was a small knock on the door.

"What?" She mumbled, her eyes beginning to droop again.

"Miss Chao." It was Caroline's voice, and she soon stepped into the room. "You have a visitor."

Lily sat up in bed at that point, as Iain arrived at Caroline's side, a carrier bag in one hand. Tears stung her eyes and she managed a smile for him. He returned it and walked over to give her a hug, a hug that he'd been waiting to give for a long time.

"You came," she sobbed, digging her nails into his paramedic uniform.

"Course," he said, running his lips along her neck. "I said I would, didn't I?" He pulled back and wiped away her tears with the tip of his thumb. "Come on. Why don't we get out of here and go for a walk?"

Lily sniffed and fiddled anxiously with the sleeves of her shirt, before nodding in agreement.

They didn't talk to each other for a while, but just walked down the corridor with Lily's arm wrapped around his waist. They made their way into the communal garden and sat down on the swinging seat on the grass.

"I um...I brought you a little something," Iain said, and handed the bag out to her.

"You didn't have to do that," Lily said, slowly taking the bag from him.

"I wanted to," he said, anxiously rubbing at the back of his neck. "I hope you like it."

Lily reached into the bag and pulled out a t-shirt. She frowned in confusion and opened it up to reveal the Batman logo on the very front of it. She smiled a weary smile and tears shone her eyes, as she ran her fingers over the shirt.

"Your Batman shirt," she whispered softly.

"So you've always got a part of me in here," Iain said. "You can wear it or, put it under your pillow, or whatever you want. It's yours though, okay?"

He gently stroked her hair and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I love you," he breathed, resting his forehead against hers.

"I love you too," she said, holding the shirt up to her face and breathing in the beautiful scent of her boyfriend. "Thank you, Iain. Thank you so much."

"I'm glad you like it," Iain said and continued to stroke her hair. "How was your first night?"

"Awful." Lily shrugged. "I didn't sleep much."

"I didn't sleep much either," he sighed. "I just kept looking at the empty pillow beside me, expecting to see you there." He began to gently rub her knuckles, and his smile faded. "I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you from being sectioned?"

"You couldn't do anything about it," Lily said. "Don't blame yourself. Are you really prepared for what's to come, Iain? It can't be easy, having a relationship with someone as mental as me."

"Hey! Stop that," he said gently. "You are not mental, alright? You're going through a rough time, but you'll get help here. Have...Have you seen Alicia recently?"

Lily sadly shook her head and whispered, "No."

"That's good." Iain nodded at her, although he wasn't sure if that was really the right answer. "I really enjoy being with you."

"Even if it's on the psych ward?" Lily giggled.

"Even then," Iain chuckled, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her in for a hug. "Come here, you. I love you so much, okay? I'll visit you every day, I promise."

"I love you too, Iain," she whispered. "I feel so safe when I'm with you."

"It's okay," he said and kissed her temple. "You don't have to feel scared anymore."


	22. Chapter 22

**Bluebell140: I know, right? I kind of wish they showed that side of her more in the show, lol. Yeah, exactly. Iain is definitely what Lily needs right now.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Aww, I'm really sorry to hear that. Thank you for saying that I'm a brilliant writer though and I'm glad that you like my work. More to come.**

Chapter Twenty-Two

Lily stared at the shiny, white tablets that sat in the palm of her hand. Her stomach churned. She pursed her lips together and felt her face go a bright shade of red. She was angry, with everyone, but for some reason there weren't any words coming out of her mouth.

The first person she clocked was Connie.

"They'll help you, Lily," Connie said, obviously recognising the look from years of being a doctor. "Go on."

As well as angry, Lily also felt sad. She was determined not to cry in front of anyone though, something that she'd been doing an awful lot of lately. Lily Chao did not cry, especially not in front of an audience.

Caroline handed her a plastic cup of water, and Lily was about to take them until Caroline spoke.

"They'll stop the hallucinations," she said.

Well, those words didn't reassure Lily at all. Alicia wasn't an hallucination, but was Caroline saying that the tablets would get rid of her? She didn't want to say goodbye to Alicia. Yes, she'd been awful at the time of her section, but she was still her friend. Weren't friends supposed to forgive each other?

"No," Lily refused in a quiet whisper. "I'm not taking them."

"Lily, don't be awkward," Connie said. "You need to take them."

"No, I don't!" Lily shouted, chucking the tablets across the room. "I...I can't."

Small tears stung her eyes and Caroline drew a needle, as if she was about to sedate Lily. Connie held a hand up to her and shook her head. Yes, Lily had been sedated before but Connie didn't like the idea of knocking her out whenever she became upset or angry. In her opinion, it wasn't the correct way to handle things with her, or any patient for that matter.

"Let me talk to her," Connie whispered to Caroline, before sitting Lily on the edge of her bed and crouching down in front of her. "Sweetheart, why don't you want to take your tablets? You want to get better, don't you?"

"I'm not even sick!" Lily denied. "I...I can't take them."

"Why?" Connie asked. "Come on, speak to me."

"They'll get rid of the hallucinations," Lily choked out. "And I know what you all think. You all think that Alicia is an hallucination, so these tablets will get rid of her."

"Isn't that what you want?" Connie asked. "We've had this conversation, Lily."

"But aren't friends supposed to forgive each other?" Lily sobbed. "Shouldn't I be forgiving Alicia? I don't want to say goodbye to her."

"But...If you don't say goodbye to her, you could be in here for an awful long time," Connie told her. "And I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. I want you out, Iain wants you out, and everyone wants you well and back at work again. I know that's what you want as well, but it can't happen unless you accept treatment."

"That includes eating as well," Caroline put in.

Connie felt like slapping her for that comment. Eating was going to take time for Lily, even she knew that, and forcing her wasn't going to help. They needed to take baby steps; tablets first, and then they'd tackle the eating issue.

"Just take them," Connie encouraged Lily. "For me."

* * *

Lily couldn't sleep that night.

She wanted Alicia, but she was nowhere to be seen. She knew that she shouldn't have taken those tablets. Why had she been stupid enough to listen to Connie? She should have just stuck with her original decision.

There was a bang from outside her room.

"Alicia!" Lily sat bolt upright and scanned the room.

She was nowhere to be seen. Lily wondered what the time was, and whether it was almost time to wake up. She hoped so, as she'd then be one step closer to seeing Iain during visiting hours.

She climbed out of bed and dragged her feet over to the door. She felt dizzy again, and her legs shook beneath her. Her chest felt tight and she even struggled to find enough energy to open the door. Everything seemed so hard and even though she couldn't sleep, she felt so tired.

She somehow managed to sneak past the staff of the psych ward, as well as a screaming patient who was randomly walking up and down the corridor. She clamped her hands over her ears and headed in the direction of the ED.

She weakly climbed the stairs, feeling exhausted by the time she reached the top, and walked out onto the fire escape. It seemed so peaceful in the middle of the night, with only the stars to keep her company. She sighed heavily, gripped the railings and stared out into the distance.

She hadn't been gone for long but she wondered if anyone had noticed. Had Caroline found out during one of her middle of the night checks? Had she contacted Connie or Charlie at all?

Lily still didn't feel well and she wondered if she was on her last legs. Was she going to die and fall right over the top of the fire escape? Who would find her? What if it was Iain who found her, unconscious and lying in a pool of her own blood?

She couldn't breathe.

She stayed there for quite a while, wondering when her last day would be. She didn't want to die, and she wished more than anything that she could eat something. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she just couldn't. Every time she tried, she would hear Alicia's voice and the words that she'd said.

She needed to lose weight.

"Lily?"

Lily's head snapped towards the door of the fire escape, and she saw Connie strolling towards her through the tears that had now gathered.

"What are you doing up here?" She asked. "Come on, I need you to come downstairs."

"How did you know I was here?" Lily sobbed.

"I've been working here for a long time, Lily," Connie said. "What are you doing?"

"I...I just needed some air," Lily said, her fingers going red raw as she gripped the railings even tighter. "I like it up here. It's peaceful."

"Caroline is going out of her mind," Connie said, and went to stand beside her. "She rang me in a right panic, asking if you'd come down to the ED at all. Why did you leave your room?"

"I told you, I just needed some air," Lily practically snapped. "Look, I know what you're thinking and you don't need to worry. I'm not planning on jumping."

"Okay. Good." Connie nodded. She didn't know what to say to that. "That's good to hear. I still need you to come downstairs though. It's cold, you're not well, and you shouldn't be up here."

Connie went to move, but Lily stayed where she was. Her tears began to fall faster and Connie wondered if her sudden upset was something to do with her tablets.

"I...I can't see her anymore," Lily stuttered, her lower lip wobbling.

"Can't see who?" Connie asked, although she had a small idea.

"Alicia," Lily cried, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "She's not here."

"Because you're in early stages of recovery," Connie said. "It's a good thing."

"I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye," Lily said. "She was my only friend."

"But she wasn't though," Connie said, walking over to give her hair a stroke. "You had friends, Lily. You were just so insecure about yourself that you struggled to see it. Ethan was always a good friend to you, right? And I've had Robyn worrying about you and asking about you. You are so loved in that ED, and you don't need Alicia. You need medication and rest."

There was a pause.

"It's two o'clock in the morning, Lily," Connie said.

Lily just burst into tears and wrapped her arms around Connie's neck. Connie sighed heavily and wrapped her own arms around Lily's waist, rubbing small circles up and down her back to try and warm her up.

"Come on. It'll get better," Connie whispered and gently tugged at the Batman shirt that Lily was wearing. "What's this anyway, eh?"

"Iain gave it to me," Lily whispered, pulling away and wrapping her arms around herself. "He gave it to me so it's as if he's there with me. It's not really helping, although it is cosy and it does smell of him."

Connie nodded and gently stroked Lily's hair. "Cup of tea?" She asked. "I need to get myself home to bed soon because I am completely exhausted, but we can grab a drink before I take you back to the ward."

Lily shook her head and looked down at the floor.

"Are you sure?" Connie asked.

"I just want some company," Lily whispered.

"You can have that with a cup of tea," Connie laughed. Come on, I make a good one."

"I can't," Lily said.

She used to love a cup of tea when she was feeling upset or under the weather, but now she couldn't help but think of the calories. How many calories were there in one single cup of tea? Probably hundreds. It was a risk that she just couldn't take.

Although she didn't say anything out loud about the calories, Connie obviously clocked this.

"How about we go for a healthy option together then, black tea with lemon take your fancy?" She asked.

Lily was slightly begrudged, but touched by Connie's attentiveness and she agreed.

"Just let me contact the ward first," Connie said. "I'll take you back after our drink."

"Are you going to go home tonight then?" Lily asked, as she and Connie made their way back down the fire escape.

Honestly, she half wished that Connie was able to stay on the ward with her.

"Charlie's orders," Connie said and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "He said that I looked tired. I can't argue with him, I suppose. It has been tiring, working between here and psych."

"Sorry," Lily apologised, immediately feeling guilty for the clinical lead's exhaustion.

"Oh, no, no, no," Connie said. "Lily, that isn't what I meant at all. It's my fault, not yours. I've been doing more than I was able to, okay? Don't blame yourself, please."

"Okay," Lily whispered, leaning against her. "I'm looking forward to seeing Iain again. He said that he's visit me every day."

"I know," Connie whispered back. "You've got yourself an amazing boyfriend there, Lily."

 **So coming up, we will have more Lily and Iain scenes, a surprise visit from Ruth and Jay, and lots more drama! Thank you for everyone's support on this story so far and enjoy the update.**

 **I'm off work ill today and really wanted to update a whole bunch of my stories. Unfortunately, that didn't work out and I just spent the whole day in bed lol. I have new story ideas to post soon, my Christmas story that is now posted and needs updating, and Streets of Holby which I haven't updated in a while x**


	23. Chapter 23

**Bluebell140: You can, bless her, but hopefully she'll get better. Charlie is the dad of the ED and I love it, lol. He's always there to look out for people and help them in their times of need.**

 **Emma: That is really random lol, but I will have a think about it. Usually people can miss periods if they haven't been eating properly. Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad that you're enjoying the story.**

Chapter Twenty-Three

"Is she still not eating then?"

Caroline sadly shook her head at Iain, as the two of them stood in the doorway of the dining hall. Lily was sat in her usual seat at the table, with her head hung so that she didn't have to make eye contact with anyone. A full bowl of porridge sat in front of her. She was the only one left to eat, whilst everyone else had gone to see their visitors.

"We're going to be running some tests," Caroline informed Iain. "To try and get a diagnosis of some sort. You should know that seeing things isn't exactly normal. Whether it's Bipolar or Schizophrenia, we need to know the right sort of help to give to her."

"She doesn't have any of those things," Iain denied. "She's just insecure, so she...Made up this person to help her."

"She's still been seeing things though, hasn't she?" Caroline said. "I know that it's an upsetting thing to hear, but we're only trying to do what's best for Lily. I know you may see me as strict and scary, most of the patients here do, but I'm only trying to help and do what's best for them."

"I...I don't think that..." Iain gulped nervously, his eyes darting around the room.

"I will be talking to Lily about this as well," Caroline said. "And Mrs Beauchamp. Until we have a proper diagnosis and until she starts to eat again, then I'm afraid that she could be looking at months in a psychiatric unit."

"Am I okay to see her?" Iain asked. "Please. She clearly isn't going to eat, and it is visiting time now."

"Fine," Caroline sighed and gave Iain a nod and a smile. "Maybe you can talk some sense into her." She turned her head and sighed, before shouting, "Lily! Come and see Iain."

Lily was up and out of her seat in seconds, throwing herself straight into Iain's arms.

"It's good to see you, Chuckles," Iain said, leading her down the corridor towards her room. "And you're wearing my Batman shirt."

"I don't take it off," Lily whispered, and the two of them sat down onto the bed together. "I hate it here, Iain. They're drugging me, they got rid of Alicia, and they keep telling me to eat."

"They're not drugging you," Iain sighed. "The tablets are to help you get better."

"They're drugging me," Lily whispered. "I just want to get out."

She leaned against Iain and brought her knees up to her chest. A single tear rolled down one side of her face and landed on the mattress. Iain kept his arm wrapped around her, knowing that things can't have been easy. Lily had basically had her freedom taken away, and he'd learnt to realise that eating wasn't as easy for her as it was for other people.

"I feel dizzy," Lily sobbed, as Iain gently stroked her hair.

"Dizzy?" Iain asked, concerned for his girlfriend. "I can get you some water?"

Lily shook her head. A glass of water would have been nice, but she didn't want to be left alone. She wanted to stay there, in Iain's arms, forever.

"Well," Iain sighed, holding her close. "Just take it easy, yeah?"

Iain and Lily just sat there in silence for a few minutes, both enjoying each other's company, when there was a sudden knock on the door. Lily lifted her head from Iain's shoulder and was surprised to see Caroline and Charlie. They weren't alone though.

"This is Ruth and Jay," Charlie said, gesturing to the people who were with them. "The guys I was telling you about. I thought the two of you could have a chat with them. Are Iain and Jay okay to go somewhere, Caroline?"

"That shouldn't be a problem," Caroline said. "They can always go outside."

"Can't they stay in here?" Lily asked, linking arms with Iain.

"I um..." Ruth was the one to speak. "I think Charlie just wants you to both have seperate conversations, so that you feel able to say what's on your mind. He'll be back though."

"She's right. I will be," Iain said, cupping Lily's face in her hands and giving her forehead a kiss. "I promise. You stay here with Charlie and Ruth, and I'm going to go and spend some boy time with Jay. Just talk to her, alright? She's been in the same boat as you."

"You don't even know him, Iain," Lily said. "Are you going to talk to him about me? Am I that difficult?"

"No, Chuckles," Iain whispered, feeling tears in his eyes. "No. You need to understand that it's hard on me as well though, seeing you in here, and I just need a chat myself sometimes. Jay's been in my situation, just like Ruth has been in yours. It'll help us both."

He gave her another kiss and stood up from the bed, shooting Charlie a thankful smile.

"Keep an eye on her," he whispered in his ear. "She's been feeling dizzy."

Charlie glanced down at Lily and gave Iain a promising nod, as he left the room with Jay in tow.

"Feels kind of scary first time, huh?" Ruth said, taking Iain's place beside Lily. "Can't say I was the most easiest patient. Charlie and Jay both deserve a medal for putting up with me."

"Lily hasn't been on the ward for long," Charlie said, eyeing up Lily who was purposely looking away from Ruth. "Have you? I'm sure you'll get used to it."

"It sounds mad, but being in here made me realise a lot of things," Ruth said. "I was unwell for a while, but I never even knew, until I got a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and came here. You may hate it at first, but things do get easier and the sooner you start to accept help, then the sooner you'll be out."

"How long were you in here for?" Lily eventually spoke, her voice quiet, and her eyes on the floor.

"A while," Ruth said. "It was a long time ago, but I remember being in here for a while. Like I said though, I wasn't the easiest to begin with. I lashed out at staff, refused to take my pills, and I even escaped from the ward at one point."

"Sounds familiar," Charlie joked.

"Charlie's told me a lot about you," Ruth said. "We seem to have a lot in common and I think we would have been friends, if we'd both been working here at the same time. We're both as stubborn as each other."

Lily nodded faintly and asked quietly, "How did Jay cope?"

"Not well," Ruth sighed. "But things got better, for the both of us. Jay has learnt to deal with it, just like I have. At the end of the day, I will always have this illness and I've had to make a lot of hard decisions. When I found out that I was pregnant for example, I needed to come off the pills and that wasn't an easy decision to make."

Lily felt tears sting her eyes but she quickly wiped them away with her shirt sleeves.

"Iain will be fine," Ruth said. "But like you, he needs help and support. It's normal for him to worry because he loves you, so don't get upset and blame yourself if he wants to chat about his concerns."

"During Ruth's section, Jay had quite a few chats with me," Charlie said. "Iain has friends and I know that you have people that you can talk to and trust, but Ruth and Jay have both been in this situation."

"I know," Lily said, looking between Charlie and Ruth. "Thank you. I just...I hate it so much in here, and I really do want to eat so that I can get better but I can't."

"Yeah?" Ruth asked. "What's stopping you?"

Lily glanced towards her with an anxious stare, and more tears started to escape her shiny, brown eyes. She only managed to choke out one word, before bursting into floods of tears.

"Voices."

Ruth sighed solemnly and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a small piece of paper and handed it to Lily.

"Here," she said kindly. "It's my mobile number. If you ever need a chat, just get one of the nurses to dial and you can speak to me."

* * *

"How are you coping then, mate?" Jay asked, as he and Iain strolled into the garden of the ward. "I know it's not easy, seeing the person you love locked up in here. It really helped Ruth though."

"Well, how did you deal with it?" He asked.

"I don't know." Jay shrugged his shoulders awkwardly and ran a hand through his hair. "I talked to people. Charlie was a lot of help, but I also visited Ruth whenever I could. She's doing loads better now."

"Yeah?" Iain asked, seriously wondering if Lily would ever get better.

"Loads," Jay reassured him. "She still has the odd episode but the medication really helps. It's not nice, for either of us, that she's going to be on medication for the rest of her life. If it helps her get better though, then it's worth it."

"I'm trying to stay positive," Iain said. "I'm trying to put on a brave face for her, but it's hard."

"You need the help as well," Jay said. "And there's nothing wrong with admitting that either. Things are going to be just as hard on you."

"She's still talking about Alicia," Iain told him. "Even though we've told her that she's not real and she's refusing to eat."

"It's not her fault though, is it?" Jay asked. "That's what you need to remember. Yes, I...I suppose people have a choice when it comes to eating and you could argue that fact, but anorexia isn't like that. It's like there's a voice, telling her that she needs to lose weight."

"Alicia," Iain muttered under his breath.

He had no idea that it was possible to hate someone who didn't even exist. He hated Alicia so much though for what she'd done to Lily, and part of him wished that she was real just so he could have a word with her.

"Has she been diagnosed with anything?" Jay asked.

"No." Iain shook his head. "Not yet anyway."

"This might sound strange, but it was kind of a relief when Ruth got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder," Jay said. "Mainly because it just explained her behaviour so much. Once she had a diagnosis, it was as if we could finally move on with our lives and put the bad stuff behind us."

"You have a kid now, right?" Iain asked.

"We're also married now as well," Jay said. "See? Life is still possible."

"I'd love to marry Lily," Iain whispered. It was the first time that he'd ever admitted that. "I'd love to be a dad some day."

"And that can still happen," Jay comforted him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "If you just believe."

 **So this chapter was hard to write, not because of the tough subject, but because I'm not used to writing for Ruth and Jay. I've watched Ruth's Bipolar storyline and it is one of my favourites but I've never written for her, and I don't know much about Jay. In my opinion, they were both quite out of character lol.**

 **I hope you still enjoyed it though x**


	24. Chapter 24

**casualtyfics111: Thank you so much. I try to add as much emotion as possible. If you liked that line, I think you'll like this chapter. That's okay and I hope everything is good with you. Thanks for reviewing.**

 **Bluebell140: Me too. Ruth is definitely one of my favourite past characters. Thanks, once again, for a lovely review. Enjoy the update.**

Chapter Twenty-Four

A week passed and Lily wasn't getting any better.

Connie was spending a morning in psych, and it saddened her to see Lily going downhill rapidly. She thought that psych would help and although Lily was quite happily taking her tablets now, she still wasn't eating.

"Arms up," Connie ordered, as she held Lily's t-shirt in her hands.

The young doctor hardly had any energy. A task as simple as getting showered and dressed proved to be too much for her.

"Now, I would like you to try a little something at breakfast this morning," Connie whispered.

Lily shook her head, as Connie slipped the shirt over her head.

"Please," Connie pleaded with her. "I know it's hard, but we need you to try and eat on your own or we are going to have to take a more serious approach. Do you need to use the bathroom first?"

"I've been," Lily mumbled, her tired eyes on the floor. "I'm late."

"What do you mean?" Connie asked. "Late for what?"

"No," Lily sighed. "My period is late. I was due about a week ago."

"Okay." Connie nodded at her. "Not pregnant, are you?"

"No." Lily actually smiled at that. "No chance. Iain and I haven't had sex in a long time and I was on the pill when we did."

"Too much information," Connie laughed. "I don't want to hear about your sex life. You know why you're late anyway, don't you?"

A pause.

"Because you're not eating and it's ruining your body," Connie said.

She sounded close to tears and it scared Lily. She didn't mean to upset everyone, but she couldn't possibly stand the thought of shovelling food into her mouth.

"Let's go, eh?" Connie sighed, gently hugging Lily whilst helping her to stand up.

Connie had to go with Lily to retrieve her tablets from one of the nurses first. She stayed with her and made sure that she'd swallowed them properly, before walking her into the dining hall. Lily sat in her usual seat, away from the other patients, and Connie sat beside her.

"How's the ED?" Lily whispered, as they waited for breakfast to be served.

"Falling apart without you," Connie joked. "No, it's going well. It's just busy."

"No one has come to visit," Lily whispered.

"They will," Connie sighed. "Robyn even has a get well card for you. I just didn't think you'd want them all to see you like this, not yet anyway."

Lily shrugged her shoulders, as Caroline wandered over with a bowl of cereal for Lily. Lily immediately tensed up and began to panic as the bowl was slammed down in front of her.

"You don't have to eat it all," Caroline said. "But try a little bit for us, okay?"

Lily shook her head and backed away from them, her whole body shaking. Connie grabbed her arm and gave her back a gentle rub, letting her know that everything was going to be okay. It was horrible. Even the sight of food terrified her.

"Just try a bit," Connie said, shovelling some cornflakes onto the spoon and holding it out for Lily. "Please darling, we just want you to get better."

"I can't," Lily whispered.

"One spoonful," Connie said, glancing across at Caroline.

Lily shakily took hold of the spoon and examined the cereal carefully. Connie could see the cogs whirling around in her head and saw that she was silently counting the calories that were in each cornflake. Slowly, Lily placed the spoon into her mouth and began to chew. She anxiously fiddled on the sleeves of her jacket and swallowed the cereal.

"Well done," Connie praised and gave her back another rub.

Tears stung Lily's eyes and she slowly and shakily dropped the spoon into the bowl. What on earth had she done? She'd failed herself. She shook her head, grabbed Connie's hand and turned her head before throwing up all over the floor.

Caroline sighed, whilst everyone else grimaced and continued to talk amongst themselves. Connie didn't see what the big deal was. She was almost certain that it wasn't the first time a patient had vomited in front of everyone.

"Lily!" Connie yelled, but it was more concern than anger.

"I'm sorry!" Lily sobbed. "I couldn't do it! It's too much."

"Okay, it's okay," Connie comforted her. "Don't cry."

She whipped a tissue out of her pocket and began to wipe around Lily's mouth. Caroline stood up and began to clear Lily's breakfast things away in silence, clearly annoyed but choosing not to say anything.

"I want to go back to my room," Lily cried, collapsing weakly against Connie.

"Alright," Connie sighed, giving her a hug. "Come on."

* * *

Iain visited later on.

Lily was in her room with her back against the wall and her knees to her chest. She seemed pleased to see him and immediately held her arms out for a hug.

"Connie told me what happened," he said and sat down next to her. "Are you okay now?"

"I just couldn't do it, Iain," she whispered and rested her chin on top of her knees. "All those calories swimming around inside my mouth, the thought of it made me feel sick."

"At least you tried," he said. "I'm proud of you."

"It wasn't good enough though, was it?" She spat. "I want to get better. I wan to get out of here."

"And you will," he said. "Why don't you socialise with some of the other patients a bit though? There must be someone who seems nice."

Lily shrugged and whispered, "There's this woman called Becky. She seems nice."

"Great!" Iain said. "And this Becky, is...Is she real?"

"What?" Lily whipped her head round to look at him. "You think I'm crazy, don't you? Because of what happened with Alicia, you think I'm crazy."

"No. No, I don't think that," Iain defended. "I was just checking."

"They want me to see a psychiatrist, you know?" Lily told him. "Tomorrow."

"Well, maybe that will help," Iain said. "I'm not saying you're crazy, Lily. I'm sorry, okay?"

"Are you kidding?" Lily scoffed. "I must be, or I wouldn't have ended up in here. I just didn't think that you'd think I was crazy. Besides, who would want a crazy girlfriend?"

"I would." Iain didn't even have to hesitate. "Because I think that they're a lot more fun. I don't care what you are Lily. I love you."

A small and weary smile spread across Lily's face. She didn't know what to say.

"I don't actually have a ring," Iain whispered, anxiety filling him up quickly. "But will you marry me, Lily?"

He watched as her expression slowly changed.

"I'm serious," he said. "I love you so much and when you get out of here, I would like us to move in together and get married. So, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

"Iain," Lily sobbed out and managed to slowly nod her head. "Yes. Of course I'll marry you."

 **This chapter just ended up going in a completely different direction. Like, I hadn't planned for Iain to propose but it seemed right, especially after the conversation he'd had with Jay.**

 **I hope you liked it x**


	25. Chapter 25

**Bluebell140: Me too! I love a good Lily and Iain wedding.**

 **littlej23: That's true to be honest, thank you. Let's hope she does start to make some progress, now that Iain has proposed. I'm glad you liked the chapter and the Ruth and Jay chapter, and I'm glad you're still enjoying the story. More to come.**

Chapter Twenty-Five

Iain couldn't stop smiling.

He honestly didn't think Lily would say yes to him, and he was so pleased that she had done. He couldn't believe it. They were going to get married. Proposing had been one of the most terrifying experiences of his life, but he was glad that he'd managed it.

He was in the middle of bouncing the ball around the ambulance station, reminiscing on the times when he and Jez used to play a game of one on one during their breaks. He had to admit that he missed Jez. He may not have been the hardest of working, but he'd been good fun.

"So, this is what you do at work then?"

The female voice frightened him and he glanced over his shoulder to see a very familiar face standing in the entance.

Sam Nicholls.

"Look what the cat dragged in," he greeted his ex and looked her up and down to check if it was definitely her. "What are you doing here?"

"I work here now," she said.

"Seriously?" His eyes widened in shock, and he let out a loud groan. "Why? What did I ever do to deserve that?"

"I'm going to be a paramedic," she said. "So you better get used to seeing an awful lot of me."

"You're a paramedic?" He asked and narrowed his eyes at her. "Bit of a step down, isn't it?"

"I fancied a change." She shrugged her shoulders and strolled over to him. "The green suits you."

"What are you really doing here, Sam?" He asked. "It's been a while, hasn't it? I have a lot of stuff going on right now, so don't play jokes for crying out loud."

"I work here!" Sam laughed. "Don't you think that we're both mature enough to put the past behind us?"

Iain shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, you came on a bad day. I have to head off in an hour or so, and I'm not sure what time I'll be back."

"Well, it's not like I need a tour or anything," she scoffed. "I think you're forgetting that I used to work here, Iain. I'll be fine."

"As a doctor," Iain reminded her. "Not as a paramedic. I can get one of the other paramedics to work with you, but I won't be here for a good couple of hours. I um...I have to go and see Lily. You probably know her from your old days as a doctor. Lily Chao?"

"I remember her," Sam sighed. "How is she?"

"Yeah..." Iain trailed off slowly. He couldn't tell Sam that Lily was currently in a psychiatric ward. It was none of her business for one thing. "She's good. We um...We're together now actually, engaged I should say."

"Wow." Sam seemed quite surprised and she snatched the ball away from him. "Congratulations!"

Iain just blushed and gave an awkward nod. "Thanks," he whispered softly.

* * *

"So Lily, do you know why you've come to see me today?" Steve Barrett said, as he sat in a secluded room opposite Lily. "Caroline has told me a lot about you and I want you to know that she just wants to help you get better."

Steve was an elderly man with a small beard. He was one of the main psychiatrists on the ward, and although Lily had heard how nice he was, she still felt nervous about talking to him.

"Course I know," Lily spat and folded her arms across her stomach. "I want to get better."

"Of course you do, of course," Steve said. "I know and I understand that. This isn't something that will go away overnight, but you have a lot of people worrying over you right now."

Lily nodded faintly and looked down at the floor. She knew how much people were worrying, and it killed her inside. She didn't need to be reminded of that fact. She slowly lifted her head and saw that Steve was looking at her with his head on one side, as if he was some kind of dog.

"Just talk to me, Lily," he encouraged with a small sigh. "Tell me, what's going on with you?"

"Not much." Lily shrugged. "I'm in here, aren't I? The doctors are trying to get me a diagnosis for my um...My hallucinations, but they haven't got that far. There's nothing wrong with me though."

"So, you still think that Alicia is real?" He asked.

"Honestly, I don't know," Lily answered. She sighed and a small tear rolled down her cheek. "I guess not."

"And what makes you say that?" Steve asked. "Because for a long time, you obviously thought that this Alicia was real and she obviously meant a lot to you. So, what's changed that do you think?"

"A lot of things, I guess," Lily said. "Connie and Iain are supposed to be people that I can trust, especially Iain, so why would they lie to me? Also, I've started taking medication and...I haven't seen Alicia since."

"I see." Steve nodded to show that he understood, and chewed on the end of his pen. "And does that upset you?"

Lily nodded.

"She felt real," Lily whispered. "There's nothing wrong with me though. I just...I needed a friend to help me feel better about myself, and that's what Alicia did."

"So, she was sort of an imaginary friend?" He asked.

"No!" Lily defended, her voice loud but scared. "I'm not a child. I just wanted to feel good about myself."

"And did Alicia make you feel good about yourself?" He asked.

Lily hesitated as she tried to think of an answer. Was it a trick question? She wasn't sure.

"At first she did," she eventually whispered after a long moment of silence. She was thankful for Steve's patience. "But then, she made me feel worse."

* * *

"I can't believe that you two are getting married," Robyn gushed, as they all gathered in Lily's room. "I'm so happy for you," she said and pulled Lily in for a tight but gentle squeeze.

She couldn't believe how much weight she'd lost, and it felt as if she was about to break in her arms. How had someone so strong and confident become so low in themselves? She hated it and she had to fight to hold back her tears.

"I got you this," she said to try and change the subject, and handed Lily a card and a scrapbook that she'd been working on.

Lily smiled thankfully and wiped a small tear from her eye. She opened the card and saw that everybody in the ED had signed it, and when she opened the scrapbook she saw that it had been filled of lovely messages and photos of all of her colleagues.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"You're um...You're looking well, Lily," Ethan stated.

Honestly, he felt uncomfortable seeing his best friend in such a bad way, and the amount of weight that she'd lost was very noticeable. He felt as if he needed to say something though and Connie had already mentioned Lily's session, and how it hadn't been the best of days for her. He wished that he could do something to help.

"Look on the bright side," Cal said. "You don't have to work, do you?"

"Actually," Lily sighed, as she continued to focus her attention on the scrapbook. "I want to work."

"And you'll be back at work in no time," Iain comforted, taking a seat beside her on the bed. "Can I have a look at the book?"

Lily nodded and handed it over to him. Iain kissed her cheek and began to flick through, taking in every page.

"It's a lovely book," Lily said to Robyn. "Thank you, and thank you all for coming to see me. It gets kind of lonely in here sometimes, so it means a lot. Thank you." She leaned her head against Iain and said, "I'm really tired."

"I know," Iain sighed and wrapped an arm around Lily's shoulder.

"We can go, Lily," Ethan offered, gesturing to the door. "If you're tired, then..."

"No." Lily shook her head and shot him a reassuring smile. "I like the company. I hate to admit it, but I've missed you guys."

"We've missed you too," Robyn said and leaned across to give Lily's arm a comforting rub. "Work just isn't the same without you. Stay strong though, yeah? When you're out, we'll go out for a drink or something to celebrate."

Lily managed a small nod. She didn't want to decline the offer just yet and hurt Robyn's feelings.

"How did your appointment go anyway?" Iain asked.

"Good, thank you," Lily said. "We just talked about everything. I'm seeing him again this week."

"Good," Iain said. "I'm proud of you for going. I know how scared you were feeling, but it's going to help you a lot in the longrun. If he's nice and if you trust him, then that's even better."

Lily didn't appear to be listening though. Her face was pale and her eyes were bloodshot, and Iain just had his arms wrapped protectively around her tiny body. He continued to flick through the scrapbook and gave his colleagues a thankful smile over Lily's head.

He was pleased that she had so much support around her.

She deserved it.

 **So, Sam has turned up! However, Lily doesn't know yet. Also, the rest of the ED staff managed to visit her which I enjoyed writing. It's nice to see her colleagues looking out for her.**

 **I hope you liked the chapter x**


	26. Chapter 26

**Giatrix: She isn't unfortunately. Poor Lily, things just keep getting worse for her. Thank you so much and hope everything is okay with you.**

 **Bluebell140: I do like supportive and lovely Sam. Some drama in this chapter, so enjoy.**

Chapter Twenty-Six

Days passed and Iain was surprised at how well he was getting along with Sam.

He'd been worried at first, considering that the two of them had history together, and he wasn't sure whether her feelings for him were still there. Things were fine though and Sam seemed to accept the fact that Iain was engaged and happy.

"Iain. Do you mind if I ask you a question?" Sam asked, as the two of them drove down the street in the ambulance.

"Go ahead," Iain sighed, indicating to turn right. "As long as it's not the question, where do babies come from?"

"Haha, so funny!" Sam spat sarcastically and slapped his shoulder.

"Hey, hey!" He scolded. "I'm driving! Go on, what was it that you needed to ask me?"

"I'm not sticking my nose in or anything," Sam sighed. "But does Lily even work at Holby anymore? I'm just wondering because I haven't seen her around, and you don't actually talk about her that much. No one does."

Iain returned the sigh and kept his eyes on the road. He knew that Sam would probably end up finding the truth eventually, but having to tell people that Lily was currently on a psychiatric ward was still upsetting for him. Also, there weren't many people in the world who'd understand.

"It's complicated," he said. "Lily is um...Well...She's on the psychiatric ward."

"Seriously?" Sam raised her eyebrows and she seemed at a loss for words. "Bless her. Do you mind me asking what happened?"

"You might as well know," Iain sighed. "Everybody else in the ED does. She just wasn't right; her behaviour was changing rapidly, she wasn't eating, and she was withdrawing herself from everyone including me. Basically, it soon came out that she'd been hanging out with this girl called Alicia, but Alicia wasn't real. She's on medication to stop the hallucinations but she still isn't eating."

"Has she been diagnosed with anything?" Sam questioned.

Iain shook his head. "Well, anorexia," he answered. "But that's it. None of us know why she'd been seeing things, but it could just be the fact that Lily was just insecure about herself and having someone like Alicia made her feel better."

"I see," Sam whispered and hung her head. "So, how do you feel about everything?"

"I don't know to be honest," Iain said. "I love Lily, or I wouldn't have proposed to her. It upsets me though to see her in there, and I struggle to understand why she has so many body image issues because I obviously think she's beautiful. If I say that to her though, she disagrees and accuses me of lying. It...It can just be difficult to maintain a relationship like that. Don't get me wrong though, I love her, I always will, and I'm not going to hurt her in any way."

"Maybe you should talk to someone," Sam said.

"Mrs Beauchamp said the same thing," Iain said. "I have no idea what I'd say though. I guess I just feel bad because I always thought that it was Lily's fault, but it isn't, is it? Like, part of me kept thinking why the hell won't you just eat something?!"

"Anorexia is one of those illnesses where people think it can be controlled by the person," Sam informed him. "Obviously it can't though, and it is not Lily's fault in any way. She'll get better, Iain. I'm sure."

"Yeah," Iain sighed and gave Sam a faint nod. "I hope so."

"I'm here if you need to talk to someone, you know?" Sam said. "I mean that."

"Thanks, Sam," Iain whispered and gave her a kind smile. "That means a lot."

* * *

"It's good to see you in the ED for a change," Zoe said, as Connie strolled into reception. "You look exhausted though. Is everything okay?"

She could see that Connie didn't quite look like herself though. Her hair was tied up in a messy ponytail, her blouse was creased, she looked as if she'd been crying, and there were bags sitting neatly under her eyes.

"I'm fine," Connie sighed, brushing some hair out of her face. "Lily just doesn't seem to be getting any better, that's all."

"What's happened?" Zoe asked, dropping everything so that she could focus her full attention on Connie.

"Her mood swings are extremely severe and Caroline can't actually deal with them," Connie said, shaking her head in disbelief and running a hand through her messy hair. "But she still isn't eating either. We're going to have to put her on a drip or something, because this can't carry on."

"I really didn't want it to get that far, Connie," Zoe whispered.

"None of us did," Connie practically snapped, but soon noticed the hurt look on Zoe's face. "I'm sorry," she quickly apologised.

"It's fine," Zoe said, keeping her voice low in case anyone seemed to be listening. "Maybe you should go home though."

"I can't!" Connie raised her voice again, and more than one head turned to stare at the two of them. "Lily has been in a bad mood all day, so I'm bound to be getting a phone call from psych at some point."

"Then either myself or Charlie will go up there," Zoe said. "But you're exhausted, Connie. You have the ED to run as well, and you're barely giving yourself time to sleep. If there is a real problem, then we can contact you at home, but I'm sure the two of us can handle it between us."

"I just don't want to throw it all on other people," Connie whispered. "You and Charlie are needed here, so I can't have you two feeling drained as well."

"Well, maybe Caroline needs to be more assertive with Lily then," Zoe said. "I know that she can be difficult but in that job, she's going to come across difficult patients. She shouldn't have taken that career path in the first place if she couldn't handle it."

"Do you want to tell her that?" Connie muttered under her breath.

"Mrs Beauchamp!" Noel called from the desk and gestured to the phone in his hands. "I have psych wanting to speak to you. They say it's urgent."

"What was I saying?" Connie said to Zoe with a sigh, and strolled across to the reception desk. "Thank you, Noel." She took the phone and held it to her ear. "Mrs Beauchamp speaking."

Everything went quiet and Zoe could somehow sense that there was something wrong. She turned to look at Connie who had her head hung over the desk, as she listened to what the person on the other line had to say. The state of Connie, the silence that had filled the air so quickly and the fact that Lily had already been having a bad day. Panic washed over her and as Connie slowly made eye contact with her, Zoe just shook her head sadly.

She needed to know what had happened.

"Is she breathing?" The clinical lead asked in a small, teary voice.

The worst question that could ever be heard. Zoe closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, her mind immediately wandering to Iain. He was on a call-out with Sam but was he aware that something had happened to his fiancee? Was he on his way back?

"Okay," Connie exhaled deeply and held a hand to her face. "I'll be right there."

She sniffed and hung up the phone, tears escaping her eyes before she could even stop them.

"What's happened to her?" Zoe questioned straight away, desperate for Connie to tell her.

"I need to head up to psych," Connie said, her tears falling faster than ever. "Lily's collapsed."

 **Cliffhanger! I've had this chapter planned for a long time, so I was desperate to write and post. I apologise that it's a bit of a shorter chapter but I hope you all enjoyed it, and I will try my very best to update the story soon. Let me know what you think x**


	27. Chapter 27

**Bluebell140: You'll see what happens with Lily in this chapter. Enjoy!**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you so much. I'm really sorry to hear that but I hope you're feeling better. Enjoy the update.**

 ** _Warning: This chapter is quite emotional and could be a difficult read for some people._ **

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Iain and Sam had just returned from a call-out and were working together to give the ambulance a tidy. It had been a busy day at the ED so Iain was expecting another call-out at any minute. Sam seemed to be settling into her new job role as a paramedic and Iain felt slightly better after talking with her about Lily. It was nice to have someone there to talk to when things got rough, and Sam seemed more than happy to be that person.

"Do you want to come to the pub after work?" Sam asked him.

"I'll have to see," Iain sighed. "I might go and visit Lily again."

"That's not healthy for you, Iain," Sam said, picking up the basketball and tossing it to him. "I know you love her and that you care about her, but you need to try and take some time for yourself."

"Lily needs me," Iain said.

"But you've been going every day," Sam said. "I'm not being mean, Iain. I'm just trying to look out for a friend. Lily won't mind if you take a night off."

Iain was about to say something when Cal came rushing into the ambulance station. There was something about him that both caused Iain and Sam to panic. He looked terrified and he was sweating as well.

"What's happened?" Iain questioned him.

"You need to come to resus," Cal panted. "It's Lily."

* * *

"We need to start chest compressions straight away, please!" Connie ordered loudly, as they wheeled Lily straight into resus.

Time seemed to stand still. Every single doctor and nurse filled the room, the majority of them in tears at the awful sight of their colleague. Zoe sent Robyn and Ethan out of resus, both good friends of Lily who clearly weren't able to handle it, and got straight to helping Connie and Charlie.

Lily just lay on the bed, unconscious, silent and small. She made no sign of movement and all three of them wondered if they'd actually lost her. Louise hurried in to help and Zoe began with the chest compressions straight away.

"Has Iain been contacted?" Louise asked.

Connie managed a small nod as she watched Zoe's hands go up and down gently on Lily's chest. Charlie went and stood next to Connie, knowing that she was probably feeling more upset than any of them.

The doors to resus flew open and Connie turned her head to see Cal burst in with close behind him.

"Lily!" Iain yelled, running straight over to the bed.

Charlie blocked his path and grabbed his arms so that Zoe was able to do her job.

"What happened to her?" Iain asked. "Why the hell are you doing CPR?"

"Calm down, Iain," Charlie spoke gently to the paramedic. "We'll help her, okay? She collapsed in psych and her heart has stopped, but we will help her."

"What do you mean?" Iain asked, tears rolling down his cheeks. "She...She was fine the other day."

"I know but she isn't breathing!" Charlie tried his best to calm him down, but it was proving to be quite difficult.

He could understand why though. Iain was scared, everyone was.

Iain pushed Charlie away from him and ran his hands down his face, as he watched Zoe and Connie work frantically to revive the woman he loved. He couldn't possibly lose her. How on earth had he allowed things to get so bad with her?

"We need to shock," Connie said. "Is everybody clear?"

"Clear."

"Shocking."

Iain looked towards the monitor hopefully, and shook his head.

Nothing.

"Still in VT," Connie sighed, shaking her head at the monitor.

She couldn't believe what was happening.

"I'll take over," Cal offered, allowing Zoe to step to one side.

Zoe gave him a thankful smile and a pat on the back, as Cal continued the chest compressions. Everyone watched, scared and upset from what they were seeing. Iain allowed his tears to fall and glanced towards the window to see that Sam was looking in at them.

Time passed slowly.

They shocked again, but still nothing. Cal continued the chest compressions.

"Do you need a break, Doctor Knight?" Connie asked, but Cal was determined and he just shook his head in silence. "Come on, Lily," Connie whispered, the tears stinging her eyes. "Don't leave us, eh?"

Zoe looked towards the clinical lead with sad eyes, and Iain leaned against Charlie in floods of tears. They continued with the chest compressions and the shocking, Connie soon deciding to take over because of how exhausted Cal had become.

"Maybe we should stop," Charlie soon spoke.

They'd been going for over five minutes, and Lily hadn't made any signs of life. It broke his heart to say those words but in all his years of nursing, he'd learnt to know when it was time to give up.

"No!" Iain's screams echoed throughout resus and he jumped back from Charlie. "We can't give up on her, Charlie! She's our friend, isn't she? She's our colleague! I need her, alright?"

"Iain's right," Connie gasped. "I'm not giving up on her, not yet."

"Connie, we've been going for long enough," Zoe sighed. "Maybe Charlie's right. Maybe it's just her time to go."

"No!" Connie cried, her head hands on Lily's chest and her head hung over Lily's body. "I will carry on for another hour if I have to! We are not losing her, not today, not ever!"

Charlie and Zoe exchanged glances, before looking towards Iain and Connie. Lily was like a daughter to Connie, the two of them had such a close and special bond, and Lily and Iain were supposed to be getting married. They cared for Lily as well, but Iain and Connie were another story. She had to survive, for them.

"One more go?" Charlie asked and gave Connie a comforting smile. "But we're going to have to stop then, Connie. It isn't doing Lily any good."

Connie sniffed and wiped her tears on her shirt sleeve. She looked down at Lily and thought about how peaceful she looked, for the first time in ages. For a second, she wondered if leaving her to die was the better option. She'd been suffering for so long.

But then she saw the look on Iain's face and she knew that she had to try again, not just for her but for him. He was giving her pleading eyes, and his tears just kept falling. He wasn't ready to let her go. Truthfully, he'd never be ready.

She had to try again.

"Okay," she whispered, nodding faintly. "Once more."

"Do you want me to do it?" Zoe offered.

"No, I have to do this," Connie said, managing a small smile for her. "For Lily."

"Come on, Lily," Iain cried, as Zoe went to give his hand a gentle squeeze. "I need you."

"She'll be okay," Zoe whispered to him, even though she was certain that Lily was already gone. "Just pray for her, yeah?"

Iain nodded, and watched as Connie continued chest compressions with shaking hands. Resus went silent. Charlie cleared his throat and stood on the other side to try and offer Connie some support and encouragment, and Cal stood back to be with Iain and Zoe. They all knew that one more time wasn't going to work.

Lily was already gone.

"Come on, Lily," Connie cried. "We need you, hmm? Please...Please don't leave us. Who...Who else is going to keep everyone else in line? You have so much love and support in this department, more than you ever even realised. Don't go."

"Okay. Is everybody clear?" Cal asked.

Connie stepped back and everyone nodded in unison.

Cal took a deep breath and nodded back. His finger shook. A single tear rolled down one cheek. The ticking of the clock was heard in the background. The monitor beeped. He shocked.

Immediately, the beeping changed and small smiles filled the room, their sad tears turning to happy ones.

"She's back in sinus," Cal remarked. "I can't believe it."

"Seriously?" Iain was still crying, as he moved towards Lily's bed. "She's okay?"

He looked to Connie who gave him a happy but alarmed nod. She honestly wasn't sure if they were going to save Lily or not, after so long of not being able to. Her eyes remained closed, but she was breathing again and that was the important thing.

"She's okay," Connie repeated his words and placed a comforting hand on Lily's forehead. "Guess it wasn't her time to go after all. Can we get a room prepped for her, please?"

 **That was an incredibly hard chapter to write and even after loads of research, I still don't think it turned out right. I hope it was okay and that you all liked it. Please let me know what you think x**


	28. Chapter 28

**Bluebell140: You're very welcome. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Enjoy the update.**

Chapter Twenty-Eight

 _"Lily. It's me. Wake up."_

 _Lily let out a small groan and rolled onto her side to see that Alicia was sitting directly in front of her. The registrar gasped and sat bolt upright in bed to try and figure out where she was. The entire room was white, there was no windows or door, and the only objects in the room were the bed and the chair. Lily was alone, with Alicia._

 _"You're back," Lily whispered, blinking twice to check whether or not Alicia was in fact real._

 _"I missed you," Alicia said._

 _"Am...Am I dead?" Lily asked, looking around frantically for any sign of Iain or Connie._

 _"No," Alicia sighed and shook her head. "Connie managed to save you. You are dreaming though."_

 _"So it's all true?" Lily gulped to hold back the tears. "You're not real. Of course you're not! You left me as soon as I started taking medication, you turn up in a dream and as soon as I wake up, you'll just leave me again! Just go away, Alicia!"_

 _"I've been a good friend to you!" Alicia shouted._

 _"I could have died! Because of you!" Lily yelled in tears. "I have to wake up! I have to wake up!"_

 _"You wanted to die!" Alicia screamed. "You brought all this on yourself!"_

 _"No I didn't!" Lily screamed back. "I didn't want to die! I just wanted to lose some weight, and I still do!" Her screams turned to quiet sobs and she held her hands to her face. "But...In a healthy way."_

 _"What are you saying?" Alicia scoffed._

 _"I'm saying that I need to let you go," Lily cried. "I need to do this on my own! I...I need to eat."_

 _"You can't eat!" Alicia shouted. "Because believe it or not Lily, even if you eat healthily, you will still gain weight! You will never look like me! You are making the biggest mistake of your life and I know that you will regret it!"_

 _Lily just screamed and threw her head down into the pillow. There was the sound of glass shattering and her screams continued to echo throughout the room. Alicia was still there but she then began to slowly fade away into the light._

 _Soon, she was nothing._

"Lily! Lily! Wake up!"

Lily's screams continued to echo throughout the hospital room. Her eyes immediately snapped open at the sound of a man's voice and she turned her head to see Iain sitting in the spot where Alicia once sat. The door flung open and Connie rushed into the room. Wait. The door. The door was back, so were the windows, and so was everything else as well. Iain gently took her hand in his and she flinched at his cold touch. He was real.

"It's me," he spoke softly. "You're okay. It was just a dream."

"Wh...Where am I?" She stuttered, confused.

Looking towards Connie, she noticed the IV that she was hooked up to and she completely freaked out.

"No!" She cried. "Please! Get it off, Mrs Beauchamp! I...I don't need it."

Iain felt tears sting his eyes, as he realised how scared Lily was. He was scared too though, and so was Connie. She'd almost died and they really didn't want to lose her. She'd spent ages, starving herself, exercising, making herself throw up, and it had almost lead to that. They couldn't have it happen to her again.

"Calm down," Connie whispered and gave her hair a stroke. "Take a breath and calm down. Come on." She gently took hold of Lily's hand and waited until her tears subsided. "This is for your own good, alright? It's just for a little while until your body is strong enough again."

"I...I really want to eat," Lily cried. "And I...I told Alicia I would, but I'm so scared."

"Alicia?" Connie asked.

Lily nodded faintly and swallowed back the lump in her throat. "I...I saw her again, when I was asleep. She kept telling me that I'd still gain weight, whatever I do, and I...I told her that I want to eat. I...I don't know if I can though."

"Which is why we've had to do this," Connie whispered, as she continued to give her hair a gentle stroke. "We're not expecting you to get better straight away because anorexia just isn't that easy, but we want you to, and for that to happen you need to have something in your system."

There was a pause and Lily looked back to Iain, who was sat there in silence and starting to cry.

"You almost died today," Connie said. "I thought we were going to lose you. You're extremely thin at the moment Lily and I know that you don't see that, but we do." There was a pause and Connie sighed, knowing that Lily was exhausted and that she probably wanted some alone time with Iain. "Get some rest," she whispered. "I'll come and check on you in a little while and we can talk more then."

* * *

"I'm really sorry. Maybe there was something more that we could have done," Caroline said, when Connie went to visit the psych ward later that day. "She wouldn't eat a single thing and she'd only just started accepting her medication."

"There was nothing that any of us could have done," Connie sighed, small tears in her eyes. "I just didn't think Lily had become this bad, but maybe I was focusing more on the fact that she was seeing things."

"Speaking of which," Caroline sighed. "After various tests being run on Lily, there is no sign of a proper diagnosis, apart from Anorexia itself. Maybe it was just Lily's insecurities getting the better of her, and Alicia ended up being her safe place and someone to make her feel better about herself."

"Maybe," Connie exhaled deeply. "It's still...Odd though."

"How's she doing anyway?" Caroline questioned.

"She's sleeping right now and Iain is currently with her," Connie said. "But we weighed her earlier and she's nearing six stone. I'm going to keep her on the ward for a bit, get something into her system, and we'll go through there. Ideally, it will be nice if Lily can be discharged in a few weeks to continue treatment on an outpatient basis."

There was an awkward silence between the two of them for a while.

"I don't know," Connie then sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm skeptical about Lily being rid of Alicia to be honest, until we find the root cause or a proper diagnosis. I know Lily and she is someone who deals best with issues when they're faced with facts and answers. Without them, she can't fully recover."

"What support is Iain getting exactly?" Caroline asked. "It can't be easy for him either. Iain's totally devoted to her, I've watched them together and if she doesn't make it then he's going to be distraught. The poor guy has his life on hold and is competing with an illness that we can't fully understand yet."

"She will make it," Connie snapped. "We saved her once, didn't we? Believe me, we will help Iain as well, and maybe we can look at getting him a couple of counselling sessions too. I'll talk to him when Lily isn't around because he's not going to be completely honest with me in front of her."

Caroline nodded, agreeing that Connie shouldn't talk to Iain and Lily together.

"I might contact an old colleague of mine," Connie suggested. "I know someone who deals specifically with eating disorders and it might do the two of them some good to have a little chat with her. Hopefully, she'll be able to get an overall picture from them both. Thank you for everything that you've done for her, Caroline. Psych was a temporary arrangement and I know Lily wasn't the most easiest of patients."

"It was fine," Caroline said. "I'm just sad that none of us noticed how severe she'd become. She might not have collapsed then."

"She survived though," Connie sighed, forcing a brave smile for her. "And that's the main thing."

 **Sorry I haven't updated this story in a while, but because of the subject matter, this chapter had to feel realistic. It was really hard to write and took a lot of research. Thank you Giatrix for helping me out as well. I hope it was worth the wait.**


	29. Chapter 29

**A: Thanks so much and yes, at least that's a step forwards. It isn't, but I'm sure she'll get better eventually. Iain will definitely need some support. Thank you for reviewing.**

 **Bluebell140: Me too and let's keep our fingers crossed for her. Thanks for reviewing.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you, and I'm glad you think so. I do have some experience with anxiety/self esteem problems unfortunately, which is why I include a lot of it in my writing. I know how awful it is to go through. You should definitely give it a go. My advice is to start with your favourite characters and a topic that you know loads about. Also, maybe start off with a storyline that's already happened and add your own plot into it as a starting point. If you ever make an account, just PM me and I'd be happy to help out. Writing Fanfiction is so much fun though so I definitely recommend giving it a go. Also, it's great therapy :-)**

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Although Lily didn't really want visitors, she was secretly pleased when Robyn came to see her.

When Lily first joined the ED, she and Robyn did not get off to a good start. Robyn was a shy, kind and happy nurse who loved her job, and Lily was completely the opposite and wasn't afraid to tell her that she was lacking professionalism. As the two grew used to each other though, they actually ended up being good friends, so it wasn't surprising when Robyn became upset by Lily's situation.

"Everyone misses you," Robyn said, as she sat in the uncomfortable armchair at Lily's bedside. "Even Louise and that's saying something."

Lily managed a small smile, too focused on the drip that she'd been hooked up to. Just the thought of disgusting, fat liquid entering her body made her feel sick, and she couldn't help but hate Connie and Iain for making the decision.

"Iain won't stop talking about the wedding," Robyn then said. "He's so excited, bless him. We're all looking after him, especially Sam. She's been great."

"Sam?" Lily frowned in confusion and turned her head towards Robyn.

"Yes. Sam Nicholls," Robyn said. "Hasn't Iain told you about the new paramedic? She used to be a doctor here, years ago, but she's a paramedic now."

"And does Iain like her?" Lily asked.

"I should hope so," Robyn laughed. "The two of them do have history."

Lily snapped her head towards Robyn and asked, "Sorry?"

"Oh, Lily, it was years ago," Robyn said, suddenly realising what she'd just said. "Trust me, the two of them are just friends now. Sam's really nice and she knows that you and Iain are engaged. Do you remember her?"

"I remember her," Lily replied in a quiet voice.

Of course she remembered her. Sam was blonde, skinny, pretty. It was hard not to remember her to be honest. Lily hated to think of the two of them, getting cosy in the ambulance whilst chatting and blasting music as loud as they could. She couldn't remember the last time that she'd made Iain laugh, every time he looked at her he just seemed sad. Sam wouldn't make him feel like that.

"If I ask you something, can we keep it just between us?" Lily whispered.

"Of course," Robyn promised. "What's wrong?"

"Do..." Lily gulped and dug her nails into her legs. "Do you think Iain will get bored of me?"

"What?" Robyn frowned, and she actually began laughing. "Have you not seen the way that he looks at you Lily, and did you not listen to anything that I said? He loves you. You're like the best thing that's ever happened to him."

"But I...I hate myself," Lily whispered. "I'm ugly."

Robyn flinched and shifted uncomfortably, upon hearing Lily say that about myself.

"You're not," she whispered back and shook her head.

"I think I am," Lily said and hung her head. "Sam's beautiful and...She's always up for a laugh. She doesn't put her job before her friends, and you said that Iain had dated her once before. She's working with him, Robyn, whilst I'm stuck in here, hooked up to this stupid drip that I don't even want!"

Robyn jumped slightly, as Lily made an attempt to pull the wires out of her arm. She soon stopped though and just allowed her body to collapse back against the many pillows that were surrounding her.

"You will get out of here, Lily," Robyn said, although she seemed unsure.

* * *

Apart from Lily's doctor, Iain was the next person to visit her.

"I bought flowers for you," Iain said, as he neatly arranged them in the vase that stood on the bedside table. "Lilies, well, because of the obvious really. How are you feeling?"

"You shouldn't get flowers for women, you know?" Lily whispered, as she sat and stared blankly at the door in front of her. "They just die, and then no one's is really happy anymore."

Iain didn't know what to make of that statement. It was morbid and out of character for Lily.

"When was the last time I made you laugh, Iain?" She then asked, lifting her head to look him in the eyes. Iain just looked completely confused by her question though. "Okay, I'll change the question. When was the last time you laughed?"

"Uh-Let me think," Iain said, drumming his fingers against the bars of Lily's bed. "Oh yeah, it was this morning. I arrived at the ambulance station and Sa..."

He stopped himself from finishing Sam's name and exhaled deeply.

"Sam," Lily finished for him. "She made you laugh. Robyn told me that she was back, as a paramedic."

"Look," Iain sighed. "There is nothing going on between Sam and I, alright?"

"I didn't say that there was," Lily said. "I'm giving you a get out of jail free card, Iain. No resentment. No fault. Just a choice."

* * *

The next person to visit was Connie, and shortly after that Lily received her forth visitor.

Sam.

She had to admit that she was surprised and slightly uncomfortable, when she walked into the room. Connie was in the middle of checking her blood pressure, but she took Sam's visit as an opportunity to go and grab a coffee.

"What are you doing here?" Lily asked.

She didn't mean to sound snappy. It just happened.

"I thought I'd come and see how you are," Sam said, hovering by the bed whilst she scanned the hospital room. "Iain's been keeping me updated."

"Don't talk to me as if you know me that well, because you don't," Lily sighed, adjusting the jacket that had slowly slid off of her shoulders. "We may have worked together in the past but that's all we'll ever be, old colleagues."

"Lily, I know you're angry with the world right now but..."

"I'm not," Lily defended. "I just don't understand why you're here."

"I already told you," Sam said, and helped herself to the chair. "I came to see how you are. Iain...Um...He told me about the conversation that the two of you had together. Do you want to know why I rejected Iain?"

"Not really," Lily muttered under her breath.

"I'm going to tell you anyway," Sam said. "It wasn't just because I didn't love him, but because deep down I knew that he was only attached to me because of our time in Afghanistan. Don't reject him, Lily. He loves you so so much. Every time we're on shift, he will constantly update me on your progress and talk to me about you, and the other day he told me how excited he was to marry you."

"He really said that?" Lily asked.

"He did," Sam said. "I know that, as women, we've all experienced some sort of self esteem issue in our life, but I need you to believe me when I say that Iain loves you and thinks that you are the most beautiful woman on this planet. Iain and I have had history and yes, we're good friends, but I see him more like a brother."

"Don't let Gem hear you say that," Lily laughed. "She'd scratch your eyes out! Her and Iain are incredibly close."

"Gem?" Sam questioned. "Who's Gem?"

"Iain's little sister," Lily said, confused at the fact that Iain had never mentioned her to Sam before. "They've got a lovely relationship."

"Well, I think that proves that Iain never truly saw me as a serious romantic prospect," Sam said. "He would never talk to me about his family. It was off limits."

Lily just shrugged her shoulders. She was too tired to even attempt to speak to anyone else. She didn't have as much energy as she used to.

"I would really like us to be friends, Lily," Sam said. "If you're okay with that?"

"Yeah," Lily sighed and gave her a nod. "I'm sorry. I'm just..."

"I know," Sam interrupted her. "I'm going to head off now, okay? I have to get back to work and you probably want some sleep."

"Not so sure about that," Lily false laughed. "I would like some sleep, but I've just been struggling to get some lately."

"Just try your best, alright?" Sam said. "Ask Connie for some sleeping aid if not. I'm sure Iain will be up again later anyway. Take care of yourself, okay?"

"Yeah," Lily whispered, managing a weak and weary smile. "Thanks Sam."


	30. Chapter 30

**Bluebell140:** **She is but she has Iain to help her through it. It was quite nice writing that scene with Sam, I'm not used to writing about her that much but it was good fun. Thank you.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you. Aw it's quite easy, just go onto Fanfiction and click create account and then you can add stuff to your profile and create your username. You can't post a story for three days though which is a bit annoying. Thank you and that means a lot, as I would love to be an author one day.**

 **Giatrix: Thank you so much. I like writing scenes with other characters, especially Robyn. She's always so lovely. More updates to come.**

Chapter Thirty

"Lily's blood sugar is a lot better. Now, it's just trying to get her to eat."

Connie and Iain stood in the middle of the corridor, as they listened to Lily's doctor, Doctor McGovern, update them on her progress. The weeks had passed slowly for all of them, and Lily was becoming stronger by the minute. Everyone prayed that she would soon be allowed to be discharged.

"I'll bring her something to eat later on," Doctor McGovern continued. "Nothing big, just a small portion, but it's important to try and get Lily to eat properly now, without the drip."

"Okay," Iain sighed, nervous because he knew how anxious and scared Lily would be. "Am I okay to see her?"

"Of course. I'll bring some food in later."

Once the doctor had left, Iain anxiously rubbed at the back of his neck and turned to Connie. She looked just as scared and anxious as him and he wondered if she had the exact same thoughts that he did.

"Lily isn't going to like that," he whispered.

"I know," she said. "But she's right, Lily needs to try and eat on her own. I have to get back to the ED, but will you be okay by yourself?"

"I won't be by myself," Iain said with a smile. "I'll be with Lily, won't I?"

"You know what I meant," Connie said. "I'll have my phone on me so just give me a ring if you need anything."

Iain nodded and gave Connie a thankful smile, before turning and making his way into Lily's room. He was really pleased that she had a room to herself, it meant that she had her own bathroom and she seemed a lot happier. Athough Lily's blood sugar was better, she still looked extremely tiny and she wasn't as independent as she used to be.

"Hey Iain," she greeted him, which was a big step in itself.

He was usually the one greeting her first.

"Hey. How are you doing?" He asked, walking over and planting a kiss on her forehead. "You not got dressed yet?"

Lily shook her head and wrapped her arms around her pale pink pyjamas, whilst Iain took a seat in the chair beside her. She was flicking through a couple of soap opera magazines that Iain had bought for her a few days ago. He'd been careful not to buy her any body image magazines, something that Lily had been quite disappointed about.

"Why don't you have a bath?" Iain suggested, as Lily continued to read up on an article about Eastenders. "Come on, I'll help you, but a freshen up and some clean clothes will make you feel better."

Iain leaned over and gently removed the magazines from Lily's bed. He gave her a comforting and warm smile and held her hand so that he could help her out of bed. She was rather weak and unsteady on her feet, from lack of energy and the fact that she'd been in bed for a while, but he helped lead her into the bathroom that was attached to her room. She sat on the closed toilet seat and watched nervously as he ran her a warm bubble bath, dipping his hand in every now and then to check the temperature.

"You don't need to feel uncomfortable around me, alright?" Iain spoke gently, as he walked back over to Lily. "You're beautiful and I'm not going to think any differently. I just want you to feel clean and happy in yourself, so why don't you hop in for me?"

Lily nodded and held her arms up weakly, allowing Iain to pull her pyjama top up and over her head. She flinched and pulled her knees up to her chest, feeling self-conscious about her naked body. Iain didn't say anything and helped her stand up so that he could help remove the bottoms. Once she was fully undressed, Iain helped her slide into the bath, and began to run the warm water up and down her back.

"Does that feel okay?" He whispered, and she gave a weak and unsure nod. "Just tell me if you feel uncomfortable."

Lily wrapped her arms around herself, obviously trying to hide every inch of her body from Iain. Iain couldn't believe how frail she was still, he could see her ribs and she looked close to breaking in two.

"I want to get out," Lily whispered and went to stand up.

"Okay. Careful," Iain said and stood up straight to help her. "At least you've had a soak, hmm? Have you got any clothes to wear?"

"I'll just wear my pyjamas," Lily whispered.

Iain decided not to argue with her and just grabbed a towel to wrap around her as he helped her out of the bath. She stumbled slightly but he held onto her and helped her change back into her pyjamas.

"I hate being such a burden," Lily mumbled, putting her slippers on and weakly climbing back into bed.

"You're not a burden," Iain said. "I want to help, okay? You're going to feel weak for a bit, that's understandable."

"It's my fault though, isn't it?" She whispered, fiddling with the ends of the bedsheets. "I don't want to die, Iain. I just want to look beautiful."

"And you do," Iain said.

"But Alicia said..."

"No," Iain cut her off and shook his head. "Forget about Alicia. Didn't we agree that she wasn't real?"

Lily nodded at him. The door opened and Doctor McGovern walked in with a tray of food. Lily's chest immediately tightened and panic began to build up inside of her, as the tray was placed over her lap. Iain obviously sensed her panic as he reached out and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"How have we been getting on?" She asked.

"Good," Iain spoke for Lily, sensing that she was feeling quite tired. "She's um...She's managed to have a bath, I helped her."

She seemed quite impressed and pleased with that answer, and went onto the meal that she'd placed on Lily's lap. There were a few grapes and some plain crackers, nice and simple but also enough to fill her up.

"You don't have to eat it all," she told her patiently. "But just some. Things seem to be going well so far, but to make things even better then we need to try and get you to eat something."

Lily just stared at the plate of food and a lump formed in her throat. Everything hurt and she felt sick. She shook her head and tears stung the eyes that used to be so happy and full of joy. Now, they just looked sad all the time.

"You want to get out of here, Chuckles," Iain whispered, but Lily didn't say anything. "Listen. Once you are out, what are we going to do? I think we need a plan to work towards."

Lily just shrugged her shoulders, as she stared at the plate with a look of total fear. The crackers and the grapes suddenly grew faces and it was as if they were planning to attack her. They wanted to ram their way down her throat, purposely causing her to get bigger and bigger.

"I...I want to..." Lily choked up, and a single tear rolled down one side of her face and landed on the side of the plate. "I r...really want to live with you and get married to you."

"Married, huh?" Doctor McGovern asked, hoping to try and make Lily feel more comfortable.

"We're engaged," Iain mentioned.

"Congratulations," she said to them both. "Well, that is certainly something to work towards and look forward to."

"I just don't want to gain weight again," Lily whispered, more tears escaping. "Especially for the wedding."

"You won't," Iain said gently and picked a grape up off of her plate. "Come on. Try and eat something for me, hmm? If you try, then you'll be out of here soon and we can start planning that wedding properly."

Lily looked terrified of the grape that Lily was holding and she gripped the sides of the tray tightly, her knuckles slowly turning white.

"Please," Iain coaxed. "You can do it. I know you can. You want to, right?"

Lily nodded and allowed her tears to fall as she slowly took the grape from Iain.

"You've touched this one," she cried.

Not only the thought of calories terrified her, but the thought that someone else had touched the food as well. She couldn't handle it, and she hated the fact that her brain was like that.

"That's fine," Iain said, being surprisingly patient. "Have another one instead."

Lily nodded and set that grape down on the side of her plate, before choosing a cleaner one. She anxiously bit into it, green juice spirting from the sides, and chewed slowly. She felt as if she was going to be sick, but she just about managed to swallow. Once she had, she popped the rest of the grape into her mouth and Iain gave her hand another squeeze.

"So, I was thinking of wearing a bright, red suit for our wedding," Iain said.

"You can't," Lily laughed, as she slowly continued to chew the juicy fruit. "It's not very traditional, is it?"

He just shrugged his shoulders and answered with, "I think it'd look cool."

"Wear black or navy," Lily advised him. "And you can wear a red tie or something if you really wanted to."

She swallowed hard and coughed, holding a hand to her mouth. She'd finally managed to swallow the grape but she felt sick.

"All gone?" Doctor McGovern asked her.

She nodded and opened her mouth to prove it, grimacing to try and stop herself from throwing up all over the bed. She tried not to think about the calories that were swimming around inside of her, but it was extremely difficult.

"Well done," she praised and removed the tray from Lily's lap. She set the plate on the bedside table and held onto the tray to take with her. "That is a huge step for you. You don't have to eat anymore for the moment but I will leave the plate here for you, just in case you want to give it another go. Well done, Lily."

Lily nodded and Doctor McGovern gave her a genuine and kind-hearted smile, before leaving the room.

"Well done, beautiful," Iain said and gave her cheek a kiss.

"Iain," Lily warned and shook her head at him. "Sorry, but...Just don't call me that."

"Sorry," he apologised and gave her shoulder a rub. "Well done though. You're amazing."

"I feel sick," Lily whispered, slowly lifting her face to make eye contact with him.

"Have some water," Iain said and picked up her glass to hand to her. "That'll soon pass."

Lily nodded and had a nervous sip of her water. She hated the fact that she always sounded so weak and vulnerable in front of him, she hated that her assertive and bravery had been washed away by someone who hadn't even been real. Her eyelids fluttered towards the door of the bathroom and she felt the urge to throw up the disgusting, soggy grape that now sat in the pit of her stomach.

"Lily, don't," Iain whispered, obviously noticing the look on her face. "Just focus on my voice, please. You can do this."

"Don't worry," Lily whispered back and exhaled deeply, trying her absolute best to think of the wedding that they were going to have. "I'm not going to. I love you."

 **So I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you think x**


	31. Chapter 31

**Bluebell140: Me too, he's just an amazing guy. Thank you so much and enjoy the update.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: You totally should. I get what you're saying but just try and write what you know and what you're passionate about. Personally, I would love to read more mental health stories which is why I write them, so it'd be nice to see some from another author as well. Let me know your account if you do set one up.**

Chapter Thirty-One

The night before Lily was allowed to be discharged, she couldn't sleep.

The doctors had found her strong enough to take away the IV at last, and although she was pleased about that, it felt weird not to have it. It also felt weird to have the freedom to wander around if she wanted, and she was struggling to take in the fact that she would be going home in just under twelve hours.

She sniffed and wrapped her dressing gown around herself, before slowly climbing out of bed. Her legs shook like jelly and she quickly grabbed hold of the bed to stop herself from falling. She wasn't used to walking around by herself, Iain had always been there to hold her. She slipped on her pair of hospital slippers and slowly walked over to open the door.

She was out of her room, and into the hospital corridor. A few nurses passed her, but no one said anything. She felt anxious and she wondered why she'd even left her room in the first place. It wasn't as if she could even walk that far. She turned left and slowly made her way in the direction of the ED, but two minutes in and she started to feel out of breath.

She was glad when she got down to the ED and reached Connie's office without collapsing. She felt so tired though.

"Come in," Connie called, when she'd finally built up the energy to knock.

Lily weakly pushed the door open and dragged her body inside.

"Lily," Connie seemed shocked, but also quite angry. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I um...I can't sleep," Lily whispered, leaning against the door.

"You shouldn't be walking around," Connie said. "Come over here, you look exhausted."

Lily nodded and walked over to Connie, coughing as Connie pulled her in for a hug.

"You need to be resting," the clinical lead said, resting her chin on Lily's shoulder, whilst keeping her arms around her waist. "Big day tomorrow." When Lily didn't answer, Connie guessed that there was something on her mind. "What's wrong?" She asked. "I thought you'd be happy to be discharged."

"I am," Lily whispered. "But I'm scared."

"You, Lily Chao, scared?" Connie laughed. "I don't believe it! What on earth have you got to be scared about, hmm? You've gone through so much and yet you're scared of leaving the hospital. There's nothing to be scared about."

"When I...When I was in hospital, I had people to look after me and I was safe," Lily whispered. "I can't help the fact that I can't eat, so what if I get out and...I...I relapse."

"I'm pretty certain that that isn't going to happen to you," Connie whispered. "You're one of the strongest people I know and you'll still have people to look after you; myself and Iain for example. It's not going to be easy and you're not going to start eating straight away, this is a sign to show that you are slowly getting better though. I know that you can't help it, don't worry."

Lily nodded, tears stinging her eyes, as she shook in Connie's arms.

"You're shivering," Connie remarked, holding her closer.

"I'm fine," Lily said. "I just wanted to see you."

"Well, you've seen me, so how about I get a wheelchair and take you back to your room?" Connie suggested.

"I don't want a wheelchair," Lily complained.

The last thing she wanted was to be wheeled through the hospital, when she could quite clearly use her legs.

"Can't I stay here for a bit?" She asked, leaning weakly against Connie.

Connie had to smile and nod in agreement. Lily had never been an affectionate person and it was quite an odd sight to see, but she didn't mind. Lily was unwell, she felt tired and vulnerable, and she'd spent months on various hospital wards.

"What are you doing anyway?" Lily whispered, lifting her head from Connie's chest.

"Paperwork," Connie sighed. "I have quite a bit to catch up on."

Lily turned her head towards Connie's desk and saw that there was bits of loose paper scattered across the desk. Her email account was open on her computer and there was a few books about anorexia stacked up on one corner of the desk.

"Why have you been reading these?" Lily sighed and picked up one of the books.

"No, you don't need to look at that," Connie said, snatching it out of her hand before she could begin to turn the pages. "That's for my reference only."

"Why though?" Lily asked, her eyes on the title of the book.

"Because, although I am a doctor with years of experience," Connie sighed and began to fiddle with a small strand of Lily's hair. "I still feel like I need to do my research so that I can fully understand the stuff you're going through."

Lily felt uncomfortable, knowing that Connie had been spending her spare time with her head in a pile of books. She'd heard the word Anorexia loads of times before, and she'd treated loads of patients who'd had the diagnosis, but she never expected herself to have it. She had to admit that she'd never really liked who she was, but she used to just get on with it.

"You don't understand me?" She asked quietly.

"It's not that I don't understand you," Connie said. "It's the illness. You said yourself that you want to eat but you just can't, and I guess I'd like to know if there's something I can do to help that. I want you to get better."

"I can't help being sick," Lily said. "People think that it's my fault, that I have the choice to eat so why can't I just do it? It's not though."

"I know, I know," Connie said. "It isn't that simple. People don't usually understand Anorexia, unless they have been through the illness themselves."

"Can I ask you a question?" Lily whispered, and Connie gave her a nod. "Do you think I'll ever see Alicia again?"

"I'm not sure," Connie sighed and glanced up at the clock. "When you first told us about Alicia, I had all sorts of horrible thoughts going through my head. You'd been seeing things and I thought that you might have had Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder or something along those lines, but obviously no diagnosis for that has been found. In my opinion, you were feeling low about yourself, you wanted a friend, you had body image issues, and you created Alicia to help all of that. I think that there will be times where Alicia will randomly crop up, but only when you're feeling extremely down or anxious, and it's okay to feel like that sometimes but it's important that you talk to someone. You haven't seen Alicia lately, have you?"

"Not since I dreamt about her," Lily admitted.

"There you go then," Connie said. "And that's not because of the medication, it's because you're starting to feel good about yourself. Your only diagnosis Lily, is Anorexia Nervosa, and if you keep at it you will manage to beat it."

* * *

"You need to wrap up warm because it is extremely cold out there," Connie said to Lily, before Iain was due to take her home. "Alright? I know you're feeling better but your body is still extremely weak and fragile, and you need to take care."

"Alright, mother," Lily scoffed sarcastically, as she wrapped a scarf around her neck. "I'll be fine. Iain will be with me."

She shot her fiance a small smile, which he quickly returned. Lily slipped a pair of long boots on over her jeans and Connie gave her a quick hug before she left. Everyone was pleased that she'd been discharged at last, even though it would still be a while until she was allowed back to work.

"I've got your case," Iain said, wheeling Lily's suitcase over to the door. "Are you ready?"

"Look after yourself," Connie said to Lily. "Remember that you have an appointment next week for a weigh-in, and carry on with the counselling as well. I'll still be around anyway, and I'm sure Iain will keep me updated. How are you feeling?"

"Nervous," Lily said, her body trembling.

She was smiling though, which Connie thought was a wonderful thing. She couldn't remember the last time that Lily had smiled voluntarily. It was easy to say that Lily had changed a lot during her illness, not just physically but emotionally as well.

"You'll be fine," Connie said. "And you know where I am if you need a girly chat."

Lily nodded gratefully at her and made her way over to Iain, who greeted her with a warm and gentle hug. As the two of them left the hospital, Iain wheeling Lily's case along behind him, they saw that it was snowing.

"This is a nice welcome home surprise for you, isn't it?" Iain chuckled, catching a snowflake in the palm of his hand. "Come on, we best get you home before you freeze."

"Can't we just stay and watch it for a bit?" Lily whispered, looking up at the pure white sky.

She never got to experience such a magical thing whilst she was in hospital. Being cooped up in a hospital room hadn't been much fun and although she was anxious about being let out into the big, wide, world, she wanted to experience every moment that she got. She may have been sick but she was determined not to end up in hospital again.

"Lily," Iain said sternly. "You can't be out in the snow."

Lily's face lit up though and she crouched down to make a snowball, before walking over and hitting him with it. It had only been a light throw as she had very little energy, but it caused Iain to laugh and he couldn't resist twirling her around gently. Lily squealed with laughter and Iain kissed her cheek, before carefully putting her feet back on the ground.

"I've never seen you laugh like that before," he said and wiped some snow away from her nose.

Their moment was interrupted by Connie storming out and shouting, "What the hell are you doing?"

"It's fine, Mrs Beauchamp," Iain sighed. "I didn't think it was a good idea either, but she's having some fun for a change, and it's not for long. I'll take her home in a bit."

"I thought you were responsible, Iain," Connie said and placed her hands on Lily's shoulders. "She's freezing. Lily, darling, I think you should head home now."

"I don't feel cold," Lily said sweetly. "For once, I'm feeling good."

"I know that you may be feeling good, sweetheart," Connie said. "But you're quite fragile at the moment and you need to look after your heart. You can't be out for long periods of time in the cold. Go home and get some rest, hmm? Come on, I'm sorry but I'm only looking out for you and Iain shouldn't be encouraging you."

"Sorry," Lily apologised. "I forgot that I'm not allowed to have fun."

"I'm not saying that," Connie said. "Besides, since when has Lily Chao been a snow person anyway, huh?"

She was trying to make a joke in order to cheer Lily up, but it didn't work.

"Maybe I want to try and enjoy life a bit more, after spending what felt like years in hospital," she snapped.

"We can have fun at home, Lily," Iain said, smiling sympathetically at her. "I'm sorry, but Connie's right. Maybe the snow isn't such a good idea, after you've just come out. I'm sorry."

Lily sighed heavily and just nodded in agreement, before walking back over to Iain.

"Come on, Chuckles," he said and gave her temple a kiss. Knowing that she didn't have as much energy as she used to, he said, "The car isn't far from here."

"Look after her, Iain," Connie said, before they walked away. "She's um...She's very special."

Lily smiled wearily and Iain kept his arm around her neck protectively.

"I will, don't worry," he said. "I know she is."

 **So Lily is finally out of hospital, but it isn't the end of the road yet. I hope this chapter flowed well, seemed realistic and just made sense in general. It took me a while to write and I honestly don't think it's one of my best chapters, so I'm sorry about that x**


	32. Chapter 32

**Bluebell140: Me too and Iain will be there to help her.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thanks so much. I just love that pairing and I'm really sad that it didn't last in the show. You definitely should, I'd read it. More to come.**

Chapter Thirty-Two

It had just turned half past ten in the morning and Lily hadn't been up for long.

She was curled up on the sofa in Iain's living room, watching Friends, whilst Iain got breakfast ready in the kitchen. She wore a pair of tracksuit bottoms, the batman shirt Iain had bought her, a hooded jacket, and a pair of slipper boots. A flickering light of the fire could be seen beside the TV, and Lily flinched anxiously as she heard the sound of a saucepan clattering to the kitchen floor.

She knew that she had to try and eat something, or she'd end up in hospital again, but she prayed that Iain wouldn't make her. She was so tired and although the fire and the heating were on, she was still shivering from the cold. She'd looked out of the window that morning and the snow was continuing to fall, but Iain was forcing her to stay inside after what Connie had said.

"Breakfast is ready, Lily."

Lily gulped and hugged her knees to her chest, her eyes fixated on the old, Christmas episode of Friends. She hadn't seen Friends in ages and she'd forgot how funny it was. She had to admit that it was secretly her guilty pleasure, and only Iain knew about her love for it.

"Lily," Iain spoke again and drew closer to her. "I um...Did you some toast, alright? Nothing big, we need to start off slow."

Lily faintly nodded and decided to make eye contact with him. He gave her a comforting smile and nodded his head towards the kitchen. She folded her arms across her chest, rested her head against the back of the sofa and just wearily shook her head.

"Lily," he sighed, trying not to lose his patience with her. "Come on. You promised."

"Just leave me alone!" She didn't mean to snap, but she was growing tired of Iain's pestering. "I'm not hungry."

"Please don't start," Iain said. "I'm trying to make an effort. If you don't at least try something, you're going to end up in hospital again and I am doing everything in my power not to let that happen! We're going to be married, Lily! I want you to get better."

"I'm not starting anything!" Lily shouted.

"Connie is coming over later to see how you're doing and I would really love to tell her that you've eaten something," he said, his voice still raised.

"Just stop shouting at me!" Lily screamed in tears and she clambered off of the sofa and stormed off to Iain's bedroom.

Iain flinched as he heard the door slam shut. He wanted to tell her that it was his room and that he could go into it whenever he wanted to, so she couldn't really hide herself away, but he decided to leave her alone. Things has escalated pretty quickly and he didn't want to cause any more upset, even though he had no idea what he'd actually done wrong.

* * *

"She's been in there all day," Iain sighed and ran his hands down his face. "Which is bad for me, because I don't want to disturb her but I really want to put my Batman dressing gown on."

"I don't think that's really important right now, Iain," Connie said. "And I thought we agreed that she shouldn't be on her own for the time being."

"I can't help it," Iain said. "Things were fine. I only suggested that she have some breakfast, and she flipped out at me."

"She's starving, Iain," Connie sighed. "She's struggling to adjust to being out of hospital. I'll have a word with her, alright? Don't worry about it. Anorexia can cause mood swings."

Iain nodded and hoped that Connie would be able to get through to Lily. He headed into the living room to watch some TV, whilst Connie opened the door to Iain's bedroom. Lily was curled up on the bed in Iain's Batman dressing gown, her back to the door.

"Come over here," Connie said, shutting the door behind her and making her way over to Iain's computer chapter. "Come and talk to me," she said and sat down on it.

Lily exhaled deeply and weakly got herself up, before dragging her feet over to Connie.

"What happened?" Connie asked and wrapped her arms around Lily's waist so that she could give her a hug. "Before we start though, what's Iain going to think when he sees that you're wearing his gown?"

"It just smells of him," Lily whispered and held her hands to her mouth. "I'm sorry."

"Well, it's not really me that you should be apologising to," Connie said. "What happened?" She asked again.

"He just kept asking me about breakfast," Lily said, gasping for breath as she held her hands to her face. "I didn't want any. I'm really tired and...I don't feel well and..."

"And things just escalated from there?" Connie said, holding Lily tighter. "Listen. Iain cares so much about you and he loves you loads, which was why he was trying to get you to have just a little something. You want to get better, don't you?"

"Of course I do," Lily sobbed.

"I know it's hard," Connie said. "And you've been in hospital for a while, so of course it's going to take some time to adjust to the outside world. I'm not blaming you here Lily, because Iain is in the wrong as well. He needs to try and be a bit more patient and understanding, but no one is perfect, are they?"

"I'm just fed up of being ugly," Lily whispered.

It broke Connie's heart to hear Lily say that. She sighed and held back the lump that was forming in her throat, her arms remaining around Lily's waist. She glanced over to the door and saw that Iain was stood there, listening and waiting for the right time to jump in. He had tears rolling down his cheeks and Connie just gave him a small shake of the head. He nodded but stayed where he was.

"You are not ugly," Connie whispered back.

"You have to say that," Lily sobbed.

"No, I don't," Connie said, gently taking her hands in hers. "Has anyone ever said that you are?"

"Alicia," Lily cried. "But I've never had any friends or...Much luck with love."

"You have friends now," Connie said. "I know saying that Alicia isn't real won't be much help, because at the end of the day you've still heard those words. You have a wonderful man though Lily, who thinks the world of you, and has even asked you to marry him."

"But I don't think I can marry him," Lily said, beginning to cry even harder.

"Why?" Connie frowned at her, now completely confused.

"I...I can't wear the dress," Lily cried. "I'll feel really self conscious. I know I shouldn't have taken it out on Iain, but I'm so worried about marrying him because I don't want people to see me in a wedding dress."

"Oh, darling," Connie sympathised and pulled her in for a hug again. "Come here. I didn't realise that you felt like that. Come on."

Lily just sobbed into Connie's blouse and Connie looked back to Iain, who immediately left so that Lily wouldn't hear him cry.

"You don't have to wear a big, white gown," Connie said. "Not if you don't feel comfortable. The wedding is a long way off so things might have changed by then, but it's your day so you do whatever you feel comfortable with."

Lily just nodded against her.

"You're not ugly though," Connie said. "You're beautiful."

There was a pause, as Lily tried her best to believe what Connie was saying.

"What are you doing next weekend?" Connie asked. "How about I book a day off work and the two of us can have a bit of retail therapy? We can look at wedding dresses, just the two of us, and you can decide whether or not you would like to wear them."

"I'd like that," Lily whispered.

"Good," Connie said. "But getting married in jeans and a hoodie isn't a problem either, alright?" She laughed, causing Lily to giggle as well. "I just want you to be comfortable and happy, and so does Iain."

 **I hope you liked the chapter. Let me know what you think x**


	33. Chapter 33

**Bluebell140: They do and me too, she still loves Iain and she always will. I think she could wear a binbag and Iain would be happy with it, lol.**

 **casualtyfics111: She is like a mother to Lily, which is so lovely.**

Chapter Thirty-Three

"Lily!" Iain shouted with excitement, as he burst through the front door of his flat. "Lily!"

He hoped that she wasn't asleep and that he hadn't just woken her, but fortunately she wasn't. She was curled up on the sofa, halfway through watching The Polar Express. He had to smile at the sight, as Tom Hanks and cartoon Christmas films didn't seem like Lily's type of thing at all.

"What's wrong?" She asked, fumbling around for the remote.

"It's okay," he chuckled. "You don't have to turn it off. I love this film."

"There was nothing on TV," she whispered and moved up to one end of the sofa, so that Iain could sit down next to her. "What's wrong anyway? Where's the fire?"

"No fire," he said, completely out of breath now, and leaned across to kiss her cheek. "Gem's being released from prison."

"Really?" Lily's eyes widened and a huge grin spread across her face. "Iain, that's awesome news! Are you pleased?"

"Of course," Iain said. "I'm over the moon! When are you going shopping with Connie?" He then asked, gently stroking her knuckles with the tip of his thumb.

"Saturday," Lily groaned wearily.

A small yawn escaped from her mouth and she rubbed at her forehead, whilst closing her eyes for a brief second.

"I was thinking of inviting Gem over on the Friday," Iain said gently. "It's my day off then because I'm working on the Saturday. She doesn't have to come, not if you don't feel up for visitors, but I thought it would be nice."

"No, that's fine," Lily sighed deeply and ran a hand through her messy hair. "I'd like to see her. Um...Does...Is she...Sorry, I mean..."

"It's okay, Lily," Iain cut her off and gave her a small smile of comfort. "It's okay. She is aware of the situation and she's fine with it, alright? You have nothing to worry about, I promise you. Gem will be fine."

Lily faintly nodded and tucked her hands into her sleeves in an anxious manner. Iain gave her arm a comforting rub and kissed her temple, sensing that whatever he said would still make her feel nervous.

* * *

"It feels weird to be back," Gem said, as she lifted her backpack out of the boot of Iain's car. "Do you think things will be okay?"

"Of course they will," Iain said and wrapped an arm around his little sister. "It'll take a while to adjust but you'll be fine. You can stay with me and we'll find you a job."

"Alright, slow down," Gem laughed. "It's good to see you. Um...How's Lily doing?"

"Fine," Iain sighed. "Before we go in though, I just want to warn you about a few things. Lily may be out of hospital, but she's still not well. She's extremely thin and she's still not eating a great deal, and she may seem quite quiet and anxious. Just tread carefully around her and it's best to avoid any comments about appearance or any compliments based on appearance. They just make her feel uncomfortable."

"Are you telling me you can't even tell your girlfriend that she looks pretty?" Gem asked. "That's so sad."

"Sometimes I can't help it and I tell her anyway," Iain said. "But it can backfire, so best to avoid it."

Gem smiled at her older brother and said, "You are so sweet when you talk about her. I was worried I'd never see this day and you'd just continue with the meaningless relationships."

"Whoa!" Iain laughed and ruffled her hair. "Don't hold back, will you?! Come on, let's go inside because I am freezing cold."

Gem gave him a small and nervous smile, and the two of them entered the block of flats. Gem held her backpack on her back tightly and gulped as they began to climb the stairs to Iain's flat. He unlocked the door and the two of them made their way inside. Gem took a deep breath and dropped her backpack onto the floor, as she took in her surroundings. She couldn't believe that she'd been released.

Then as she walked further into the flat, a strong spell of food hit her.

"What's cooking?" She asked, turning to face her brother.

"What do you mean?" Iain frowned at her in confusion, but then he could spell it as well. "Hang on," he told his sister, suddenly realising something. "Lily?" He called.

He pushed past Gem and made his way into the kitchen to see Lily standing in front of the oven, putting together a Spaghetti Bolognaise. Gem followed him in, confused to see that someone who'd been suffering from anorexia was in the middle of cooking a full-blown meal.

"Hey," Lily whispered, suddenly feeling rather anxious upon seeing Gem.

It had been a while.

"Lily. What are you doing?" Iain questioned her.

"I um...I wanted to prepare a welcome home meal," she said and forced a smile.

At least, it seemed forced.

"It's almost done," Lily added quickly. "I um...I just need to get the spaghetti on, but...That shouldn't take long." She glanced across at Gem and her smile became even more forced. "Hi Gem," she whispered.

"Hey, Lily," Gem greeted, trying to remember all of what her brother had told her. "You're um...You're looking well. Thank you for the um...The food."

"You didn't have to do that," Iain sighed and walked over to pull Lily in for a hug. "It smells delicious though. Well um...Well done." Lily just nodded against him, taking in the warm and comforting scent of his shirt. "Can I help at all?"

"No, it's fine." Lily shook her head, adament that she could do it by herself. "Like I said, it's almost done anyway."

"Are you sure?" He asked.

Lily faintly nodded, but he wasn't convinced.

Gem and Iain sat at the kitchen table, whilst Lily cooked. Silence filled the air and neither of them could keep their eyes off of her. They weren't sure what to make of it, and wondered if she was really okay or not. Everything just seemed too forced. Iain was the most concerned, seeing as he'd been there throughout Lily's illness. He knew when things weren't exactly considered normal.

He became even more concerned when Lily announced that dinner was ready and set two plates down onto the table.

"Thanks," he said, staring down at the full plate of food.

"Yeah..." Gem didn't really know what to say. "Are you not joining us, Lily?"

"Not this time," Lily sighed and sat down in the spare chair beside Gem. "I ate earlier. How are you anyway?"

"I'm fine, thank you," Gem said, as she awkwardly twirled the spaghetti around her fork. "I'm pleased to be out, but it does feel weird." Lily nodded, her eyes fixated on the plates of food that she'd put together. "How are you? Iain told me that the two of you are engaged now."

"I'm good," Lily said. "We um...Haven't really got a date for the wedding yet, but it'd be great if you could come. You need to be there. I need a maid of honour, right?"

Iain could tell that Lily was nervous and it made him wonder if he'd done the right thing, inviting Gem round? She was talking fast, stuttering, blurting stuff out, cooking a meal but deciding not to eat it herself.

"Really?" Gem looked happy though. "Lily, I...I'd love that, thank you."

"I knew you would." Lily beamed at her. "How's the food?"

"It's good, Lily," Iain blurted out before Gem could say anything. "Thank you, but you didn't have to go to great lengths to welcome Gem back. She was just looking forward to seeing you."

Lily's smile faded and she whispered, "Do you not like it?"

"What? No!" Iain yelled, quickly stepping in to defend himself. "No! Lily, that...That's not what I was saying. It's delicious, thank you. I um...I didn't mean for it to sound like that, I'm sorry. I love you, alright?"

Lily just nodded and Gem quickly continued to eat, trying her best to ignore the tension in the room.

"I might go into your room," Lily whispered, and stood up from the table.

"Why?" Iain asked her.

Lily shrugged and said, "I just want to lie down. Enjoy your meal."

And within seconds, she'd fled the kitchen. Iain waited until he heard the gentle sound of his bedroom door clicking shut, before slamming down his fork and running his hands down his face.

"You know you could have called me any time, right?" Gem sighed. "I didn't realise that things were this bad with her, so they must have been even worse when she was in hospital. I could have helped you, bro."

"How?" Iain sighed back. "How could you have possibly helped me when you were inside?"

Gem didn't say anything. What was she supposed to say?

"I'm sorry," he apologised quickly. "That was...That was..Uncalled for. Things will get better. She's on medication for depression and she has been eating little bits here and there, but she isn't going to get better overnight. I've kind of just learnt to deal with that really."

"Well, I'm here now," Gem said, hoping that her words would make him feel better. "I'm here for you and Lily, and I always will be. I'm not going to mess things up again, I swear. I hated that place."

"I know, and I'm proud of you," Iain said. "Lily will be fine. Maybe some girly time with Connie will actually help her."

 **Not my best chapter to be honest.**

 **Also, I have changed things slightly. I know that Iain never knew Gem was in prison and she never knew he was out of the army and stuff, but I've changed it so that they did know about each other all that time. Obviously this story is supposed to be set during Alicia's first episode, so that may seem a bit confusing. Hope it makes sense (kind of) x**


	34. Chapter 34

**Bluebell140: Exactly and maybe, we'll see. Thanks for your review.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Me too, they just have such a lovely mother and daughter relationship. I definitely will, but I love your story so far. Good job!**

 **Giatrix: Thanks so much. This is more of a Lily and Connie chapter, but loads more Iain to come.**

Chapter Thirty-Four

Lily's dark, brown eyes nagivated around the bridal shop, and her chest tightened into a knot.

She thought back to when she was younger and remembered how easy it was. She'd always been quite a shy and nervous child and whenever she was scared or upset, she'd grab hold of her mum's hand. She wished that she was able to do that now with Connie, but she was in her late twenties and knew that it wasn't something she could get away with. She desperately wanted to tell Connie to forget it though, and that she didn't even want to get married anyway.

There were so many beautiful women in the store, trying on dress after dress with friends and relatives, and she knew that she'd never be able to sink to their level. They were gorgeous, blonde, skinny.

They were Alicia.

She reluctantly followed Connie over to a rail of dresses, and fiddled anxiously with the sleeves of her coat. She could feel strangers staring at her and it made her feel uncomfortable. Connie noticed as well, guessing that they realised how unhealthily skinny Lily was. It was fairly noticeable, even when she was wearing a thick coat to hide it. She gave Lily's shoulder a comforting rub and a reassuring smile, knowing that she thought otherwise and felt as if they were judging her for being overweight.

It broke her heart.

"This is nice," Connie said, picking out a dress and holding it up to show Lily. "I like the lace and it's got long sleeves as well."

Lily faintly nodded and scanned the dress cautiously. It was beautiful, too beautiful for her. She sighed and examined a woman across from them. She was on her own, looking at each dress in turn, before putting it back on the rail.

"Or this one is nice too," Connie said, picking out another one. "Come on. What do you fancy, eh? You need to try something on."

"I'm not sure," Lily whispered, and began to delicately run her frail fingers over the dresses.

She looked up and saw the other woman observing her carefully, and it made her feel even more self-conscious.

"Weddings are supposed to be the best day of your life," she said randomly to Lily. "But they are also one of the most scariest days as well. I've tried four dresses on so far and I still don't know what to pick. You should try something."

Lily managed a nervous smile and shrugged her shoulders.

"I'm Michelle by the way," she introduced herself and walked over to Lily.

"Lily," Lily informed her in a shaky voice.

"I get nervous too," Michelle said. "Trying on clothes. I used to have a serious weight problem and my worst nightmare was trying on clothes with my friends. They were all stick thin gorgeous with nothing to worry about at all, but I managed to lose weight over the last few years. I'm so excited to finally look my best for the wedding!"

Lily smiled at the stranger and said, "You will look lovely."

Lily looked Michelle up and down and rememered what Alicia had told her when they first met. Size six was the goal to be happy. Michelle had lost weight healthily, but she was definitely bigger than a size six, and she looked great and extremely happy in herself.

"Thank you," Michelle whispered, picking up a white dress and handing it to Lily. "This was one that I tried on earlier. It didn't suit me, but I think it will look lovely on you. I hope the wedding goes well."

Michelle then walked away to the till, with her chosen dress in hand, leaving Lily in a stunned silence.

"She was nice," Connie remarked and Lily gave a faint nod, whilst she held the dress carefully. "Well, what do you want to do?"

"I'll try it on," Lily whispered, and looked back to Michelle. She then looked back to Connie and asked, "Can you come with me?"

"That's why I'm here, isn't it?" Connie said. "Come on, that is a really beautiful dress. I'm so jealous."

Lily laughed and Connie wrapped an arm round her, as they made their way towards the fitting rooms. Lily's anxiety began to grow bigger, as she and Connie reached the first empty cubicle.

"Do you want me to help or wait out here?" Connie offered, allowing Lily to make that decision.

"You can wait there," Lily whispered. "I'll um...I'll call if I need help."

"Make sure you do," Connie said and took a seat on the sofa outside, whilst Lily entered the cubicle and pulled the curtain across.

Connie sighed and waited patiently, as Lily changed into the wedding dress. She was thankful for that woman, making Lily feel slightly better and more comfortable in her own body. She didn't even know Lily's situation, so it just showed that it was genuine and not out of sympathy. She hoped that Lily was okay getting into the dress, as she knew that she had very little strength and energy, and getting dressed by herself had been a huge struggle.

"Do you need help?" Connie asked, after two minutes had passed.

"Um...Would you mind?" Lily asked from behind the curtain. "Sorry."

"Of course not," Connie said, standing up and pulling the curtain across so that she could walk in. "Don't apologise."

Lily was stood against the side of the cubicle with the dress held up against her. She wore a vest over her underwear that was long enough to be a nightie, so it hid most of her body from Connie.

"Wedding dresses are often big and bulky," Connie said to try and make Lily feel better. "And a complete nightmare, but they are lovely to wear. If I hold it for you and you just step into it for me."

Lily nodded and did as she was told, her arms wrapped around her stomach the entire time.

"Do you want me to help with the zip?" Connie offered, when she was into it and Lily gave another nervous nod. "Turn around, gorgeous."

"Don't call me that," she mumbled, but turned and allowed Connie to zip her up.

"Sorry," Connie sighed and zipped her up at the back. "There we go. That dress looks absolutely lovely, but you may need a smaller size. It looks as if it's drowning you."

"Really?" It wasn't surprising to Connie that Lily seemed completely shocked by that statement.

"Really," Connie sighed. "Do you like it? There's no point getting another size if you don't, but I think it looks lovely. It's got lace, it's fairly long, it's a gorgeous shade of white, and it isn't too in your face either, which I think is good for you."

She knew that Lily wouldn't want to be the centre of attention, and that she would want a nice, simple, wedding dress.

"It hides my arms as well," Lily mentioned, gesturing to the long sleeves of the dress.

"Your arms are fine," Connie laughed. "Shall we see if they have it in a smaller size then? We can have a look at a few others as well, see if there's anything else that you fancy."

Lily didn't seem too pleased though.

"I like this one," Lily said. "I kind of just wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. I hate shopping."

After all, her last shopping trip had been with Alicia and that had ended badly.

"We're having a girly day here, Lily," Connie said. "Come on, I know you're nervous but this is your wedding and it'd be nice to get a dress that you really like." Lily just faintly nodded and tucked some loose strands of hair behind her ears. "No one's judging you," Connie whispered and gave her arm a gentle squeeze. "I promise. I'll go and get another size and I'll see what else I can find, alright?"

Lily managed another nod and Connie went to leave the changing rooms. Lily was left alone with her thoughts, in a wedding dress that didn't even fit her properly.

 _"I'm judging you."_

It was Alicia's voice, and Lily had to squeeze her eyes shut to try and get rid of her. She wasn't real, and she just had to keep telling herself that.

She wasn't real.

She wasn't real.

She wasn't real.

* * *

"That dress really is beautiful," Connie said, as the two of them sat at a window table in Costa. "You made a good choice."

She'd ended up going for her first choice, well the one that Michelle had chosen for her. Lily seemed to really like it, and Connie had to agree that it did look beautiful on her.

Lily sipped at her bottle of water and screwed the lid back onto it. She eyed up the pot of fresh fruit that she'd stupidly asked for, when Connie had bought herself a muffin and asked if she wanted anything to eat as well. Why couldn't she have just said no?

"Is there anywhere else that you want to go?" She asked. "Do you need any new shoes?"

"I have shoes," Lily whispered and shrugged her shoulders.

She pushed her water bottle away and folded her arms across the table. She allowed her hair to dangle freely in front of her face, as she eyed up the other customers in the coffee shop. Every single one of them was watching her, shouting at her to eat the damn fruit. Slowly, one by one, they all started to turn into food, and she couldn't handle it.

"I can't," she whispered and pushed the pot of fruit away from her.

"Can't you eat it?" Connie asked.

Lily shook her head and looked down at the table to try and hide her tears.

"N...Not in front of people," she stammered.

"Is it people you don't know or just anyone?" Connie asked.

"Mostly people I don't know," Lily whispered. "I just can't do it."

"Okay," Connie sighed. "Well, I think you have been doing really well and I could see by the look on your face that you wanted to eat it, didn't you?" Lily didn't answer but she managed a small nod. "So, how about we head back to my car and you can eat it there? You know me and I'm not going to say anything that will make you uncomfortable."

"I'm trying," Lily said. "I'm trying to be normal. Gem came and visited yesterday, and I thought that it would be really nice to cook a meal, and it made me feel normal, but I just couldn't eat it."

"Firstly, you are normal," Connie said. "There are a lot of people in the world who suffer from Anorexia, so don't ever think that it's just you. Secondly, you've just admitted that you want to try and eat but you can't eat in front of people you don't know, so what stopped you yesterday? You know Iain and you know Gem."

"But I don't know Gem that well," Lily whispered. "She's been inside for months."

"Okay." Connie nodded and had a sip of her coffee. "For some reason though, I think there's something else."

Lily fiddled with the sleeves, something that she had a habit of doing when she was anxious, and chewed hard on her lip until she could taste blood.

"Iain and I are going to be getting married," Lily said. "What if I eat in front of him and he thinks I'm disgusting?"

"Lily," Connie sighed. "We need to figure out a way to try and get rid of these fears, because that's all that they are, fears. Iain isn't going to think of you like that. He loves you, or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him. When are you next seeing your counsellor?"

"Monday," Lily replied.

"Well, that's only two days away and that's good," Connie said. "I think you need to talk to her about all of this, because the last thing we need is you ending up in hospital again. Iain loves you so much, and I think he'd hate to think that you're absolutely terrified of eating in front of him."

"Okay," Lily whispered.

"We'll take the fruit away and you can eat it in the car," Connie said. "But one day I would love to bring you here for you to be able to eat in front of strangers without a care in the world. I'm letting you get away with it today because I know you're starving and you need to start eating again."

"I want to," Lily said. "I don't want to be in hospital again. I...I heard Alicia's voice earlier, when you went to get some more dresses."

"I know you don't," Connie said. "And you have been taking your medication, haven't you?" She asked and Lily nodded. "Good. Maybe you will still see Alicia sometimes, I think we did mention the fact that she tends to pop up when you're doubting yourself, and I know you were doubting yourself an awful lot whilst we were trying those dresses on."

There was a pause, as Connie tried to get Lily to look at her.

"One of these days though, you won't see Alicia at all," Connie said. "You'll get there. I am going to tell you something now and I want you to listen very carefully, even if you don't believe a single word of it."

"What's that?" Lily asked, frowning at her in confusion.

"You are going to be the most beautiful bride in the world," Connie told her.

 **So there is the Connie and Lily chapter. It was quite long but I hope you liked it. I really enjoyed writing it. Let me know what you think x**


	35. Chapter 35

**ChloeNaomiTokyo: Me too, I often write scenes with those two because I just love it so much. Thanks so much, I did quite enjoy writing the shopping scene.**

 **Bluebell140: Me too. Let's hope so.**

Chapter Thirty-Five

"Does it scare you?"

Gem was sat in the back of the car, her head in a magazine that she'd bought at the last minute. Iain sat in the front, his hands clasping the steering wheel. He eyed Gem up in his rearview mirror and sighed, before running a hand through his hair. He looked towards the small house that they were parked outside. Lily was inside and he hoped that she was okay.

"What?" He then asked his sister.

"Lily," Gem said. "The fact that she doesn't eat, that she doesn't like who she is, and that she needs counselling. Doesn't it scare you?"

"A bit," Iain said. "She's going to be my wife, isn't she? I love her and I care about her, and I don't want to see her end up in hospital again. She's getting there, slowly though."

"Oh yeah?" Gem scoffed. "When was the last time that she ate?"

"For your information, Mrs Beauchamp told me that she ate something on their shopping trip," Iain said. "You can't expect her to go onto eating big, full-blown meals straight away. It's going to take time and yes, I'm scared and it upsets me, but I just have to be there as much as I possibly can."

"What did she eat?" Gem asked.

"A pot of fruit," Iain said. "Why?"

"So, she's obviously sticking to the healthy stuff then," Gem sighed. "It's Christmas soon," she stated the complete obvious.

"I know." Iain subtly rolled his eyes and rubbed at the back of his neck. "Which is why she's getting in as many counselling sessions as possible. Christmas is a tough time for people with Anorexia."

He looked back towards the building and noticed that Lily was just exiting. She didn't appear to be smiling though.

"Shut up now," he whispered, as Lily opened the door and climbed into the passenger seat. "How did it go?" Iain asked her.

"I don't want to talk about it," Lily whispered, as she strapped herself in. "Can we just go home?"

Iain loved the way that Lily referred to his place as 'home.' They hadn't officially moved in together but Lily had been staying with him, mainly because everyone was so scared of leaving her by herself.

"If you want, we can talk when we get home," Iain sighed, turning on the engine.

"I don't want to, Iain," Lily whined. "It was a counselling appointment, she made me feel as if there was something wrong with me, and I just couldn't wait to get out of there."

"Counsellors aren't supposed to make you feel like that," Iain said, as he drove away.

"You don't think I know that?" Lily snapped and held a hand to her forehead.

"I'm sure loads of people have bad sessions," Iain said, indicating to turn right. "Next week should be better."

"I doubt it," Lily muttered under her breath, resting her head against the glass before slowly closing her eyes.

* * *

As soon as they returned home, Lily announced that she needed to use the bathroom and went and shut the door behind her without another word. She slid down the door with tears rolling down her cheeks and hugged her knees to her chest.

She wished that she was normal. She wished that she was able to maintain a normal relationship, but she wasn't able to, because she was unable to eat and she needed counselling. Iain deserved someone way better.

 _"What are you moping about?"_

Lily wiped her nose on her sleeve and looked up to see Alicia sitting on the closed toilet seat.

"Go away," she spat. "I thought I was finally rid of you."

 _"Don't you understand, Lily? You'll never be rid of me, especially during times of sulking."_

"I'm not sulking," she sobbed. "Just leave me alone, Alicia. Please. My day's bad enough without you sticking your nose in."

 _"Have you seen the state of you? You're an absolute mess! Thought you would have been a bit more sane after coming out of hospital, but clearly not."_

"You're the reason I ended up in hospital!" Lily yelled, and she prayed that Iain and Gem couldn't hear her.

She stood up and dragged herself over to the sink, so that she could look at herself in the mirror. She looked disgusting and huge bags sat under her eyes. She could still feel Alicia watching her from the toilet seat, as her fingers curled around one of Iain's razors.

 _"Just do it. You might as well."_

Lily went to say something but as she turned her body, she saw that Alicia had disappeared. Lily began to cry harder as she lifted the razor to her wrist. The dark thoughts had returned to her brain and she couldn't get them out, no matter how hard she tried. She held the blade to her wrist, clenched her teeth together, and dragged. The razor dropped to the floor and she had to try to stop herself from screaming out in pain. She could see blood through the gaps in her fingers, and even though she was a doctor, the sight still made her feel sick.

There was a knock on the door.

"Lily?" Gem called. "Is everything okay? Iain's worried."

"I...I'm fine," Lily sobbed, leaning back against the sink whilst cradling her wrist. "Just leave me alone."

"You've been in here for an awful long time," Gem said. "Can I come in?"

"No," Lily whimpered, but the door clicked open anyway. "I said no."

"Iain's worried about you," Gem said. "He just asked if I could come and check on you. What's wrong?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders and whispered, "Nothing."

"Don't give me that," Gem said and nodded at Lily's wrist. "What's happened?"

Lily gulped and tears continued to flow down her cheeks at full speed. She shakily removed her hand and revealed the bloody cut on her wrist, causing Gem's eyes to widen with alarm. She raced over and grabbed a cloth that was hanging over the bath, soaking it under some water so that she could press it against the wound.

"What did you do?" She accused, immediately assuming that Lily had done it herself.

"I'm sorry," Lily apologised. "I just...I had to."

"Why?" Gem asked, removing some of the cloth so that she could see if the bleeding had stopped. "That looks really bad, Lils," she hissed. "I'm going to have to get Iain, alright?"

"Please don't," Lily cried, shaking her head at her. "He'll be angry. Gem, you can't tell him."

"I need to," Gem said. "He loves you, Lily. He isn't going to be angry. Just keep that on there for me, and I'll go and get him. It'll be fine, I promise."

She gave her a brief hug and stroked her hair, before exiting the bathroom. Lily heard her calling Iain's name, as she kept the wet cloth on her wrist. It stung like mad, and it was still bleeding as well. She soon heard the sound of footsteps, and Iain stormed straight in.

"I'm sorry," Lily cried.

"Don't," Iain whispered and perched on the edge of the bath, bringing Lily in for a hug. "We'll have none of that. Let me have a look."

Lily looked to Gem who'd now returned and removed the cloth from her wrist.

"We'll get it cleaned up in no time," Iain sighed. "And then we're going to snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie. How does that sound?"

Lily nodded against him and she managed a small smile, but it all seemed too good to be true. Why wasn't Iain shouting at her? Why wasn't he telling her what a screw up she was? Why wasn't he telling her to leave and that he never wanted to see her again? She didn't understand.

"I told you that you had nothing to worry about," Gem said, as Iain cleaned up Lily's wound. "My brother can be amazing when he wants to be."

"I remember having to keep a lot of Gem's secrets when she was younger," Iain chuckled. "There were so many things that she didn't want mum to know about, but I kept every single one of them, didn't I?"

Gem nodded.

"However," Iain sighed. "I may have to tell Mrs Beauchamp about this."

"Why?" Lily asked, but her voice was so dry and quiet that it was a struggle to hear her. "I..." She coughed. "I didn't mean to, I just hated myself and I felt upset and I just wanted to get rid of the pain."

"You don't have to explain yourself," Iain whispered and cupped her face in his hands. "But Mrs Beauchamp will ask me how you've been doing, and I can't lie to her. She'll be okay. We can just keep it between the four of us then, no one else needs to know."

"Okay," Lily choked out, as new tears began to fall. "I really am sorry though."

"I know," Iain said, planting a loving kiss on her forehead. "I'm glad Gem came to tell me. I don't like the thought of you hurting yourself Lily, and if you ever feel like it again, you need to tell me."

"It was just the one time," she sobbed. "I promise."

"It's just in case," Iain said and kissed her again. "I love you. I'll get this cut cleaned and wrapped up, and then we'll put a film on. What do you fancy?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders, and looked back towards Gem. In a way, she felt lucky to have them both there. She could recognise the look on Gem's face though, and she looked absolutely terrified of what she'd just walked in on. Lily felt awful and imagined what would have happened if Gem hadn't come to find her.

Who would have found her, dying in a pool of her own blood? Iain or Gem? Neither one of them would have been able to cope and Lily hated to think that she was causing harm or upset to the people who she loved the most.

"Could we watch a Superhero film?" Lily asked Iain. "Batman, maybe?"

"Really?" Iain frowned in confusion, as he mopped away the blood. "I have no problem with that, but it's not really your sort of thing."

"I know," Lily replied and forced a smile. "But I've put you through so much and you've done more than enough to help me. I would like to return the favour."

"You don't have to," Iain said. "You're going through a tough time at the moment and I love you."

Hearing that made Lily's heart melt, and she hoped that he meant it.

"I know I don't have to," Lily said. "But I would really like to."

 **Thank you so much for 100 reviews, guys! They really mean a lot to me and I'm incredibly happy to have your love and support. Thank you so much!**

 **So I hope you enjoyed the chapter anyway. I'm not quite sure when this story will be ending, as I want to focus on the aftermath of the section and the full recovery afterwards, so I guess I'll just see where it takes me. I'm trying my best not to make the story too repetitive and I really hope that it isn't, but what I'm writing just seems realistic to in my opinion.**

 **I hope you all had a super lovely Christmas x**


	36. Chapter 36

**Bluebell140: Thank you so much. Iain will always be there to tell her how much he loves her.**

 **Giatrix: Thank you! I was actually pretty pleased with that chapter for a change. The wedding chapters will probably be right near the end, we'll see, I'm not sure on how it'll end yet. That's something I'm stuck on, but I'll come up with something.**

 **casualtyfics111: Me too, Gem is family after all. I know what you mean with Gem. My Christmas was lovely, thank you, and I'm glad you've been enjoying this story. More chapters to come.**

Chapter Thirty-Six

It had just gone half past ten when Iain checked on Lily. She was still asleep though.

He'd been up since eight o'clock, and he'd been waiting until she was awake before he decided to leave the house. He urgently needed to talk to Connie and he didn't really want to wake her. She looked so peaceful, wrapped up in the duvet and a couple of blankets, so he thought that he'd ask Gem.

"What if she hurts herself again?" Gem asked anxiously, as she sat at the table with a bowl of cornflakes.

"I don't think she will," Iain sighed, as he rummaged around for his car keys. "All you need to do is text me when she wakes up. Until then, let her sleep."

"Sure." Gem nodded. "What are you going to tell Connie?"

"I'll figure that out in the car. Got them!" He said, when he'd finally found his car keys. "I will see you later, my little iced Gem. Remember to text me when Lily wakes up."

Iain honestly wasn't sure what he was going to say to Connie. He obviously needed to explain the fact that Lily had cut herself, but he wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to word it. He'd stayed strong and put on a brave face for Lily's sake last night, but inside it had killed him to see her like that. As soon as Lily had gone to bed, he'd broke down crying in the living room.

There was hardly any traffic on the road so Iain arrived at the ED in no time at all. It was the way he liked it; the radio on, the heater on at full blast, a nice and comfortable journey without getting caught in any queues.

The first person he clocked was Zoe and he assumed, more than anyone, that she'd know where Connie was.

"She's just finishing up with a patient but she won't be long," Zoe said. "Is everything okay?"

"I just need to talk to her about Lily," Iain sighed. "She's not doing too good."

"Oh dear," Zoe sympathised. "I'll go and find Connie for you."

Iain thanked her gratefully and hovered by the reception desk, as Zoe headed off in search of Connie. He exhaled deeply and glanced across at Noel, who appeared to be having a very difficult conversation with someone on the phone. Iain knew that Lily missed the ED, she missed working, and he hoped that in good time she would eventually be back.

"Iain!" Connie called and Iain snapped out of his trance to see Connie strolling towards him. "Let's go to my office. Cup of tea?"

"Please," Iain whispered. "That would be lovely."

"Milk? Sugar?" She asked.

"Milk, no sugar," Iain replied.

"Go and wait for me, and I'll be there in a second," Connie said and gave him a comforting pat on the back, before crossing reception to go to the staffroom.

Iain stepped through the door of Connie's office and sat himself down on the sofa. He still wasn't sure how he was going to word things to Connie, and soon enough Connie walked in with two cups of tea.

"Cup of tea with milk and no sugar," she said, placing one mug in front of Iain whilst setting the other one down at the other end of the table. "I also have a packet of biscuits in my drawer," she said, walking over and taking out a packet of custard creams. "What seems to be the problem then?" She asked, holding the pack out to him.

"Lily just...She's not coping very well," Iain said, as he bit into a custard cream. "She had counselling yesterday."

"How did that go?" Connie sat down beside him and took a sip of her hot drink.

"I don't know." Iain shrugged his shoulders. "She didn't talk about it. She um...She cut herself though."

"What?" Connie's eyes widened and she set her mug down on the table. "What do you mean, Iain? Talk to me."

"When we got home," Iain sighed, and small tears began to form in his eyes. He suddenly couldn't hold it in for much longer, but Connie was there to offer a comforting arm. "She said that she needed to go to the bathroom, so I let her. She hadn't eaten so I knew that she wasn't going to throw up and I couldn't possibly watch her whilst she...Anyway, the point is she went on her own. I was in the kitchen and I just casually mentioned to Gem that she'd been in there a while and that I was worried. Gem didn't seem to think anything of it."

"Okay." Connie nodded at him to show that she was listening.

"Because of how much weight she's lost, Lily hasn't had an awful lot of energy and you know that," Iain said, and Connie gave another nod. "I just thought that maybe she needed some help and because Gem is a female, I asked if she could go and see. I thought another female would make Lily more comfortable. Anyway, Gem went and she came back and told me that Lily had cut herself with one of my razors."

"Have another biscuit," Connie offered and gestured to the packet on the coffee table. "Listen to me. Lily's vulnerable and she has a lot of problems at the moment. We all still love her though, don't we?"

"Of course," Iain said. "Lily's the love of my life. I just...I hate seeing her like that."

"Maybe you should have a chat with this counsellor as well," Connie suggested. "She's really good and I have had a few discussions with Zoe and Charlie about getting you some support. Lily isn't the only one who needs it."

"I guess," Iain whispered. "I knew she still struggled with eating and self esteem, but I never expected her to carve into her own skin."

"Can I ask you a personal question, Iain?" Connie nodded. "Lily's issues, are they um...Affecting your relationship? I'm just curious because you don't need to rush into getting married, not if neither of you are ready."

"I proposed to Lily for a reason," Iain said. "And she said that she wants to marry me. However, I...I can't remember the last time we had sex. Lily's too self-conscious, thinks I'll judge her or hate her, but I wouldn't. I love her."

"I know," Connie said. "And this is what I meant by rushing into things. I know that you love each other and I know that you want to get married, but Lily's body image issues could affect the relationship. She is going to find it hard to be affectionate and loving towards you, because of the way she sees herself. She probably does want to have sex with you and kiss you, but it's just a struggle for her. Things will get easier though and I'm not telling you to call off the wedding. The two of you love each other and Lily has already bought a beautiful dress, but maybe don't rush into finding the nearest possible date. Give yourself and Lily time to work through your problems first. Do you understand?"

"Yeah," Iain sighed deeply and fixated his eyes on a dirty spot on the carpet. "I think so."

* * *

The bedroom door creaked open and Gem silently popped her head round. Lily was still in bed, buried under the bulky duvet, but she was beginning to sir. She yawned and stretched, revealing her bandaged wrist to Gem. The reminder of last night brought tears to Gem's eyes, and she had to stop herself from running out of the room.

"Hey," Lily yawned, snuggling further down under the duvet. "What time is it?"

"Almost noon," Gem told her. "Iain wanted me to let him know when you were awake. Can I get you anything?"

Lily weakly got herself into an upright position and shakily took the glass of water from the bedside table. She had a couple of sips and set it back down on the table.

"Could you get my laptop, please?" She asked.

Gem nodded and picked up Lily's laptop from the floor. She sat down on the end of the bed and passed it across to her.

"Where's Iain?" Lily asked, as she opened the lid and logged on.

"He had to go and talk to Mrs Beauchamp," Gem informed her. "I wouldn't worry about it."

"I'm not worried," Lily mumbled. "I just wondered."

"I better text him anyway," Gem sighed and pulled her mobile out of her pocket. "Did you sleep well?"

"Not really," Lily said. "And I kind of want to just spend all day in bed."

"Iain will want you to have a shower and get dressed," Gem said. "Spending all day in bed won't help."

Lily shrugged her shoulders, as she logged onto her Facebook account. She had tonnes of notifications, all of people posting get well wishes on her wall. There was even a private message from her mum, telling her that she'd tried ringing and texting and wanted to come and see her. Lily didn't want to see her mum though, not when she was letting down the family.

"Can I get you anything to eat?" Gem asked, realising that she needed to try and help her.

"No, I'm not hungry," Lily said, her eyes fixated on her laptop screen.

"Lily," Gem warned her.

"I'll have something later," Lily snapped.

"Fine," Gem sighed. "But scrolling through Facebook isn't going to make you feel any better either. It'll only upset you."

"My mum just wants to see me," Lily whispered.

"Does she know what's happened?" Gem questioned her.

"I haven't spoken to her," Lily said and closed the laptop lid. "But I think Iain might have done. I didn't want any of my family to know, they'd only look down on me and turn on me."

"They're your family. They wouldn't do that," Gem said.

"You don't know my family." Lily rolled her eyes, placed her laptop to one side and hugged her knees to her chest. "None of them have ever had mental health problems."

"I'm sure they just care about you," Gem said. "You should talk to your mum. My mum might have been a bad parent and had alcohol issues and stuff, but I still love her and I'd give anything to talk to her. No matter how old you are, there is nothing like a heart to heart with your mum."

"I guess you're right," Lily whispered.

"I am right," Gem said. "I'll get you some painkillers for your wrist, alright?"

Lily nodded thankfully, as Gem left the bedroom. Lily let out a loud and heavy sigh and picked up the antidepressants from the table that Connie had prescribed for her. She emptied a couple onto her hand and popped them into her mouth, tears springing her eyes as she did so. She hated the fact that she had to take tablets to make her smile, but she had no choice really.

As she waited for Gem to return with the painkillers, she lay back down and pulled the duvet over her head.


	37. Chapter 37

**Bluebell140: Me too. They all need someone.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thanks so much, that really means a lot as I don't often think I'm that good. I don't want it to end either so I'm trying my best to make it as long as possible. Enjoy your holiday.**

Chapter Thirty-Seven

"Okay, are you ready?" Gem asked, and Lily nodded her head. "Okay. Go!"

"Right," Lily sighed and pointed to each of the foods on her plate in turn. "548 for the bacon, 155 for the beans, 313 for the toast, 196 for the egg, and 46 for the apple juice."

Lily smiled proudly and waited patiently, as Gem scrolled through her phone.

"Correct," Gem said. "All of them. God, it's like you have Calorie Aspergers."

"It's a gift," Lily said, stabbing at a rasher of bacon with her fork.

"Gem!" Iain scolded, as he set a plate of food down in front of his sister. "Please, for heavens sake, do not encourage her. She's finally started to get better with her eating, and I would rather not have her counting the calories in every meal that I make."

"I can hear you," Lily mumbled, and had a sip of her drink.

"Eat what you can, alright?" Iain sighed and sat down with his own breakfast. "You're due a weigh-in with Connie today."

"What's one of those?" Gem asked, shovelling bacon into her mouth like no tomorrow.

"Basically, Mrs Beauchamp is going to weigh me to see if I'm gaining any weight," Lily said, spooning some baked beans into her mouth.

"And if you have, you should be able to come back to work soon," Iain said. "So don't talk about it as if it's a bad thing, Lily. I know you want to work again and if you keep up the progress, then you'll be able to."

* * *

"I have Lily coming in soon for her regular check-up," Connie informed Zoe, as she passed out jobs to each of the staff. "I shouldn't be long with her, but will you be able to be in charge for the time being?"

"You can trust me," Zoe said. "How's Lily doing?"

Connie looked up to see that Robyn and Louise were hovering nearby. She sighed and turned to face Zoe, her voice turning to a soft whisper so that the nurses couldn't hear.

"I won't know for definite until I weigh her," she said. "However, Iain has said that she has her good days and her bad days. On her good days, she tries to eat as much as she can."

"And her bad days?" Zoe asked.

"There's no getting through to her." Connie turned back round and slammed a pile of notes down in front of her. "Right! Do neither of you have any work to be doing?"

"I was actually wondering if I could have a quick word with you," Robyn said.

"I'm busy, Staff Nurse Miller," Connie said. "Is it urgent?"

"Of course," Louise sighed. "You should know by now Robyn, that Lily takes priority over everyone else."

"Louise," Robyn hissed.

"Actually yes," Connie replied. "As soon as you end up in hospital and we're close to losing you, then you will take priority. Lily almost died and we need to keep an eye on her and make sure that she is fit for working again. Understand?"

"Yes," Louise replied, and she felt herself blush a bright shade of red. "Sorry."

"Robyn, maybe Doctor Hanna can have a word with you, alright?" Connie said kindly and gave the red-head a gentle smile. She turned to Zoe and said, "I'll be in my office. Let me know when Iain and Lily arrive."

"Sure," Zoe agreed, as Connie walked away. "Robyn, why don't you come with me to the staffroom?"

Robyn faintly nodded and shot Louise a subtle death stare, before making the decision to follow Zoe. She felt sick and she wasn't quite sure what she was going to say, but she felt as if she needed to talk to someone. In a way, Zoe was a better option than Connie. Connie had shown her more caring side recently, but that was mainly when it came to Lily. She was still quite strict with everyone else.

"What's going on?" Zoe asked, as the two of them sat down on the sofa.

Robyn shrugged her shoulders and shifted uncomfortably, before speaking.

"It's about Lily," she whispered.

Zoe exhaled deeply and asked, "What about her exactly?"

"Is...Is she okay?" Robyn asked. "I mean, she...Isn't seeing things anymore, right?"

"I don't think so," Zoe said. "When Lily was sectioned, it was a scary time for everyone. You and Lily had become quite good friends as well before all of that, so it makes sense for you to be upset. There isn't anything severely wrong with Lily, apart from the fact that she isn't eating, but Alicia was just someone to make Lily feel better about herself. She was low, she was lonely, she didn't think much of herself, and Alicia was there because of that. Do you understand?"

"Yeah," Robyn sighed. "I think so."

"She was tested for Schizophrenia, Bipolar, all sorts," Zoe said. "And they couldn't find anything. Lily's on antidepressants and we're doing everything that we can to make sure that she keeps eating."

"That's the thing," Robyn said. "Lily's beautiful and there's nothing on her. If she really thinks that she needs to lose weight, then what does that make me exactly?"

"What do you mean?" Zoe frowned at her.

"I'm a lot bigger than Lily," Robyn whispered, looking down at herself. "Than anyone really. If Lily feels the need to lose weight, then surely I need to as well."

"That isn't true at all, Robyn," Zoe said. "You're beautiful and so is Lily. Lily doesn't need to lose weight, it's just the way that she sees herself and the way her mind works. I don't want you thinking badly about yourself, alright?"

"Alright," Robyn said.

"I'm glad you talked to me," Zoe said. "And I know that Lily seems to be a priority right now, but we're here for everyone else as well."

"Thank you," Robyn said.

"Also," Zoe sighed and she began to laugh. "Lily isn't a monster. You can still talk to her, you know? Suggest that the two of you hang out outside of work, go shopping together or...Try and help her plan the wedding or something. She won't bite. She's been through some stuff but she's still that same person, and she could do with a friend right now, more than anything."

"I know," Robyn said, managing a smile. "Thanks Zoe."

* * *

"What are you like?" Connie laughed, as she took Lily into an empty cubicle. "Why are you so nervous about Iain seeing you in a wedding dress, eh? You're beautiful and he clearly thinks that you're beautiful, or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him."

"I don't know," Lily whined and shrugged her shoulders. "It's just...The thoughts are still there, you know?"

"You are way too hard on yourself," Connie said. "And you look fab today. New jacket?"

"Not exactly," Lily said.

She blushed and tucked some strands of hair behind her ears. She knew that Connie was just trying to make her feel better, but it did make her smile. Lily had gone back to wearing her glasses again, she'd taken the time to carefully straighten her hair and she wore a white blouse with jeans, a leather jacket, and a pair of black, ankle boots.

"Did Iain say that you looked nice this morning?" Connie asked, and Lily had to nod. "Well, there you go then. Do you want to take your shoes off and step on the scales for me?"

Lily took a nervous breath and slipped her boots off. She looked to Connie and took a shaky step onto the scales provided.

"I was nervous for my wedding as well," Connie said. "All those years ago. All that preparation and all those nerves, and it ended in divorce in the end. That isn't going to happen with you and Iain though."

"Do you think so?" Lily asked, refusing to look at the reading.

"You and Iain are made for each other," Connie said, as she took Lily's weight. "Of course you're going to stay together. I remember, how, one of my bridesmaids ended up getting extremely bad food poisoning."

"What did you do?" Lily asked.

"There wasn't a lot we could do, but I thought that was the end of my wedding," Connie said. "Step off for me."

Lily nodded and stepped off.

"Of course it wasn't," Connie said. "I still had another bridesmaid and the wedding still went ahead, but I was adamant that everything else would go wrong as well. It was all fine though, and the wedding was a success. I sent photos to my friend, the one who came down with food poisoning, and she apologised that she couldn't be there but was extremely happy for me."

"I'm glad it went well in the end," Lily said.

"And I'm sure you and Iain will have the wedding of your dreams as well," Connie said. "Now, I am very proud of you because you seem to be making some good progress here. You've gained weight since I last saw you."

Lily hung her head and folded her arms across her stomach.

"That isn't a bad thing, Lily," Connie said. "Because you need to gain weight, don't you? You're finally getting healthy again, so I think we could possibly look at you coming back to work. That's what you want, right?"

"Of course it is," Lily said.

"You're bound to feel nervous and I get that," Connie said. "But you have our full love and support."

Lily nodded and managed a small smile through her tears. She had mixed emotions of fear and happiness.

"I did want to have a chat with you about something quite serious," Connie whispered. "But I do feel as if it needs bringing up, especially with the wedding."

"What?" Lily asked, panic immediately hitting her.

"Because of the lack of nutrition in your body and because of the changes in your body, there may be some..." Connie paused, as she tried to think of the best wording. "Some fertility issues. Obviously, that isn't always the case, but I feel as if you need to be aware. You and Iain are in love, you're getting married, and no doubt you'll be considering children at some point."

"I may not be able to have kids?" Lily whispered.

"May," Connie emphasised the word. "It could still be possible. I don't want it to worry you as you have been doing really well, and unfortunately it can just be one of those things. Maybe have a word with Iain though, talk to him about it first, but try not to worry and think about it too much until that chance comes along."

"But...If I can't have kids, then I would have brought that on myself?" Lily asked. "I would have caused that?"

"No, it would not be your fault," Connie comforted her. "You can't help this illness, Lily. I don't want you to blame yourself, for any of this. Let's try and focus on the positives for now, hmm?"

"Which are?" Lily asked.

"Which are?" Connie repeated. "You tell me."

Lily bit her lip and shrugged her shoulders. She scanned the room and looked to the door, before looking back to Connie. Connie just gave her a nod, refusing point blank to give her the answer.

"I'm slowly getting better," Lily said. "And I might be able to come back to work soon."

"Exactly," Connie said, feeling proud. "Well done."

 **So this isn't the end of the story yet. I still have a few more chapters to go, as I want to show what it's like for Lily to be back at work after having so much time off. I hope you enjoyed the chapter x**


	38. Chapter 38

**ChloeNaomiTokyo: That's so lovely of you, thank you. I would love to be** **published one day. I've already got those chapters planned and let's just say, they won't be that easy for her. I have sent you a PM but I don't know if you can reply whilst on holiday.**

 **MrsWhovian: You noticed! It was my favourite line from the film and I meant to credit it in the last chapter but forgot. It's such a good film.**

 **littlej23: That's okay, I hope everything is alright with you. Thank you. I did think about ending it, but I'm glad I've taken this approach instead. I was worried because I thought some people might think that it's dragging a bit, so I'm glad you're enjoying it. Thanks for such a lovely review.**

 **Bluebell140: It is. More to come.**

 **Well done to MrsWhovian for noticing this but the first scene of the last chapter was taken from a Netflix film called "To The Bone." It's a brilliant film and focuses on the life of someone with an eating disorder. Definitely worth the watch. I do not own anything to do with this film or Casualty unfortunately. If I did, I'd be extremely happy!**

 **Anyway, onto the next chapter.**

Chapter Thirty-Eight

A cold wind blew, causing all the leaves in the trees to shiver. Although it was only late afternoon, darkness was already falling upon Holby and it caused the atmosphere to grow miserable and depressing. The old swing-set in the park creaked, as the wind blew the swings back and forth, and a dog barked loudly in the distance.

Lily dragged her tired feet up the grassy bank, so that she was over looking the swings and the slide. She shivered as the icy wind took float, and wrapped her arms around the hooded coat that she'd thankfully slipped on at the last minute. It was freezing.

"Alicia!" She shouted.

Of course, there was no answer. Why would there be? Lily knew full well by now that Alicia wasn't real and she never will be real. She was a figment of her imagination.

"Alicia!" She called again.

She collapsed on top of the grassy bank in floods of tears and hugged her knees to her chest. She rested her chin on top of her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs, allowing her tears to fall. There was no one around. She was on her own.

"Alicia," she sobbed out, as she felt that Alicia was the only one she could talk to. "Please come back."

A hand rested on her shoulder, and she felt Iain's heavy body drop onto the grass beside her. He wrapped an arm around her and gave her arm a very gentle and comforting rub.

"Alicia isn't here," he whispered. "Why would she be?"

"I just want to see her," Lily cried. "I need to talk to her."

"Can't you talk to me?" He asked. "What happened, Chuckles? Did the weigh-in not go well?"

Lily couldn't even speak at that point. All she could do was shake her head.

"Well, what happened?" He asked. "Does Mrs Beauchamp not think that you're ready to go back to work? You've been eating Lily, so I don't understand. You haven't been making yourself throw up again, have you?"

"No," she sobbed. "It's not that. She's pleased with my progress, she said I can return to work."

"So, what's the problem?" He asked and gently stroked her hair in an effort to try and calm her down. "You can talk to me, Lils. No secrets, remember? We're going to be married."

Lily gasped for air and lifted her head, slowly turning to make eye contact with Iain.

"You'll hate me," she whispered.

"I love you," he whispered back. "You've put me through a lot of shit Lily, but I would never ever hate you. Come on, what's going on?"

"Mrs Beauchamp warned me of some potential long-term issues," Lily cried, reaching out to take Iain's hands in hers. "She said, because...Because of what I've been doing to my body, there's a chance that I might not be able to have children."

There was a long moment of silence as Iain tried to process what Lily had told him. As a child, he always told himself that he was never going to have kids, mainly because he'd witnessed what his mum had put him and Gem through. As he grew older though, his mind changed and he realised that he wanted to be a dad. He'd see kids in the park, he'd seen their dads teaching them how to ride a bike, and he realised that he wanted that. When he started dating Lily, he realised that she was the one he wanted to have kids with.

Hearing this news felt as if his heart had just been ripped out of his chest. He didn't even notice that he'd started to cry, until Lily reached out and wiped away one of his tears with the tip of her thumb.

"I'm sorry," she apologised to him. "It's my fault."

Iain lifted his chin and saw the way her hair flew in the breeze, the way she looked at him through the lenses in her glasses. She looked beautiful and it made him remember why he'd fallen for her in the first place. The two of them had been through so much together. Loss, break-ups, Alicia, a section, hospital appointments. He thought back to the day where they almost lost her, the day where he had to stand there in tears and watch as Connie tried to revive her. She was alive and they were still together, after all this time, so surely that meant something. Surely, that meant that the two of them were supposed to stay together for eternity.

"It's not your fault," Iain whispered. "None of this is your fault. I love you, alright?"

"Even if I can't give you children?" Lily questioned him.

"Especially then," Iain said. "This is just as upsetting for you as it is for me. What kind of fiancé would I be if I left you because you couldn't give me a baby, eh? We love each other and if we've managed to overcome so many obstacles already, surely we can overcome this as well."

"I want to be a mum," Lily said and hung her head.

"Hey. Look at me," Iain said gently and placed a finger under her chin so that he could slowly lift her face. "You still can be. There's ways round it, Lily. There's adoption and surrogacy and sure, the baby wouldn't be our own but that wouldn't matter. It's not about whose body the child comes from, it's about the people who choose to bring it up as their own. We'll manage, I promise you."

Lily smiled a weary smile and said, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," Iain said and pressed his lips against hers. "Come with me."

"What?" Lily squealed, as he pulled her up from the grass. "Where are we going?"

"Come on," he said and dragged her down the bank towards the park. "Hop on," he said, as they stopped at the swings.

"You're crazy," Lily said, but clambered weakly onto one of the swings.

"Am I?" He laughed, as he began to push her.

For the first time in ages, Lily actually felt happy. As she sat there, swinging, with Iain pushing from behind, she felt like a child again. As the swing got higher and nearer to the miserable, grey sky, she realised that she and Iain were stronger than she ever imagined. They could honestly make it through anything.

Iain stopped pushing the swing and squatted onto it beside Lily. He held her shivering body close to him and pointed to a small star that had slowly formed in the sky.

"Do you see that?" He asked, and she nodded wearily against him. "Whenever I feel scared or alone, I look at that star and know that everything is going to be okay. I've called it Lily, after you."

"Really?" Lily asked.

"Really," he replied. "It's so you're always with me, wherever you are. I can just look at that star and feel safe again."

"I don't deserve you," Lily said. "I really don't."

"You do though," Iain said, and gave her arms a gentle squeeze. "You're freezing. I should get you inside, or Mrs Beauchamp will flip her lid."

"No." Lily shook her head. "I mean, I...I don't want to. Not yet anyway. Can't we just sit here for a little while longer?"

"You're still not well, Lily," Iain said. "You need to look after yourself."

"Just five more minutes?" She pleaded. "Please."

Iain hesitated for a bit, before nodding faintly.

"Okay," he agreed. "Five more minutes."

Lily snuggled up beside him and looked up towards the Lily star. Iain wrapped his arms around her to try and keep her as warm as possible, and the two of them just sat in a pure and happy silence.

"Do you ever think about the future?" Lily asked.

"Of course I do," Iain said and twirled a strand of Lily's hair around his finger. "Every day."

"What do you think about?" Lily asked.

"I think about the house we're going to live in," he said. "A lovely, decorative cottage in the middle of the countryside. We'd have a cat and live near a stables where our daughters can take horse riding lessons. There would be a lovely little path going down to the lake and the kids will be able to ride their bikes down to it and we'd be able to sit there in the summer and have a picnic. We'd have three kids; two girls and one boy."

"That all sounds perfect," Lily said, half asleep against his chest. "Do you think it'll come true one day?"

"Anything can come true," Iain said. "As long as you dream big. One of my favourite quotes is _a dream is a wish that your heart makes._ "

Lily nodded and smiled lovingly at him. She'd never felt so lucky.

"I like that," she said.

"Me too," Iain said.

 **I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'm actually quite pleased with it. I wanted quite a nice and happy chapter that only focused around Iain and Lily, and it was pretty hard to write. Let me know what you think.**

 **So I wrote this chapter to a mixture of songs from the new film, "The Greatest Showman." It was such a fantastic film and actually brought tears to my eyes. The songs are "A Million Dreams," "Never Enough" and "Tightrope."**


	39. Chapter 39

**Bluebell140: Thank you. It is an amazing film, I loved it so much.**

Chapter Thirty-Nine

"We have a very busy day ahead of us, so I need everybody to be at the top of their game today. There has been a major RTC with seven casualties, two of them being children, so if Doctor Hardy and Doctor Knight could man resus for me. Everyone else in cubicles, please. I would also like to take this opportunity in welcoming back Doctor Chao, and I hope we will all work together to make her feel comfortable. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me."

Lily shifted uncomfortably, as Connie gestured towards her. Iain wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and every single head turned to stare at her. It was her first day back at work and she wished, more than anything, that she was asleep in bed. She loved her job, she loved the ED, but she'd had so much time off and honestly, she felt terrified about returning.

"You okay?" Iain asked gently, and Lily gave him a small nod. "I'll come and find you on my break, alright? You'll be great."

"Thank you," Lily whispered, as Iain kissed her forehead and headed off to the ambulance station.

Lily felt completely alone and it was as if she was the new doctor all over again. She folded her arms across her chest and walked over to Ethan and Cal, who'd struck up a conversation about going to the pub after work, before making their way to resus.

"You're going to the pub?" Lily asked, forcing a friendly smile for her colleagues. "Great. Can I come?"

"Um..." Cal cleared his throat and glanced to his brother for help. "It's not really your sort of thing though. We thought you might not want to come for...You know...Supper?"

He didn't know how to not hurt her feelings, he didn't want her to feel left out, but he didn't want her to think they were being insensitive by inviting her whilst he knew they'd be eating.

"We just don't want to make you uncomfortable, Lily," Ethan said. "Besides, alcohol can be dangerous for someone who hasn't eaten in...A while."

"I'd have a soft drink," Lily said, trying not to cry in front of the guys. "And you guys can still eat, I wouldn't be stopping you."

"We're just thinking of you," Ethan said. "Come on Cal. Resus is calling."

Cal nodded and gave Lily a gentle slap on the shoulder, before following his brother. Lily looked down at her slim build and sniffed to hold back her tears. She didn't want her friends and colleagues to treat her differently, just because she'd been in hospital. Taking a deep breath, she snatched a set of notes from the desk and crossed reception to go to cubicles. Hopefully throwing herself back into work wouldn't be so bad, and would actually be a good distraction.

Robyn and Dylan were in there with an elderly man who'd been experiencing chest pains.

"It's good to have you back, Doctor Chao," Dylan greeted, whilst Robyn just gave her an uncomfortable smile. "Would you like me to...?"

"No, I've got it," Lily interrupted him and whipped out her stethoscope. "Do you have a name?" She asked the man.

"William," he told her. "William Pritchett."

"Any chest pain?" Lily asked.

William just frowned at her with a look of confusion.

"Um...Yes, Doctor Chao," Dylan said. "That's why he was admitted in the first place."

"Sorry," Lily apologised. "I mean, how long has this been going on for?"

"Do you want me to take over?" Dylan asked.

"No!" Lily snapped. "I've got this, thank you."

"About six weeks, maybe?" William said, completely ignoring the tension between the staff. "I honestly can't remember to be honest."

"Okay," Lily sighed and nodded at him, trying not to let Dylan or the brothers get to her. "I'll um...I'll have a listen to your chest. Are you asthmatic at all, or do you have any heart problems?"

"All of that information is in the notes, Doctor Chao," Dylan pointed out. "Come on, why don't you take a break and I'll finish off here?"

Lily had had enough. Dylan clearly didn't want her to treat the patient. She moved to one side and pushed Dylan to the front, before storming out of the cubicle. She knew that if she said anything, she'd just start crying, and she didn't want that. As she stormed out, she noticed that Robyn was watching her and she almost bumped straight into Louise, who was on her way to resus with a set of notes.

"Do you need help?" Lily offered and held her hand out for the notes.

"No, it's fine," Louise said and she looked almost uncomfortable with being in Lily's presence. "I'm going to ask Ethan."

"Right." Lily nodded and crossed her arms. "Of course. Are you going to the pub after work?"

Louise opened her mouth to speak. She looked over her shoulder, chewed on her lip and shifted from one foot to the other.

"I...I am," she said slowly and forced a small smile. "I didn't think you were invited though. Look, I...I really need to go, Lily. Take care, yeah?" She blurted out, before heading off to resus in a hurry.

Lily couldn't believe it. No one was talking to her. Everyone was treating her differently. Why had she even thought about coming back to work? Clearly, she wasn't wanted.

"Lily!"

Lily had to roll her eyes when she heard Zoe calling to her. What lecture was she going to get now?

"Have you been on your break yet?" She asked and placed a hand on Lily's shoulder.

Lily just fiddled with her glasses and shook her head.

"Could you go now, please?" Zoe asked.

"Do _you_ want me out the way as well?" She whispered, maybe a little bit too loudly, as Zoe seemed to hear her.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Zoe asked.

"Nothing," Lily mumbled. "I'll have a break. It's fine."

"Right." Zoe still seemed unsure and thought that it was best to take her to Connie, so that she could have a word with her. "Come with me, please. Come on."

Lily sighed and ran a hand through her hair, reluctantly deciding to follow Zoe along to Connie's office. She didn't have to ask Zoe where she was taking her, she kind of guessed. Connie had asked people to keep an eye on her, especially Zoe and Charlie.

"Connie," Zoe said, pushing Lily into the office. "Could you please tell Lily to take her break?"

"I said I would, didn't I?" Lily snapped, shrugging her shoulders dramatically.

"Sweetheart, we're just looking out for you," Connie said, whilst in the middle of writing. "I have a stack of paperwork that I need to do, Doctor Hanna is in charge out there, so if she thinks you need to take a break then please do as she says."

She lifted her head to look at Lily, and saw that she was just looking at the floor in silence. A single tear rolled down one side of her face and landed onto the carpet. Even Zoe seemed to notice, as she exhaled deeply and exchanged a nervous glance with Connie.

"Zoe. Could you give us a minute?" Connie asked.

"Sure," Zoe agreed and shut the door on her way out.

"Come here," Connie whispered and put her pen down.

Lily allowed her tears to fall and walked over to Connie, feeling surprised when the clinical lead pulled her in for a hug. Lily didn't even fight against her, and just collapsed into her arms in tears.

"Lily, what's wrong?" Connie asked. "I thought you wanted to come back to work. If you're not feeling well, then Zoe is right, you need to take a break. We just care, hmm? You've been extremely ill, you almost died, and we don't want to relive that."

"No one is talking to me," Lily sobbed out.

"What do you mean?" Connie asked and held an arm around Lily's waist.

"They've all made plans to go to the pub after work," she explained. "But they don't want me to join them, and...They won't let me work. They're treating me like a completely different person, Mrs Beauchamp."

"Well, that certainly isn't on," Connie said. "You're still the same old, Lily Chao. People don't understand Anorexia, not unless they've been through it themselves, and maybe they think that eating is your choice and that the pub would just make you uncomfortable."

"But I'll be fine," Lily said. "I told them that."

"Be honest with me," Connie sighed. "You're still not one hundred percent, and you refused to eat when we went for that coffee that time."

"But it would have been nice to have company," Lily said. "Even if I wasn't going to eat, it would have been nice to have a drink and...Be with people. I've been away from that for so long."

"I get what you're saying," Connie said. "Is Iain going to the pub later?"

"I don't know," Lily replied and shrugged her shoulders. "I haven't seen him yet. He said that he'd come and find me on his break. He'd probably want to go though and I don't want him to miss out just because of me."

"He loves you so I think he'd choose to be with you instead of going to the pub," Connie said. "Do you want to have your break in here?"

"Yes please," Lily whispered. "Would that be okay?"

"Of course," Connie said. "Pull up a chair. Things will get better for you, that's a promise."

As Lily grabbed the spare chair to sit beside Connie, there was a knock on the door. Connie was in one of her moods where she didn't exactly want any visitors, Lily was an exception, but she allowed them to walk in anyway. It was only Robyn.

"Staff Nurse Miller," she greeted, a fake smile on her face. "Is there a problem?"

"Um...Zoe said that Lily was in here," Robyn said, smiling across at the registrar. "I just wanted to check if you were okay, Lily. Dylan had no right to speak to you like that, and he should have just let you carry on."

Connie looked towards Lily and gave her arm an encouraging nudge. Lily forced a smile for Robyn and nodded at her.

"I'm fine. Thank you, Robyn," she said.

"Are you sure?" Robyn asked, and Lily nodded at her again. "Okay, well, are you working Saturday? I have the day off so wondered if you fancied a girly shopping trip, if you're not going to the pub tonight. It'll be fun."

"Really?" It was no surprise to Connie that Lily was quite shocked at Robyn's offer.

"Sure," Robyn said. "I know you've already sorted a dress out for the wedding, but we can still go and have some fun. I could do with some more clothes myself."

Lily wasn't sure. Her chest felt tight, but she also felt happy. Robyn actually wanted to hang out with her, unlike everyone else. Although terrified and anxious, she found herself nodding.

"I can pick you up," Robyn said. "Nine o'clock? I know it's early but it'll give us a whole day together."

"Sure," Lily agreed, her tears turning into a big smile. "Thank you."

 **So I hope you enjoyed** **seeing what Lily's first day back at work was like. Obviously, things weren't going to be easy for her, bless her. I hope it was realistic and you'll get to see Lily and Robyn's shopping trip soon x**


	40. Chapter 40

**littlej23: Robyn is lovely, and that's what I've always liked about her character. She's so nice to everyone. Enjoy their shopping trip and thank you for the review.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you. Iain is just lovely, bless him, such a sweetheart. It is a brilliant film so I'm glad you enjoyed it. That's great. I'm really pleased about that.**

 **Bluebell140: Exactly, but unfortunately people don't understand eating disorders. Robyn is just so lovely.**

 **This chapter is really important and could be quite hard to read, but I hope you still enjoy it.**

Chapter Forty

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Iain asked, knowing how hard shopping had been for Lily.

It was ten to nine on a Saturday morning and Robyn was due to be picking Lily up in ten minutes. Lily hadn't been sleeping that well lately so she'd been up ridiculously early and had spent over two hours looking for the perfect outfit. Eventually, she'd settled on a pair of jeans and a navy blue sweatshirt. It was cold and the middle of Winter, so she slipped on a bobble hat and a scarf as well.

"Yes," Lily replied, as she put her trainers on. "Robyn invited me because she wanted to, not because she felt bad for me. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"Believe me, I know," Iain whispered, as he sat down on the sofa with a bowl of cereal. "Hey. If you're going shopping without me, maybe you could buy my Christmas present."

"Maybe," Lily laughed. "Christmas isn't far off, so I do need to get myself organised."

"Try and have some lunch today, okay?" Iain asked. "I know it's hard but Robyn

The buzzer to Iain's flat went, making Lily jump and look at her watch.

"She's early," Lily said.

"That doesn't matter," Iain said, walking over to pick up the receiver. "You're ready, aren't you? I'll tell Robyn that you'll be right down."

Lily nodded and picked up her handbag. She suddenly felt really nervous and she wasn't even sure why. It was just shopping with Robyn and she knew Robyn, didn't she? Things would be fine.

"I love you," Iain said and planted a kiss on Lily's cheek. "Have fun, alright? Spoil yourself."

"Thank you," Lily said, hugging him tightly before hurrying towards the door.

* * *

"I'm really glad that you agreed to this," Robyn said, as the two women walked into New Look. "I love a good shopping trip and I really need some new jeans. I also need to buy Max a Christmas present, but I have no idea what to get him. What are you getting Iain?"

Lily just shrugged her shoulders as she ran her hand along a clothes rail. She caught sight of women browsing and trying on jackets and coats in front of mirrors, and they all looked beautiful. It made her look like she'd just been dragged off the streets.

"I know what you mean," Robyn sighed. "Men are so awkward to buy for. I might just buy Max a new watch or something. At least he won't be late for work anymore then."

Lily nodded, forcing a smile, as she picked up a pink dress. It was the sort of thing that Alicia would have worn.

"That's beautiful," Robyn complimented. "Do they have your size?"

Lily just shook her head and sighed, "Probably not," before putting it back on the rail.

"You should try some things on as well, you know?" Robyn said. "I'd like you to know that I'm not here to judge you so you don't need to be afraid around me, alright?"

"Thank you," Lily whispered. Hearing that from Robyn meant a lot, and she could tell that she really meant her words as well. "Why don't we look for some jeans anyway, huh?"

"I like the look of these," Robyn said, holding up a pair of jeans against her.

They were blue and they had little flowers on the waistband. Lily wasn't sure. She imagined that they'd look amazing on Robyn but she would never be able to pull them off.

"I don't know," she said. "They look too small."

"Really?" Robyn asked, as she examined them. "They're the correct size."

"Why don't we keep looking?" Lily sighed. "There's always Jane Norman."

"Are you kidding?" Robyn laughed. "No offence but I see that shop as more of a teenage shop. Besides, the sizes are always really small."

"Not really." Lily shrugged. "They're just normal sizes. And I really like that shop, the shirts are really pretty."

"Well, I suppose it's worth a look," Robyn said.

She wasn't sure what to think. In her opinion, Lily seemed to be acting weird and she wasn't sure if it was something worth mentioning to Iain and Connie. She knew that she wasn't completely well, maybe she never will be, but she seemed distracted. Also, Robyn knew for a fact that the flowery jeans would have fitted her because she'd tried them on not long ago and had decided not to buy them until she was paid.

Maybe she was just thinking too much about it.

"I might buy these anyway," Robyn said, gesturing to the flowery jeans in her hand.

"Are you sure?" Lily asked, grimacing at the jeans.

"Yes, Lily," Robyn said and began to walk towards the till. "I'm sure. I'll try them on at home and I can always return them if they don't fit."

"If you're sure," Lily sighed, and followed her over. "I just don't think they're very you. They're very pretty and slim and..."

She caught site of a black jacket that was hanging up, the kind that Alicia had once got her. It was beautiful. She had go tell herself no though. She'd never pull it off. Not in a million years.

"What are you saying?" Robyn asked, as she stopped just before the till. "I mean, I know I don't look like you Lily but are you saying that I'm not pretty?"

"No," Lily said, her arms folded protectively across her body. "That's not what I'm saying. You're pretty and I...I'm no supermodel material, but...People talk, Robyn. Believe me, I know. If you don't look good and if you don't fit in with the crowd, then people can say stuff about you behind your back. Is that really what you want?"

"Well..." Robyn gulped and she could feel tears in her eyes. She stared at the jeans and slowly shook her head. "No," she whispered. "But I really like these."

"It's your choice," Lily said. "I'm just looking out for you."

"Thanks, Lily," Robyn said. "That means a lot, but...Like I said, I can always return them. I'd rather buy them whilst I'm here."

Before Lily could say anything else, Robyn took her place in the queue for the till. Lily saw that she was gripping onto the jeans, as if she was trying to convince herself that they were the right choice. She knew what it was like to be stared at and judged, she could feel it happening to her right there in the middle of New Look. Every woman who passed her would stare and eye her up and down, shocked at the amount of weight that she'd put on probably. Robyn was sensitive and she'd been the only one to talk to Lily when she returned to work, so she wanted to look out for her.

"Done," Robyn said quietly, walking back over with her new purchase in a plastic bag. "Did you want to go to Jane Norman?"

"We can do," Lily said, already on her way towards the exit. "Could we go to Boots first? I need some more make-up."

"We can go wherever you want," Robyn said, but she wasn't sure if Lily was purposely trying to avoid the clothes shops. "We have the whole day to ourselves, remember?"

She looked at her watch. It had just gone eleven o'clock and places would be opening for lunch soon. She anxiously looked around at the choice of places; Nandos, Burger King, Starbucks, Pizza Hut, Greggs, or there were the usual supermarkets.

"We'll need to try and find somewhere to eat soon," Robyn said.

"Did you want to?" Lily asked, as if eating wasn't a necessity of every day life.

"Well, I'm going to have to eat something," Robyn said. "We don't have to go to a restaurant. If we're going to Boots, we can pick up a sandwich or a pot of fruit."

"It's still food though, isn't it Robyn?" Lily sighed, turning to face her. "Do you know how many calories are in one red apple?"

Before Robyn could think of an answer, Lily told her.

"Eighty," Lily said. "Eighty calories. It may not seem like a lot, but it is. And there are eighty nine calories in a banana. You can eat if you want to, you can choose to fill yourself full of calories but I'd rather not."

"Lily, you're supposed to be getting better," Robyn said. "Which means eating. Just have something, huh? Imagine how proud Iain would be if we told you that you'd eaten something."

"I am better," Lily said. "I'm just being sensible. We can lie to Iain."

Her voice went quieter at the last part, and Robyn couldn't believe what she was actually hearing.

"You two are getting married," Robyn said. "You shouldn't be lying to each other. I'm going to grab some food in Boots, okay? You can decide whether you want something or not."

Lily just shrugged her shoulders uncomfortably.

"Come on," Robyn said and wrapped an arm around her. "Have you and Iain decided on a date for the wedding yet?"

"We're thinking about June, but we're not sure yet," Lily said, as they walked towards Boots. "It's warmer then, isn't it? It seemed like a good month. I'll wait out here whilst you go into Boots, alright?"

"I thought you wanted some make-up," Robyn said, but Lily didn't even say anything. "Lily, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have suggested this trip if I'd realised how hard it would be on you. Come on, alright? I can grab some food in Tescos instead, honestly."

Lily opened her mouth as if to speak, but just stayed silent.

"Come on, you," Robyn said and held her hand out to her. "I absolutely love looking at make-up and I'm certainly not going to be doing it by myself. Come on."

Managing a small smile, Lily nodded and the two of them went into Boots and made their way towards the make-up aisle. Immediately, Lily crouched down to pick up a foundation.

"This would look lovely on you," she said, and held it up to show Robyn. "It matches your skin."

"Oh yeah, it does," Robyn said, taking the foundation from Lily's hand.

She didn't seem to be concentrating though. She had her mobile out and was in the middle of sending a subtle text to Iain. She really didn't want Lily to know, considering the text was about her.

 _Don't panic!_ _Shopping trip going well but do think we need to keep a close eye on Lily. She's been talking about calories and clothes sizes quite a bit. Will try and get her to eat something at least, don't_ _worry. Probably worth mentioning to Connie as well - Robyn x_

"I think I need some new lipstick as well," Lily said, as she picked up a bright red lipstick. "What do you think?"

"Yeah. I like it," Robyn said, forcing a smile as a reply came through.

 _Thanks for letting me know. I knew it wouldn't be easy and did check if she was okay to go today. Do try if you can but no worries if not. Thanks again and I'll mention it to Connie. Have fun - Iain._

Robyn sighed and put her phone back, before crouching beside Lily to look through the lipsticks.

"I might get the red one," Lily said, as she tested it on the back of her hand. "Are you getting anything?"

"I don't think so," Robyn said, standing up to look at the top shelf.

Lily stood up with her, staggering slightly as she suddenly became dizzy. Robyn placed a hand on her shoulder, concern filling her eyes, but Lily shook her off and assured her that she was okay.

"You sure? You just almost passed out," Robyn said.

"I'm fine," Lily said. "I just stood up too fast."

"Okay." Robyn nodded faintly. "Lily, if I ask something please promise me that you won't get mad." Lily continued to anxiously fiddle with the lipstick, but lifted her head to meet eyes with Robyn. "Could you try and have something to eat? Just something small and you can choose, but I just think that you need something in you."

Lily nudged her arm away and it was as if she'd reverted to a young child who was in the middle of a temper tantrum. She continued to test make-up on her hand, whilst refusing to talk to Robyn.

"I don't want to cause an argument," Robyn said. "Even if I buy a pot of fruit, just try and eat a slice of apple out of that."

Slowly turning to face her again, Lily saw that her eyes were filled with kindness and trust and she managed a small nod. Robyn smiled proudly, hoping that she would eat something.

When Robyn bought a pot of fruit from Tescos, Lily had a strawberry out of it.

She didn't even mention how many calories were in a strawberry.

"Are you feeling better?" Robyn asked. "Do you want anything else?"

Lily wasn't sure. Yes, she was hungry but she remembered what she had told Robyn earlier. So many calories. Then again, she wanted to get better. She just couldn't help herself though. Her mind said one thing whilst her heart said another.

"I might get myself a sandwich," she said.

Even if she couldn't eat it, at least she tried and she knew how proud Iain would be. She'd struggled to explain stuff to him lately, how she wanted to get better but just found it hard. He said that he understood but she wasn't convinced.

She needed to try, for his sake.

"Really?" Robyn was happy but she tried not to look too shocked. "I'll get it for you if you want. What kind?"

"Just a plain ham," Lily said. "Is that okay?"

"Course it is," Robyn said. "Do you want to go to anymore shops or are you ready to head home?"

Lily looked at her watch and saw that it had only just gone the afternoon. She didn't want to let Robyn down and she had been enjoying herself, despite the anxieties.

"Why don't we go back to New Look?" She suggested. "You can look at some more jeans if you want and there was a jacket in there that I really liked the look of."

 **I apologise that this chapter was so long. I got a bit carried away, lol. I hope you liked it** **though. Let me know what you think x**


	41. Chapter 41

**Bluebell140: She is, and poor Lily is trying her best to get better. I think she secretly did, and Iain will be talking to her about it in this chapter.**

 **ChloeNaomiTokyo: I do quite enjoy writing long chapters. Let's hope so. More to come.**

Chapter Forty-One

"Sorry I missed you last night," Iain said to Lily, who was sat at the kitchen table eating a bowl of Cheerios in silence. "I didn't finish work until late so by the time I got home, you were already in bed. Did you have a nice time with Robyn?"

"It was good," Lily said, setting her spoon down in the bowl. "I think I'm done."

Iain peered over her shoulder and saw that she had eaten the majority of it. He didn't want to force her and Robyn had sent him another text yesterday, informing him that she'd eaten some fruit and a sandwich at lunchtime.

"Well done," he praised. "So come on then, are you going to show me what you bought?"

"I didn't get much," Lily said, standing up to grab her shopping bag, whilst Iain threw away the remains of the cereal and put the bowl in the sink. "But I got some new make-up and a jacket that I quite liked as well."

She pulled the jacket out of the bag and held it up against her to show him.

"I like that," Iain complimented, stroking the arms before giving Lily's cheek a kiss. "It's beautiful, and will look lovely on you. I'm glad you treated yourself. Did you get my Christmas present?"

"Might have done," Lily teased.

She'd settled on some of Iain's favourite chocolate, a Batman mug, a new shirt, and a watch that she knew he'd got his eye on. She'd also been thinking about taking him somewhere special, as a way of thanking him for everything that he'd done for her.

"Go on," Iain said and gave her another kiss. "Get yourself ready for work. Well done for yesterday, I'm proud of you."

"It was just a shopping trip," Lily whispered and awkwardly shrugged her shoulders.

"I know, but you don't find them very easy, do you?" He said softly. "It's not a bad thing. You did well to go, and I know for a fact that Robyn was happy to have your company. Go and get ready for work, yeah? I know that working on a Sunday is just awful, but it needs to be done I'm afraid."

"I don't mind," she whispered. "I've missed work."

Lily gave Iain a small smile and held onto her new jacket, as she made her way into the bedroom.

* * *

"Lily. Am I able to have a quick word with you, darling?" Connie asked gently, walking over to Lily a work that day. "It won't take long, I promise. I just need to have a word with you about a few things, nothing to worry about."

Lily knew that that usually meant she had a reason to worry, but she allowed Cal to take over anyway and reluctantly followed Connie towards the office. She caught Iain watching her from a distance and guessed that he knew what Connie wanted to talk about. He had that look in his eye, the look that she recognised.

"Just take a seat for me," Connie said and gestured to the sofa. "Do you want a glass of water or anything?"

Lily shook her head and anxiously fiddled with the sleeves of the long shirt that she was wearing.

"So, I have been updated on your little shopping trip yesterday," Connie said. "Did you and Robyn have fun?"

"You don't have to treat me like a child, you know?" Lily whispered and shrugged her shoulders. "It was okay, I guess. What did you really want to talk to me about, Mrs Beauchamp?"

Connie sighed and perched in the chair opposite so that they could have a proper conversation. She folded her arms and tried to think of how to word it.

"Robyn and Iain are concerned," she mentioned. "You're supposed to be getting better and apparently all you spoke about yesterday was sizes and calories." Lily didn't say anything, but just hung her head in shame. "Lily. I know it's hard, but do not pour your thoughts onto other people, please. Robyn is a beautiful woman, who already has little confidence, and I'd rather her not end up going through the same thing."

"Are you saying that I'm not beautiful?" Lily asked, slowly lifting her head.

"That's not what I'm saying at all and you know that," Connie sighed. "You're twisting my words."

"I did eat though," Lily whined.

"I know," Connie replied quickly and managed a smile. "I know you did, and I'm really pleased about that. Well done. However, you can't deny the fact that you were listing the amount of calories that is in each food. I'm sorry if you think that we're spying on you but you've not been well, so I appreciate that your friends share their concerns with me."

"Robyn isn't a friend," Lily mumbled, hanging her head again.

Connie was quite shocked to hear that from Lily, and it made her realise that it wasn't going to be an easy conversation.

"Oh, is she not?" She asked. "So she didn't invite you to go shopping with her then? Was yesterday just all in our heads?"

"She only did that because she felt sorry for me," Lily scoffed and leaned back against the sofa with her arms crossed. "No one was speaking to me, were they? She's probably out there right now, talking about me behind my back."

"I think she would be really upset if she knew that you thought that about her," Connie said. "So I suggest that you stop now, please."

"I'm not even doing anything, Mrs Beauchamp," Lily said, fat tears beginning to roll down her cheeks. "I just want to get back to work. I've come back to work, not to be yelled at."

"Am I raising my voice?" Connie asked her, a small sigh escaping her lips. "I'm not. I was talking to Ben and he's just given me some work for you to do, just a few worksheets that might even be useful during your counselling sessions outside of the ED. We know that you haven't fully recovered yet and being back at work can be a struggle, so we want to offer every bit of our support."

When Lily didn't answer, Connie stood up and went to retrieve the sheets from her desk. She handed them to Lily to look at. They were mainly all to do with feelings and Lily didn't know what to think.

"They might not help but they at least help us get an idea of how to help you," Connie said. "How you feel when you look at food, how you feel when you eat it, how you feel in certain situations basically. You can give them a read and if you think that they'll be a waste of our time, then I won't force you to fill them in. Just think about it, alright?"

Lily faintly nodded at her.

"Go on," Connie sighed. "I'll let you go as I can tell you desperately want to get out of here. Don't go back to work straight away though, please. Take a break first."

"Sure," Lily sighed back, taking the worksheets with her as she left the office.

She didn't go for a break though. She went straight to cubicles, where Robyn and Zoe were working together to treat a patient. She opened her mouth before she could even think about what she was doing. All of a sudden, she didn't care about the patient.

"What do you think you're doing?" She spat at Robyn. "Reporting my behaviour to Mrs Beauchamp! What the hell did you do that for?"

"Excuse me?" Robyn asked, subtly looking to Zoe for help.

"Right. Get out," Zoe scolded and walked over to take hold of Lily by the arms. "Come on. Get out."

"She's been talking about me!" Lily shouted. "I've been doing fine, and she's been reporting everything that I do to Connie! I trusted her, but that's the last time I ever go shopping with her again."

"Lily, I didn't," Robyn defended. "I was just worried so mentioned a few things to Iain and Mrs Beauchamp. That was all."

"Lily, out you go," Zoe said, turning to push her out of the cubicle. "Come on, where are you supposed to be right now?"

"I'm supposed to be taking a break," Lily said through gritted teeth, and ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "She's been talking about me!"

"Then I think you need to go and take that break," Zoe said, feeling relieved when Charlie walked over to them. "Now. We are in the middle of treating a patient and you've just gone and caused a right scene. Get out of here, now please."

Lily shoved Zoe's arms away from her and stormed off, before she could say anything else that she would soon regret.

"What's going on?" Charlie asked, obviously concerned for the registrar.

"Don't even go there, Charlie," Zoe sighed and held a hand to her head. "I've got to finish off with this patient."

"Well, shouldn't one of us go after Lily?" Charlie suggested. "Don't you remember what happened the last time she stormed off like that? She was sectioned, Zoe. We're all trying to do everything in our power to not let that happen again and Connie will go mad if something happened to her and we didn't do whatever we could to stop it."

"I get what you're saying," Zoe said. "But right now, I think Lily just needs some space."

* * *

Iain was completely alarmed when Lily rushed into the ambulance bay in floods of tears. He panicked at first, thinking that something was seriously wrong, and had to admit that he was relieved when she announced told him what had happened with Connie and Robyn.

"Everybody hates me," she sobbed.

"No. No, they don't," Iain whispered and sat her down on the sofa in his office. "Come here, gorgeous. No one hates you, hmm? I don't hate you."

"That's different," Lily said. "And you were talking to Mrs Beauchamp as well!"

"Lily, come on, we are not spying on you," Iain sighed. "We're looking out for you and we need to keep her updated. Robyn is your friend though, and I am not taking sides here, but you had no right to jump down her throat like that. For one thing, she was with a patient."

"I...I can't help it," Lily choked back, more tears falling from her eyes. "It just happened."

Iain rubbed at her back gently and kissed her forehead. The door creaked open and he looked up to see Connie. She gave him a smile and sat down on the sofa beside Lily in silence.

"Look at me," she whispered, taking her arm to try and turn her round. "Lily, look at me."

"How did you know I was here?" She cried, keeping her arms wrapped around her stomach as she began to hyperventilate.

"Deep breaths," Iain coached, sensing that she was on the verge of a panic attack.

"I guessed you might come looking for Iain," Connie said. "What's going on? Doctor Hanna told me that you had a right go at Robyn. What brought that on?" Lily shrugged her shoulders. "You, missy, need to learn to control your temper."

"See?" Iain said and gave Lily's knee a gentle squeeze. "Mrs Beauchamp doesn't hate you."

"Nobody hates you," Connie put in. "Listen. You're still not eating an awful lot so you're hungry, you're exhausted, you're trying to get back into the routine of work again so it's understandable for you to lash out. Robyn was lovely to you though and now you've really upset her."

"I'm sorry," Lily cried.

"It isn't us you should be saying sorry to," Connie said. "Leave it for today. I want you to go home and get some rest. You can apologise to her tomorrow."

Lily nodded faintly and picked at her fingernails. "No one understands me," Lily whispered. "I'm trying to be normal, I'm trying to get better, but I feel as if no one understands what I'm going through."

"Of course they don't," Connie whispered. "Because they haven't been through it, have they? Come on, I don't want to exhaust you anymore so get yourself home. I'll allow Iain to take you. Can we try and make this a new start though? I hate fighting with you and I'm sure you don't like it either. It just causes tears."

"Sure," Lily hiccuped. "I um...I have a counselling appointment tomorrow."

"I know and that's good," Connie said, placing a hand on her back. "Come into work after your appointment, alright? Only if you feel up to it though." Lily nodded, secretly grateful. "Talk to her about how you're feeling, talk to her about this anger, because it can't be much fun for you. You want to be happy, right?" She nodded again, still in silence. "Go on, lovely. I'll see you tomorrow. Big smiles, huh?"

Connie stood up and Iain gave her a thankful smile.

"Thanks, Connie," he whispered, so that Lily wouldn't hear.

"Are you going to be okay?" She asked, but she didn't believe him when he nodded in response. "Why don't you have a chat with Lily's counsellor tomorrow? Try and get yourself an appointment if you can."

"Don't worry, I haven't forgot," Iain said, remembering the earlier conversation about seeking help. "I'll talk to her, I promise."

 **So, this story will be ending soon. I felt that it was important to include a chapter to show Lily's anger and paranoia though, so I hope that all came across. Thanks for your support and I'm sure you'll all enjoy the end of the story x**


	42. Chapter 42

**Bluebell140: Me too and let's hope so. It would be nice for the two of them to be friends again. Thank you.**

 **casualtyfics111: He is the best boyfriend! It is and it does show how much she cares. Connie has been great with Lily in this whole story. Unfortunately it will have to end or it'll start dragging and I really don't want that to happen. There will probably only be a few chapters left.**

Chapter Forty-Two

Iain was there to collect Lily when she came out of counselling.

He was never sure on how she would be after a session. Sometimes she was fine and feeling better after a chat, but sometimes she'd be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Lily's counsellor was lovely though and treated Lily more like a friend. Iain had spoken to her privately after he'd dropped Lily off for her session that morning, and she'd agreed to see him once a week for a check up and a chat on how he was doing. He wasn't sure what he thought and whether it would help or not, but it was worth a try.

Lily was appalled when she found out though.

"You're going to be having counselling with her as well?" She questioned him. "Because of me?"

"No, Lily," Iain sighed, as he started the engine of the car. "Not because of you. Don't start blaming yourself and making me feel guilty, alright? I've been struggling lately and Mrs Beauchamp just suggested it. It's not your fault. Are you okay to go to work?"

"I'll be fine," Lily whispered.

"You're doing really well at the moment," he told her, as they drove away. "Counselling, going out, working again, eating. You ate all of that cereal this morning."

"You don't have to keep praising me," Lily mumbled.

"I want to," Iain said. "You're my girlfriend and I'm proud of you. I'll never let you forget that either, alright? I um...I wanted to ask you something as well."

"Go on," Lily said, suddenly beginning to feel quite scared and anxious.

Was it bad?

"Christmas Day," Iain sighed. "Obviously there will be Gem and the two of us. What did you think about inviting our colleagues over for a Christmas Day meal? Connie is on her own this year, Cal and Ethan will only have each other, Robyn and Max aren't doing anything I don't think. I just thought that it would be nice but the day is going to be hard on you anyway, and I didn't want to do anything without your permission."

Lily didn't know what to say. It was difficult. She wanted to see her friends at Christmas and she hated the thought of them all being on their own at such a happy time of year, but she knew full well that she'd struggle with the food side of things and she didn't want to make everyone uncomfortable.

"Before you say anything, we'd help you," Iain said. "Christmas isn't all about the food. It's about spending time with each other."

"I know," Lily whispered. "I...I think that would be nice. I guess I'm just a bit nervous about this time of year."

"I know you are," Iain said. "But I'm there to look after you."

Lily didn't even answer him. As soon as they got to work and went their seperate ways, Lily went straight to the girl's bathroom. She pushed open the door to one of the cubicles and locked it behind her. Straight away, she threw up the cereal that she'd eaten that morning.

"Lily!"

"Go away!" Lily coughed and spluttered to the stranger who was stood outside.

She felt so weak. She couldn't even recognise the person's voice.

"Lily, it's me!" It was Gem, and she started hammering loudly for her to open up. "I just want to talk to you. Are you okay?"

Lily collapsed weakly in a mess on the floor and looked up at the door with blurred vision. She held a hand to her head, hoping that the dizziness would stop, but it wouldn't. She felt sick again. Leaning towards the toilet, she vomited a few more times and eventually managed to steady herself to unlock the door.

"Come here," Gem ordered, grabbing hold of her weak body as she fell against her. "What the hell are you playing at?"

"I'm dying," Lily sobbed into Gem's chest, the smell of sick filling the air.

"No. No, you're not," Gem sighed and removed the hair out of Lily's face. "I won't let that happen, eh?" She soothed, rubbing Lily's arms comfortingly. "Are you going to speak to me?" Lily just shook her head against her. "Come on, Lils. First stage of getting better is talking about it, which I thought you were at. We're friends, aren't we?"

"I just feel like I've ruined everything," Lily said, after hesitating for a bit. "Even if I do get better..."

"When, Lily," Gem corrected her. "Even when you do get better. Continue."

"I just feel as if things will never be the same again," Lily began to cry harder. "I've fought with Robyn, Mrs Beauchamp is constantly looking out for me, no one else is talking to me, and Iain is having counselling. I'm just so scared, Gem. Christmas is coming up as well and Iain wants to invite everyone over and I'd like that, but I don't know if I'll be able to cope."

"So throwing up isn't the answer," Gem said. "You've been doing well. We can talk about this later but right now, I'm concerned and think someone needs to examine you."

"No," Lily sobbed and shook her head weakly. She winced and yelled out in pain, draping an arm across her stomach.

"What?" Gem asked.

"I can't breathe," Lily sobbed hyserically. "And my stomach really hurts."

She looked awful. Her eyes were red and teary, her face was pale, the smell of vomit poured off of her, and she looked close to passing out. Everyone knew how weak Lily's body was, even if she had started to eat little amounts every now and then, and she'd already been close to death.

"Can you stand?" Gem asked, crouching in front of her. "I'm going to help you, alright? Don't worry."

When Lily didn't answer, Gem pulled her phone out and decided to ring Connie.

* * *

Lily woke up to see Connie sitting beside the bed. The clinical lead smiled gently at her and gave her tangled hair a comforting stroke. Lily just groaned and lifted her head slightly to scan the room, unable to remember what had happened.

"How are you feeling now?" Connie sighed, rubbing her arm with the tip of her thumb.

"Tired," Lily whispered.

Connie sighed and nodded, memories of Grace flooding her mind. Grace had been premature when she'd been born, she'd spent a while in hospital, she'd fallen down the stairs, and Connie had thought that she was close to losing her on more than one occassion. Lily had been like another daughter to her, she cared deeply about the registrar and she knew that she wouldn't be able to cope if she ever lost her.

"Sweetheart," Connie said sympathetically. "You're really not well, are you?"

"I...I didn't make myself throw up," Lily croaked. "I just felt sick."

"Even so," Connie sighed. "We could have lost you again. It's a good thing that Gem found you when she did."

She rolled up a bit of Lily's sleeve and gestured to a few cuts on Lily's wrist.

"I saw these when I was examining you," Connie said. "I thought that was just a one time thing, Lily."

Lily couldn't control it anymore. She burst into tears and Connie was sure that she could have flooded the cubicle. Instead of getting cross with her, she stood up and helped sit Lily up so that she could give her a hug.

"This is going to be a hard time of year for you," Connie said. "I know. Did you talk about the cutting in your counselling session?"

"A bit," Lily sobbed out, hiccuping as more tears filled her eyes. "I'm sorry. I...I didn't want to scare you all."

"You told Gem that you were dying," Connie stated. "Do you want to die?"

Lily slowly shook her head and sniffed, as Connie handed her a tissue.

"Good," Connie said. "Because you have so much to live for." She turned as the door creaked open and Iain entered the room. "Here's one thing for a start."

Iain smiled, wondering what he'd walked in on and gestured towards Lily.

"Is she okay?" He asked.

"She's fine," Connie said, placing a hand on Lily's shoulder and giving her a wink. "She's a tough cookie, isn't she?"

"Do we have to move into the hospital now?" Iain joked and walked over to give her a hug and a kiss. "You spend most of your life in this place. I'm glad you're okay though. Gem was worried."

"Is...Is she okay?" Lily asked. "I didn't want her to see me like that."

"She'll be fine, don't worry," he whispered and kissed her cheek. "Do you need to stay overnight?"

Lily looked to Connie who said, "I'd probably feel more at ease if she did, just to make sure that she is alright. I'm sure she is, but I'd just like to double check."

"I'll stay with her," Iain offered, and gave Lily's back a rub. "Although I may need to pop back home and grab a couple of bits."

"Iain," Lily whispered. "When you do, can...Can you send Robyn in please? I really need to talk to her."

* * *

By the end of the day, news about Lily had spread and everyone was feeling guilty. They'd hardly spoken to her, too scared of saying the wrong thing, and now she'd almost died again. Connie and Iain had said that she was fine and would only need to stay the one night in hospital, but that there was still a very long way for her to go. They all knew how hard Christmas was going to be for her, and wondered if that was the cause of her downward spiral.

Robyn was pleased when Iain said that Lily wanted to see her.

"How are you feeling?" The nurse asked gently.

"Alright," Lily said. "Just more time in hospital, isn't it?"

"Hey, at least you can rest," Robyn laughed. "I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks! Besides, it's only the one night. You'll be able to go home tomorrow."

"I know." Lily nodded, and there was an awkward pause between them. "I'm really sorry by the way. You were so nice to me, you were the only one who was, and I treated you horribly. I didn't mean it."

"It's fine, Lily," Robyn said. "I understand that it isn't easy for you, but I do care. We're friends, alright?"

"Are we?" Lily whispered.

"Of course," Robyn said. "I forgive you and I'm always here for you. I just hope that you get better."

"Don't worry," Lily sighed and leaned back against the pillows. "I'm working on it."

 **Probably only about three or four chapters left, guys!**

 **I know the majority of you might be getting bored and thinking that the story is repeating itself quite a lot, but I prefer to take the slow approach and try and make it as realistic as possible. The truth is that Anorexia doesn't just go away so it would be unrealistic for Lily to suddenly get better. She's still going to be struggling with food and self esteem and I know people who have almost died more than once from the illness.**

 ** **I hope the chapter was okay and I'm sorry if you are bored.****

 ** **Like I said, the story will be ending soon and it will definitely have a happy ending. I already have that planned.****


	43. Chapter 43

**ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you so much. I'm glad you think so, and there will definitely be some new stories.**

 **Bluebell140: Thank you. I do like Robyn and Lily's friendship.**

Chapter Forty-Three

Iain's flat was packed out on Christmas Day.

They'd had a nice morning, opening presents with just the two of them and Gem. Lily didn't wake up until gone eleven and Iain wanted to let her sleep, she hardly slept during the night due to insomnia so he wanted to make sure that she had a good lay in. Whilst Iain and Gem showered and changed into their Christmas jumpers, Lily stayed in her pyjamas and dressing gown. It was what she wanted; a relaxing day where she didn't need to worry, no fuss, and the chance to have a break from everything that had happened. Although her anxieties about the food were high, she appeared to be having a nice day.

Iain was just pleased that she was happy and smiling. They snuggled up on the sofa and he watched as she opened the presents that he'd bought her. He'd got her some of her favourite perfume, a charm bracelet from Pandora along with a couple of charms, and a few books that she wanted. Gem bought her a journal with inspiring quotes inside and a set of brightly coloured pens, along with a cute little teddy bear keyring. She'd been truly spoilt. Iain liked his presents as well, especially the gift voucher to the Harry Potter Studio Tour that Lily had bought for him at the last minute. He'd often said about going and suggested that the two of them go and make it a special date. Once they'd opened theirs, they sat and watched Gem open hers. Iain had bought her some DVD's, some CD's, a new jacket, some converse, and a necklace that was also from Pandora. Lily had bought her some bath stuff and a voucher to Superdry.

Once the presents were opened, Lily had lie down on the sofa whilst Gem helped Iain in the kitchen. At one o'clock, everyone else arrived. Lily remained on the sofa, watching TV, whilst everyone crowded around the table. Iain got a small plate of food for Lily and carried it through to the living room to her, along with a drink.

"You okay in here?" He asked and sat down for a minute.

Lily stared at the food on her plate and faintly nodded. She knew that she didn't have to feel uncomfortable around Iain, they were going to be married after all.

"You can come and join us when you want to, yeah?" Iain said and kissed her on the cheek. "Don't worry if you can't eat it all."

"Thank you," Lily whispered, stabbing at her slab of turkey with her fork. "Everyone's okay with me being in here, right?"

"Of course they are," Iain said. "Don't worry. Connie said that she'd come and see you after lunch, I think she has a little Christmas present for you."

"She didn't have to," Lily said. "Thank you for my presents by the way. They're lovely."

"You're welcome," Iain said. "All the best for my girl. Thank you for mine as well. We'll have to make a date for the studio tour, eh? Very excited about that. I need to go and eat though now, or else it'll go cold. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," Lily said. "Can I just ask you something quickly though, if you don't mind?"

"What's wrong?" Iain asked.

"Are you okay with our situation?" She asked. "I know I've not been the best girlfriend, and We...We haven't had sex in a long time. I'm working on my self-esteem though, and I would like to progress to that point."

"Lily," Iain sighed and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "I love you and I'm not going to do anything that you're not comfortable with, okay? Relationships aren't all about sex anyway. We'll take things at your pace, I promise you."

Lily nodded, feeling lucky that she'd ended up with such a perfect boyfriend.

"I'll come and see you in a bit," Iain said and winked at her, before going back into the kitchen.

Lily could hear everybody laughing and reading out the jokes from their crackers in a loud, happy voice. She wished that she was able to join them, but she knew how hard she would find it. There was so much food out there. She didn't want to make everyone feel uncomfortable.

She put on a random Christmas film that was being shown, Miracle on 34th Street, and slowly picked at the plate of food. Iain had been so generous, making sure that she only had a small plateful, and she appreciated that. She managed to eat most of it, only leaving some meat, a few peas and the yorkshire pudding. It was a step in the right direction and she felt quite pleased with herself.

Half asleep and near the end of the film, Connie made an appearance. She was wearing her usual black trousers with a glittery top to make her look as if she was in the festive mood and in her hands, she held a cracker and a present that was wrapped in reindeer paper.

"Hello, you," Connie greeted and wrapped an arm around her shoulder to give her a hug. "I was wondering when I was going to get to see your beautiful face. Have you had a good day?"

Lily nodded and eyed up her plate. She noticed Connie's eyes on it and how she'd purposely decided not to say anything about it, she didn't even praise her for eating some. Lily felt quite thankful.

"Bit overwhelming?" Connie asked with a small sigh.

"A bit," Lily whispered and shrugged her shoulders.

"Even I was getting a bit overwhelmed in there," Connie said. "There's a lot of people. What are you watching?"

"I've just finished watching Miracle on 34th Street," Lily told her. "I've never seen it before. It was pretty good."

"Grace likes that film," Connie said, holding out the cracker to her. "Pull this with me. You need to join in with the fun, eh?"

Lily managed to laugh, and took hold of the cracker and pulled as hard as she possibly could. As it burst open with a bang, she almost fell straight off of the sofa. She slipped the red party hat onto her head and picked up the joke and the toy that had fallen out.

"A spinning top," she said, holding it in the palm of her hand.

"Very useful," Connie said sarcastically. "What's the joke then?"

"They're always really bad," Lily said, as she began to read the joke to Connie. "What do you call an elf who sings?"

"I don't know," Connie replied.

"A wrapper," Lily said, and she had to laugh. "That's so bad. Do people actually get money for writing Christmas cracker jokes?"

"They're awful, aren't they?" Connie sighed. "Anyway, I have a little present for you here."

"You didn't have to," Lily said. "I didn't get you anything."

"That doesn't matter," Connie said. "I saw this, thought of you, and I wanted to get you a little something to show you how proud I am of you. I think you'll like it and I think it might help you as well."

She handed the present over and Lily carefully took it, running her fingers delicately over the beautiful paper. Connie watched her, as she slowly tore the paper off. It was a couple of Art Therapy books along with a set of pencil crayons.

"This is lovely, thank you," Lily said, and began to flick through one of them.

One of them was a medicine one, so she was able to colour in stethoscopes and various hospital scenes. The other one was full of animals, flowers, and other beautiful countryside scenes.

"Just something for you to do when you get a bit stressed," Connie said.

"Thank you," Lily said and gave her a hug. "Gem got me a journal as well so I can write down thoughts and feelings, which was quite sweet of her."

"That's lovely," Connie said. "So if you can't talk to anyone, you have a way of getting things off your chest."

"I'm going to try not to use it for that purpose too much though," Lily said. "I'm trying a new thing. I'm trying to talk to people face to face, whenever I feel low or stressed or anxious about something."

"I think that's very brave of you," Connie said. "Well, Iain was thinking of playing a few games later on. Will you be joining us?"

"Sure." Lily nodded anxiously. "I'd like that."

* * *

"Okay. Is it a film?" Iain asked.

He had his arms wrapped around Lily who was snuggled up on his lap. Gem, Connie, Robyn and Cal sat around them, Zoe and Max sat on the other sofa across the way and Ethan stood in front of them all as the centre of attention. They were currently playing Charades. Ethan nodded and held up two fingers to them.

"Two words," Cal said. "You can just tell that this is going to be some stupid, geeky film."

"Give him a chance, Cal!" Zoe laughed, shaking her head in disbelief. "Go on, Ethan."

Ethan nodded in silence and held a hand to his forehead as if he was looking for something. He carried on like that for a good five minutes, with everyone throwing various words at him.

"Seeking?" Zoe guessed.

"Hide and Seek?" Gem asked, frowning at him the entire time.

"Finding..." Connie said and Ethan gave her a thumbs up.

He then went onto the next word, opening and closing his mouth whilst pretending to swim. Everyone immediately burst into hysterics at his fish impression and Cal didn't miss the opportunity to make fun of his brother. It was just too easy for him.

"Finding Nemo!" Lily yelled out, surprising everyone.

"You got it!" Ethan said, pointing at her in excitement. "It is indeed Finding Nemo."

"Seriously?" Cal scoffed. "You chose a Disney film?"

"Hey, it was the first thing that came to my mind, okay?" Ethan chuckled. "Lily, do you want to have a go now?"

"I don't know." Lily looked hesitant and Iain could feel her tense up in his arms. "I can't think of anything."

"Hey, you don't have to," Iain said and kissed her head. "I can always take your go. I've got a good one up my sleeve. You can always have a turn later if you change your mind."

"Okay." Lily nodded and spoke in a quiet voice. "Do you mind if I go and take a nap?"

"Not at all," Iain said and gently stroked her hair. "I'll come and talk to you later, alright? I love you."

Lily nodded against his chest and allowed him to kiss her, before weakly climbing off of his lap and making her way to the bedroom. Iain smiled proudly and stood up to take his go, everyone suddenly watching him with concerned eyes.

"Is she okay?" Robyn questioned him.

"She's fine," Iain said. "She just gets tired easily after a busy day or after she's been around a lot of people. She'll be fine after a sleep. Let's continue with the game, shall we?"

 **I do like Christmas. Been planning this chapter for a while and I hope you enjoyed it. It was certainly one of my happier chapters. Not long left until the end of the story. I know you're all busy guys but please let me know what you think if you can. Your support means a lot and I'll be sad to see this story end. Thank you x**


	44. Chapter 44

**ChloeNaomiTokyo: Christmas is a great time of year! Thank you and me too, I'll post something new as soon as Mind Games is finished.**

 **Bluebell140: Me too and hopefully she is. Not long until the end!**

Chapter Forty-Four

"How do you feel?"

"Terrified."

Lily rubbed at her stomach to try and get rid of the nerves and exhaled deeply. She was sat in a chair, allowing Connie to gently curl her hair for her. Robyn was knelt in front, delicately applying some pale pink nail varnish to Lily's nails. Zoe sat nearby, preparing to help Lily with her make-up.

Lily just couldn't believe that her wedding day was finally here. They'd plumped for a day at the beginning of April because they both agreed that they wanted to get married soon, and luckily for them the weather was gorgeous.

"You'll be fine," Connie sighed and gave her shoulders a comforting rub. "This is going to be the best day of your life, Lily. Nerves are normal but once you're walking down that aisle, you'll be fine."

"Do you think so?" Lily asked. "I feel so sick."

"That's normal," Connie whispered. "And I'm going to be there to walk you down that aisle, okay?"

"Thank you so much," Lily said, and looked towards Robyn and Zoe. "I wouldn't be able to go through this if it wasn't for you guys."

"Iain loves you," Connie said, as she finished off curling her hair. "So, he will be feeling just as nervous. You look absolutely beautiful though, and I know that he's going to think the same. Your hair's all done now."

Lily turned to look in the mirror and blushed, whilst nodding. Her hair looked lovely, but part of her still thought that the curled style didn't suit her. Would she look okay? Would people laugh? Would Iain change his mind about marrying her?

"You look gorgeous," Connie said, as she could obviously sense that Lily was having second thoughts. "You have gone through so much, Lily. Hospital, Anorexia, counselling, and you've come out stronger than ever. You should be proud of you."

"Thank you," Lily whispered. "I'm just so nervous that Iain will leave me."

"He's not going to leave you, Lily," Robyn said. "He knows about everything that you've been through and he's still with you. That's true love right there and it just shows what a genuine and lovely guy Iain is."

"She's right," Connie said. "You've chosen a good one there, Lily."

Zoe stood up and walked over with the make-up bag. She gave Lily a comforting smile and crouched down in front of her, getting some bright red lipstick out of the bag to start off with.

"Well?" She asked. "Are you ready to do this?"

Lily gave a weak and anxious nod and whispered, "I think so."

Walking down that aisle was like a dream to Lily. She never once thought that she'd get the chance to get married, especially after she became ill. It didn't feel real. Connie was the one to walk her down the aisle, considering the fact that her mother had practically disowned her. Well, not exactly. She didn't understand why Lily was hurting her body, and Iain wasn't exactly her first choice for her daughter either.

Iain stood at the front, dressed smartly in a suit and tie. His hair had been combed and Lily could smell his aftershave from the other end of the church. Connie gave her hand a gentle squeeze and whispered encouraging words in her ear, as they walked. It made Lily feel slightly better.

"You look beautiful," Iain said when she reached the front, and gently took hold of her arms. "Are you warm enough?"

"Bit cold," Lily whispered shyly and hung her head. "I'll be okay."

"We'll get your jacket later," Iain said and winked at her.

"You um...You look good too," Lily said, remembering to compliment him as well.

"All the best for my girl," he chuckled and adjusted his tie.

"Shall we begin?" The vicar asked, allowing them to have their moment for a while. They both nodded. "Okay. We are gathered here today to witness the wedding of Lily Elizabeth Chao and Iain Lindsay Dean. Lily, would you repeat after me?"

Lily gulped anxiously and turned to look at the crowd of people that were watching her. She saw Alicia sitting right at the back, watching and smirking. What was she doing there? She gasped and jumped, feeling Iain's hand in hers.

"Are you okay?" He whispered.

"Fine," Lily replied.

The vicar cleared his throat and asked, "Should I continue?"

Giving him a reassuring smile, Lily just nodded.

They said their vows. They smiled lovingly at each other. They stood at the front and allowed their friends and family to applaud and cry floods of happy tears. When Iain was told to kiss the bride, he did. Feeling a mix of awkward, emotional, and happy, Lily kissed him back and wrapped her arms around his neck. She could still see Alicia watching her, but she tried to put her to the back of her mind. Instead, she focused on Robyn and Connie and Ethan who looked almost as happy as she did.

* * *

"Congratulations, Lily," Ethan said, giving his friend a hug.

Everyone seemed to really be enjoying the reception. People were dancing, drinking champagne, enjoying the buffet that had been prepared, and catching up with each other. Lily was still unsure around food but she managed to have a small plate as she sat with Connie, Robyn and Ethan. Feeling tired and overwhelmed by the attention, she needed some time to relax. Iain, however, was walking around, greeting everyone and thanking them for coming to the wedding.

"Thank you," Lily whispered to Ethan, as she finished eating.

She pushed her plate away, had a sip of her water, and lifted her head to see Alicia standing by the entrance to the hall. She gulped and kept her eyes on her, watching as Alicia suddenly fled.

"Excuse me?" Lily said and stood up from the table. "I um...I need to use the bathroom. Can you tell Iain where I am?"

"Of course," Connie said. "Are you okay?"

"I will be," Lily said.

She lifted her dress slightly so that she wouldn't trip over it, and slowly made her way in the direction that Alicia had ran in. She was sat outside on the steps, her hair blowing in the wind. Knowing full well that she wasn't real, Lily rubbed at her eyes, but there was no getting rid of her. She needed to talk to her. It seemed to be the only way.

"What are you doing here?" Lily asked her.

"You didn't invite me to your wedding," Alicia spat. "So I thought that I'd invite myself."

"You're not real, Alicia," Lily hissed. "I haven't seen you in months."

"No." Alicia shrugged her shoulders and stood up. "You look different. The blue has gone from your hair, you've changed your style again, and you've gained weight."

"Alicia, don't," Lily hissed and shook her head at her.

"I see that you're eating again," she said.

"The odd bit here and there," Lily said. "And don't even think about talking me out of it. It's taken me a while to get to this stage."

Neither of them spoke then.

"You ruined my life, Alicia," Lily said, close to tears. "I was miserable! I got sectioned, I almost died twice, I might not be able to have children or a normal marriage, I had everyone in the ED hate me, and I caused Iain to feel miserable as well."

"And what about now?" Alicia sighed and folded her arms across her chest. "How do you feel now?"

"Happy." Lily shrugged her shoulders and folded her own arms. "The happiest I've been in a while actually. I still have down days, I...I still don't think an awful lot of myself, but I'm getting there and I'm married to the man that I love. I'm sorry but I can't let you control my life anymore. It's time that I got rid of you for good."

"You can't do that," Alicia scoffed.

"Actually I can," Lily argued. "Because you're not even real, Alicia. You're in my head! I thought you were helping me, but all you did was hurt me. You made me lose everything that I had; my job, my friends, my happiness, but most importantly, myself. I wasn't Doctor Lily Chao anymore, I was a damaged, lost, broken version of myself and I hated what I'd become. You never let me escape from that though. I was stuck and it was only after I came out of hospital, that I saw all the love I had and realised how happy I was before you came along. You made me into a version that I didn't like."

She sniffed and allowed her tears to fall, as she looked through the window of the building. She saw that everyone was laughing, chatting, having a good time, and then she saw Iain who looked the happiest of all. She'd never seen him that happy before, and it almost made her heart burst. She'd caused that happiness, by getting better and by marrying him. She could never take that away.

She diverted her attention back to Alicia who hadn't spoken but was still there. In a weird sort of way, she knew that she would miss her, but she didn't really want to admit that to her face. Everyone was right when they'd said that she didn't need her.

"And now you need to go," Lily cried. "So I can be the Doctor Lily Chao that I love."

"Don't you need me anymore?" Alicia whispered, walking over to give Lily's hand a gentle squeeze.

Lily looked down at Alicia's hand and slowly shook her head, whilst squeezing her hand back absent-mindedly. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks, as Alicia just stepped away from her and made her way down the steps of the venue.

Lily sighed heavily and turned to watch her go, as Iain came out and wrapped his arms around her waist. She smiled, set her hands on his and rested her head against his chest. The sun was just starting to set and the two of them stood together and watched in awe.

"What's it like being Mrs Dean then?" He asked her.

"It's nice," Lily giggled.

"Good," he said and kissed her cheek. "Do you want to come back inside? It's time to cut the cake."

"Sure," Lily sighed.

Her eyes remained fixated on the gates as Alicia walked through them. She continued walking down the path, until she was completely out of sight.

She was gone and she was never coming back.

 **So there is one more chapter left of this story now! I am going to miss it loads but I've really enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope you enjoy the last one as well x**


	45. Chapter 45

**ChloeNaomiTokyo: Thank you. Glad it made you smile.**

 **Bluebell140: Me too. At least they can move on and enjoy their life now.**

 **citylightsonthewater: Aww, that's so lovely of you. Glad you like it.**

 **So this is the very last chapter of the story! I hope you've all enjoyed it and I hope that the last chapter is worth it. I'm really sad to be finishing it and I wish that I didn't have to, but unfortunately all stories have to finish eventually. I didn't want it to drag and I want to post some of my new stuff.**

Chapter Forty-Five

"Come on, princess. Eat your food for mummy."

Lily crouched in front of her three-year-old daughter and held a spoon of food to her mouth. Charlotte just whined and shook her head violently from side to side, refusing to swallow any of the food that Lily was offering her.

"Why won't she eat?" Lily whined and ran her spare hand through her hair in frustration.

"She will do," Iain said, strolling over and tickling Charlotte under her arms. "She's just being a grumpy guts today."

"Daddy!" Charlotte squealed, giggling loudly as Iain blew a raspberry on her cheek.

Lily nodded faintly and kept her eyes on Charlotte. She exhaled deeply and quietly set the spoon down onto the table, deciding to leave things for the moment. Charlotte clearly didn't want to eat, and it worried her.

"What's wrong?" Iain asked, noticing the troubled look on his wife's face.

"Nothing," she sighed and tried to force a smile, as she shook her head at him.

"Lily," he said sternly. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just worried," she whispered. "What if I've handed my illness over to Charlotte? Children are clever and she might notice times when I don't eat that much, and think that it's normal. I could slowly be turning my daughter anorexic."

"Don't think like that, Lils," Iain said and kissed her head. "Kids are always fussy with food. Charlotte isn't going to get ill."

"The world is a horrible place, Iain," Lily said. "There's so much pressure to fit in with young girls, even boys. What if...What if it does happen, maybe when she hits her teens or something? I've been that person and I don't want it to happen to my little girl."

"It won't," Iain reassured her. "But if it does, then we'll help her. Just like we helped you."

Iain leaned down to Lily's level and kissed her lovingly on the cheek, whilst taking her hand in his. Lily smiled and rested her head against him, her eyes still on Charlotte who had now started to slowly lick the spoon.

"Can you believe that she's even here?" Lily asked. "I remember the time when Connie said that I might not be able to have children. Now I have a daughter, and she's actually mine."

Lily remembered the day when she'd found out that she was pregnant. It had taken a while for her and Iain to have sex, mainly because Lily was scared and felt extremely self-conscious about her body. She knew that Iain loved her for who she was, but she was still scared. However, when she and Iain eventually reached that point, she was pleased and she knew that she could do it whenever she wanted.

She wasn't expecting to get pregnant, especially after Connie had broken the bad news to her. When she began to experience morning sickness and dizziness, she thought that it was just a bug, but she was so pleased when she found that she was pregnant.

She was even more pleased when she found out that she was having a daughter. She'd always wanted a little girl, someone who she could dress in pink and tutus. She and Iain thought about the name together. Charlotte Gemma Dean. It suited her perfectly.

Gem still popped round every now and then. She was living with her new boyfriend, a few streets away. Iain and Lily had met him a few times and he seemed really nice. He was called Darren, he was a chef and he seemed to really care about Gem. They were pleased that she had someone kind and caring to look after her.

"Life was good to us," Iain said. "Why don't you go and take a break, eh? I can finish feeding Charlotte."

"Are you sure?" Lily asked. "Because I don't need a break."

"Break!" Iain ordered, although he was smiling. "Come on, you know how tired you can get. I can finish off here so go and have a lie down."

Lily gave him a grateful nod and a kiss, before making her way towards the bedroom. Iain took her seat and stroked Charlotte's curly, black hair. She giggled and kicked her bare feet around, keeping the spoon to her mouth.

"You know how to keep us on our toes, don't you?" He chuckled.

"Daddy! Can we watch Marshall?" She asked.

Iain laughed, knowing full well that she meant Paw Patrol. Marshall just so happened to be her favourite character.

"We can," Iain said. "But you need to finish all of this food for me."

"I don't like it," Charlotte whined.

"You do like it," Iain said. "You've had it before, missy. I know that mummy will be very happy to know you've eaten it all up."

"Where's mummy?" Charlotte began to look around her, as if Lily had suddenly turned up out of the blue.

"Mummy is just having a nap," Iain said, removing the spoon from Charlotte's mouth so that he could wipe her face with a tissue. "Just like Charlotte has naps sometimes. Once mummy has woken up, I'm sure she'll play with you."

"I want story," Charlotte said.

"Well, I can read you a story," Iain offered.

"No." Charlotte shook her head and her face suddenly turned very serious. "Mummy does the voices better than you."

"Oh, you little madam," Iain teased and playfully stuck his tongue out at her. "I'm going to get you for that."

"Daddy, you're silly," Charlotte laughed.

"Come on, princess," Iain laughed back and kissed her forehead. "Let's get some yummy food in that tummy."

Once Charlotte was eventually fed, Iain settled her in the living room and the two of them sat and watched Paw Patrol together. Halfway through the second episode, Iain decided that Charlotte was happy enough by herself and went to check on Lily. She was sat at her desk, writing.

"Hey," he whispered, hovering in the doorway. "I thought you were asleep."

"No," she whispered back. "I couldn't, so I um...I'm writing in my journal. Where's Charlotte?"

"She's fine," Iain said. "She's watching Paw Patrol."

"Again?" Lily laughed. "That girl just loves her dogs, doesn't she?"

"Indeed," Iain said and gave her a nod.

"Did she eat?" Lily asked, as she continued to write.

"Yes, she did," Iain whispered. "You don't need to worry about her, Chuckles. Have you eaten today?"

Lily faintly nodded. "I had some toast," she said.

"Good," Iain said, and he seemed genuinely happy for her. "I'm going to go and look after our little girl, okay? I'll leave you to it. Have a sleep if you need to, and come out when you're ready."

Lily hesitated and looked down at what she'd written. She'd worked so hard for what she had, and Charlotte would grow up so fast.

"You know what," she said and closed her notebook. "I think I'm done. I want to come and watch TV with my daughter and my husband."

Iain smiled lovingly and Lily stood up to walk over to him. The two of them left the bedroom and shut the door, making their way into the living room. Upon seeing them happy together and smiling, Charlotte beamed and held her arms out. Lily lifted her daughter into her arms and sat down with her on her lap, Iain taking the seat next to her.

"Look!" Charlotte squealed and pointed at the TV. "Marshall!"

"Is he the brown dog?" Iain asked.

"No daddy!" Charlotte said and slapped his arm playfully. "Marshall is the fire doggy!"

"Yes daddy," Lily laughed. "The brown doggy is called Chase. Get it right."

"Sorry," he chuckled and kissed Lily's cheek. "Are you happy?" He asked.

"Of course I am," Lily replied. "I have everything that I ever wanted."

"I'm just checking," Iain said and gave her another kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too," Lily whispered, holding Charlotte on her lap whilst resting her head against his chest. "And our family."

* * *

 _Dear Diary,_

 _I don't really know what to say, but it hasn't been the best of mornings. Charlotte is three now so the terrible twos should have passed, but she's been acting up today. She wouldn't even eat her food, which worried me greatly, but Iain assured me that all kids were fussy._

 _I don't know, I guess I'm just nervous about Charlotte developing an eating disorder. Wouldn't all mothers feel that way?_

 _I'm proud of how far I've come though. I'm still having counselling and I'm still on medication to help the depression. On a more positive note though, I'm still alive, I'm married, and I have the most beautiful daughter in the world. I'm honestly the happiest I've ever been, but I wouldn't have done it on my own. I'm very lucky to have so much love and support around me._

 _I still think about Alicia, and how she almost ruined my life completely. Is it wrong to still miss her sometimes? I haven't seen her since the wedding and everyone says that it's a good thing, but part of me still thinks about what life would be like if she was still around. I still think about a lot to be honest; my section, my time spent in hospital and my illness altogether._

 _I need to try and forget about everything that happened in the past though, I need to try and forget about Alicia._

 _Right now, I just need to focus on my life with Iain and Charlotte._

 _I know that I'll never fully be recovered, but at least I'm a lot better than I was._

 _I'm Lily Chao and I have to go x_

 **So, an emotional but happy chapter. And I felt as if I had to write Lily's line from the show at the end of the chapter as well. I hope you all liked it. Let me know what you think and look out for more stories from me x**


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